I'm sorry for ur loss. I can understand that this has placed a dark shadow on the final days. Being betrayed is very painful. But to answer ur question yes I find it hypocrite. If you were not faithful urself than how can you be blaming her for doing the same? Maybe she new u were cheating (Cause that's what it was cheating is cheating weather it is sexual contacts or a long term communication. That u rationalise it doesn't mean she did). I don't know her reasons of course for the contact with this man. Both of u were very wrong in hurting the other not just her, you just as much, sorry for bringing that to you.
You would also have to rethink what the benefit is of confronting this man. Often people who have been cheated on blame the other person but it's their partner that cheated. What does it bring you to confront this man? How would this help you? Are you going to punch him like an immature teenage boy? Violence is never an option. Verbal abuse neither. If course ur hurt. You lost your wife and it's normal to be hurt and grieving. Counseling would really help you to see things in perspective and help you deal with the pain. Wish you the best.

It sounds like life came between you, and you both sought comfort elsewhere. I hope you can come to forgive her and yourself and feel some closure about the whole thing, especially given the circumstances. I don't know if confronting him will help in your grieving or not. Whatever he tells you, you won't be able to address with her. I wish you the best.

I wouldn't address the other guy. Nothing good will come of it. If your sex life dried up, then likely she felt neglected and unwanted, and she found that comfort from someone else. I would find a therapist who can help you come to terms with the fact that you both had some dissatisfaction in your marriage but that the previous 30 years were not meaningless. It sounds like you loved her and she loved you, and you need to cling to that and not let the human deficiencies in your marriage take away from anything beautiful and worthy that you two had. In her last days, she was reconciling her whole life, not just her life with you. Allow her to have that dignity without thinking it ruined your last days together.

Thanks for the candor and thoughtfulness from all of your thoughtful replies. Re the other guy, I can understand how it happened, and am aware of my own responsibility and shortcomings in our marriage that lead her to make that choice - I don't blame her - but without disclosing too much, the other man took advantage of a very emotionally vulnerable situation at the time. The part that bothers me the most is her continued long-distance contact with him. Our sex life dried up mostly because she went through menopause and lost her sex drive and it was too painful for her. She did not want to risk hormone replacement because of the dangers and did not want to see a doctor about other options. I am past wanting to confront or punch the guy. At this stage I would only hope to hear his side of what happened - in hopes that I could understand why she lied and acted out of character.

I am aware of the rationalization of my behavior vs hers. I don't mean to dehumanize sex-workers, but the experience is almost more like masturbation than anything else. I was not seeking a relationship or a connection beyond the physical need for sex - and even to see if I was still capable of it after years of nothing. Ther only other option would be to engage in another relationship or an affair, which to me is much worse.

There is a good reason why sex-workers have been active since the beginning of recorded time. People have different needs at different times. I feel more betrayed by my wife's continued contact with the guy than I do about whatever happened when they first got together. Particularly that she contacted him while experiencing what turned out to be a terminal illness.

I think this is more a personal feeling/opinion for you. I'm not familiar with the situation obviously but long term long distance contact without being physical in person or through Cyber sex sounds to me just like a good friend to talk to and tgats wgat she needed. If she had a secret affair in the past than yes it was not appropriate to stay in contact but I do not understand how a long term friendship is worse than sexual contacts with prostitutes at all. I can't even compare them. She must have found a listening ear with him which I can understand is painfull fir you to realize. But to rationalise the fact that you think it's ok to see sex workers while being in a relationship is not masturbating. That s a very nasty and disgusting form of cheating. Women do that job only because men pay for it not because they enjoy it.
That said we ckearly have a different believe of the meaning of cheating. Your comes from hurt talk to a counselor that will help you to give it a place. I think talking to this other man will not bring you the answers and could potentially leave you with more questions or resentment to your wife who can't defend herself anymore.
Your hurting and grieving. So understandable but don't let both your mistakes overshadow the good things the 2 of you shared. Wish you the best

You both cheated. One isn’t any better than the other. I am sorry you feel you deserved your “outlet” because she wouldn’t go to the doctor or work harder to please you in the bedroom.. do you see where I am going? Just because you blame her doesn’t mean it’s actually her fault!
You are now single.. go find someone now and drop the bad parts of your marriage and focus on the good!

I do understand your concern since it seemed to be an actual relationship, but you both broke your vows. You might not have been honest about that with her. Take the good memories, and make your next relationship(s) committed, loyal ones.

Look,
You,
Your wife,
Her boyfriend,
Your massage friends,
All acted in character, not “out of character”

There is no noble insight her boyfriend can give you, he hid what he did like a cock roach runs from light

No different from you or your wife

Yes, what I’ve just written is harsh , it is also accurate

Have character now, forgive your wife for her shortcomings, accept that you shaped her a bit by being unfaithful , forgive yourself and work on your character today forward

Hey, as always there is more to this than meets the eye. Whether you want to admit it or not, there was something wrong in your marriage if the sex dried up. Your wife made those choices for a reason and you allowed them for a reason. I suspect she lost interest in sex after menopause and didn't prioritize your need for intimacy. For whatever reason, you allowed that to happen.

You could have carefully explained that kind of intimacy was an important part of being married and you as a human being have a right to be sexually fulfilled. Then you could have decided to break up, stay married and explore non-penetrative sex, or she could have given you permission to practice safe sex outside the marriage. All those were viable options, but you both just limped along apparently without addressing the elephant in the room.

I expect that constantly not having your sexual need met was frustrating and I find it hard to believe that you continued to be a model husband during those years of no sex. Your wife probably turned to another man for the emotional support she was not getting from you. You turned to a paid sex worker to have your sexual needs addressed. I'm not judgmental at all about things like that, so I don't see either as particularly morally wrong. You really don't either, because again, you allowed it to happen and kept her right there at your side.

I see the real problem as you honestly loved your wife and you wanted those last few months or weeks to last forever. You thawed out and wanted to recapture that emotional bond that was probably fierce when you first got together. Unfortunately, her online friendship with the ex got in the way, making you feel cheated out of that last bit of time with the woman you loved. I truly think that must be painful.

Remember, she loved you and preferred you to all the other men. The proof is she stayed with you until the end. You were the person she slept with every night, the person she shared meals with and the person she spent time with every day, not him. He was just someone she talked to on the computer and you honestly don't know how attached she was to him. Maybe, not as much as you think. I worry that if you confront him, he will sense your hurt and just twist the knife because she chose you and not him. Be thankful for the time you had together and let all this pain and misery go. It's tarnishing your memories and that is something a good husband would never allow.

It seems like the marriage was at the breaking point anyways before you both ended it with your infidelities. I don't think one is worse than the other, but were just the different ways each of you ended the marriage in your minds and broke your vows.

There simply wasn't much honest marital love between you two. At the same time it does appear you had good companionship and were friends to the end. Maybe you should just look at it as such.