Thanks again Cole! I find your blogs helpful in my path to healing myself. My CH is willing to do the transparency thing, but I am having trouble with all of it. He has been brutally honest in his quest to be open. I find the details I have learned are truly worse than the things I have imagined. I don't know how to move forward, or even stay in the present when I talk to him. We are separated, but he feels confident we are meant to be together and will reconcile. I am not so sure. I am resentful that he has decided that he truly loves me (he said he never stopped) and wants to talk to me nonstop because it makes him happy and gives him hope. However, for 2 months after DDay (which only happened because I caught him), he wouldn't answer my phone calls or texts when he was with her. I feel that not speaking to him would be a better avenue for me in my 'recovery'. When he first wanted to come back, we were moving toward getting closer. But, as time has past, my resentment to what he did seems to be growing. He told me he was not truly in love with her and it was a toxic situation that he can't believe he put himself in, but he did tell her he loved her, and he did choose to be with her over a period of 3 months before I found out (including the period when my father died and his was having health issues). I know that I am supposed to be doing some work of my own to make things better, but I truly don't believe he deserves it seeing as how I suggested working on our marriage before I even found out about them. And I am extremely pissed that he gave this other woman that much control over my marriage. I am also having an issue making small talk with this man who disrespected me, our wedding vows and our family! Do you have any advice on how the hurt spouse should behave in a situation where they are not ready to forgive (which I would like to do for my own sake) and reconcile, but the CS does not want to give up? I do love him and can not see my future without him in it, but am no where near taking him back as if he did not betray me so devastatingly, and really not sure if I ever will be.

Have you read up on the stages of grief over a loss?

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/04/this-is-chapter-excerpt-from-our-book.html

One of the stages is anger, which sounds like were you're at. A natural reaction to a grave injustice done to you. For most people, they will need to get past this before they can forgive and heal, or come to the point of acceptance.

But some people do get stuck here, because they feel a sense of control, entitlement, moral superiority to use as leverage. For some it is hard for them to let that go, because it provides at least a measure of security in an out-of-control situation.

For me the key was in recognizing how many times in my life I've received mercy and forgiveness for wrongs I've done. They perhaps don't rate as high as infidelity, but some of them were bad choices I made and negatively affected people all the same who didn't deserve it.

But I think the key difference in our situation is fear of a reoccurrence. The past actions prove to us our spouse is capable, given the right circumstances, of betraying us. How do we know they won't do it again given the right circumstances? So I think the issue of not letting them off the hook is traceable to this fear. If we give them a pass, nothing will really change and it will happen again.

Which is why I say that forgiveness is not letting them off the hook. It is your refusal to punish them yourself. You still hurt over it. If they fail to straighten up and fly right, there will still be consequences. Forgiving doesn't erase the consequences, it means you're going to work through this together rather than as adversaries.

But the feelings take a while to turn around. Often they change very slowly, inch by inch, as you feel you are gaining a secure foothold. And that may take a few months, or 2-5 years. What you feel and what you know in your head logically will often not match up, especially right at first.

Keep working on yourself. In time this will get better if he does what he should, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

Thanks Cole. I find your story inspiring and hopeful. I know we all feel alone and our story is different from everyone else's, but I really feel mine is. My husband chose the OW that night and then decided to try to fight for me. Of course, now he says he did not know what to do and if I had answered my phone that night, we might be in a different place now. But he can say whatever he wants now, can't he? She is no longer an issue. And I do know that he left her to try to come back to me, because I heard through a friend of a friend that she was devastated (poor thing!) and I do know he wants nothing to do with her. But, I don't know if I can move past all of the things he did. The thoughts are tortuous and I can't seem to stop them. Yes, I go on with my life, I work and take care of the children and go out with fiends, but the thought that my husband not only betrayed me and shattered my life, but gave the power to another is constantly there. I guess everyday is a success because I am doing it, I just don't want to feel this way anymore. But I firmly believe there is a light, so I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and waiting to see where I land.

Well, it is difficult to move on from those. While Gabi readily chose me on dday, she did say and do a lot of things during her 7 month series of affairs that would say the opposite. Pinkpony had to deal with over a year of rug sweeping from her H. Yes, everyone's experience is different, and I can't say where I'd be today if Gabi initially said she wanted a divorce, only to change her mind a couple months later.

But I think my point is because of your circumstances, you are feeling like he is only coming back to you because he can't have her. Which very well may be true. Only time will tell whether his decisions were due to irrational addiction to what she offered and he's come to his senses, or whether he really meant it and feels that way.

On top of that, we're also different individuals. I've seen some people on these forums put up with far more than I would have. It is possible you may have a real struggle getting past the rejection whereas others might take it in stride.

We all heal from this at different rates and struggle over some parts more than others, and that mix will be unique to each one even though we also all share a common experience.

IOW, my situation is also unique. But that doesn't make me alone, or that what others have gone through and learned doesn't apply to me necessarily. Some principles apply across the board.

For instance, the apparent rejection of me by Gabi didn't seem to hit me as hard, and one of the reasons, I think, is that my self-esteem wasn't as tied to her acceptance or rejection as is true in many cases. I saw what she did not as a problem with me, but with her. My only concern in moving forward with her was whether I could know she'd commit totally to me from then on and there would be no repeat performances.

That and the sense that during the As she became someone different from the woman I'd known for 28+ years. If I'd felt this was just who she was, I'd had a harder time getting past it.

But I've seen some who don't get past that. If you can't resolve that at some point, you may be forced to decide whether to stay in a substandard relationship or leave and start anew.

However you look at this mess we were unwillingly drug into, there are no "good" options, just what will be the best option for any one individual. Only you can decide that, based on as much data as you can gather.

Hi again Cole. Yes, we all have much to get through to get to the other side. My husband never mentioned divorce that night. In fact, I think he was shocked when he was served with the papers. However, his actions that night left me no choice than to take actions of my own. He says now he did not know what to do. He was busted and still in his fog, I guess. Whether I am able to get past his lack of fight for me that night is going to be a huge factor in where we end up when my fog clears.