Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Howdy everyone. Yep, 10 years ago, today, I discovered my wife of 29 years, back then, had cheated on my. Long story, so I wrote a book! Anyway, I came on here shortly after DDay and 10 years looked like a long, long way off. I'll probably come and answer questions and write more when I have more time. I wanted to get this post in there before the 11th past me by. But I'll say this much, amazingly I love my wife and she loves me. And I know pretty much how much because of all she did to heal herself. I always told her that the best way to heal me was to heal herself. But it took around 5-6 years before she actually felt like she had gotten over the AP and I fully got her back. It was a part of my life I don't know if I could ever go through again. And though everything now appears hunky dory, I know I can never let my guard down again. Not in the blind naitiivty state of mind that it would never happen to me. Been ten years. Life is good now (as good as it can be with Parkinson's), but there was a time for about four to five years after DDay that I could never be totally sure that it was unlikely that I would have to go through it again.
For those who might stiill be on here from back then, thanks for all the discussion and advice. BTW, my wife is Gabi on here, though I think it has been years since she has been on here. But for those with long memories.
I found out 3 weeks ago, my partner of 7 years has been to 3 prostitutes during our relationship. This has killed me inside, especially because I have dealt with this before at the start of our relationship and believed this would never happen again to me and we had been through our struggles. This makes it hurt more.
As unbelievable as it sounds, I know we love each other. I see what he has done to himself and how much he is trying every single minute of every day to make things right between us, but this is hard for me to cope with this betrayal and wonder how I will ever be ok with this again.
Of course naturally I feel I need to get one up on him to feel better and be able to accept what he has done and see it from a more painless perspective. But I know this will only push me further away, so I have to make the decision he didn’t for the sake of salvaging what we have left.
Strangely, over these past few weeks we have never felt closer to each other in ever way. This makes times more confusing for me.
I know there is a way out, I just don’t know where to start. Each time I have an outburst of emotion it seems to get even harder because I want it all to stop. Therapy would be good, if it was an option for me financially, this is how I came across this support group and I hope it can help me help myself through my journey !
I am sorry you've had to go through this, it is very painful and all consuming. In the initial 2-3 months, it was all I could think about 24/7. By the end of 3 months, I started to think about and be more productive at work, but we still talked about it a lot! And my mind kept going over and over the events as I attempted to recreate our relationship narrative.
So most of what you are going through is "normal" for us who have been cheated on. While it is true that you don't have another woman to focus your "wrath" on, and to wait several years to have your partner fall out of love/infatuation with the OP, it is obviously still cheating. And still very destructive to your marriage and relationship.
I'll contact you more privately about some helpful books and articles that may help. May you find a peaceful harbors in the midst of the storms.
GraceB: Yep, there can be hope, even when things look bleak. Admittedly, my experience is more the exception than the rule, I'm afraid. There are too many factors that go into a successful rebuilding to list them out here, but if the hurt spouse attacks the issues correctly, and the unfaithful spouse puts in 100% effort to heal him/herself, then there is always hope.
calirn13: I'm really happy to hear that. Not just that you are still together, but also that I helped in that process! Thank you for the encouragement.
Like your wife, I am doing everything possible to heal our marriage.
If you have any advice, articles or if you can share the name of the book you wrote I would appreciate it so much for any help you and your wife can give so my marriage can have a chance at the same ending as yours. :)
Every situation is different. The issues I had to "attack" were twofold. On the one hand, I had gotten very relaxed in standing up for boundaries I knew to be healthy. Even though in my head I was screaming, "THIS IS NOT OK!" I made excuses, I swallowed my hurt, and I didn't stand up to my husband to tell him that the choices he was making were weakening our marriage. On the other hand, I also made choices that weakened the marriage, and I wasn't as caring and attentive as I should have been, so I needed to do some work on myself.
Let me be clear: My husband did not cheat because I was a "bad wife." However, my actions did leave him feeling lonely, sad, isolated, and unloved. He could have chosen anything other than infidelity, though. That's 100% on him. However, I learned to express my appreciation for him and reassured him that I do love him. I learned to praise his accomplishments and share interests with him so that he wouldn't feel so alone. I was not as good to my husband as I should have been before his infidelity, so it was important for me to reinvest in the relationship, too. (I realize that is NOT everyone else's story! Even the best, most attentive, most loving spouses find themselves hurt and betrayed!)
As far as what I "attacked," that didn't have to do with self-growth: Boundaries!! He would come and go as he pleased. He had multiple email accounts, and I had no access to any of them. He worked odd hours that allowed him time/space to meet with the OW. I never questioned it when he was late or left early. Not that it's my job to be his keeper, but something he admitted to me was that he felt like I didn't even care if he was there or not. That might have shored that insecurity up a little if I had lovingly asked him if everything was OK when he was late. We didn't spend time alone, and our whole lives revolved around parenting or day-to-day survival, so I planned dates and made sure we invested time with each other.
In your case, you and your husband will have to take a long, hard look to discover what it was that allowed your husband access and excuses for infidelity. Dr. Shirley Glass writes about doors that we open that allow these inappropriate relationships to begin in "NOT Just Friends." It'll be up to you both to identify which doors you each allowed to open that allowed for these opportunities. Then you'll have to close those that were opened (firmly - and then pour cement over them to make sure they stayed close), and then you'll have to vigilantly make sure you each don't open new doors that allow for the same thing to happen again.
For some people, it's dating websites. Guys will go looking out of curiosity. Women will go to see if guys still think they're hot. In some cases, it's taking a relationship with a coworker from friendly to inappropriate simply by complaining about their marriages to each other. Sometimes, it's overnight business trips. Sometimes, it's binge drinking or drugs. Again, everyone has a different story and different frailties, so you'll have to figure out together where things broke down and "attack" those weaknesses (together!)
Allora hit my own thoughts on the head. My biggest adjustment was to simply paying attention to my wife, Spending more than 5 minutes a day focused on her. You get the picture.
I'll post my site and book in the Healing Infidelity Through Faith group. Check over there to see the links. Since I promote my book on my site, it violates spam rules to post info about it here. Give me a moment before you look there.
Wendal,
It is good to hear that you are 100% invested in healing the marriage. But I want to make sure you are thinking of this correctly (or close enough to it).
The marriage is the relationship between the two of you. Thus, to heal the marriage, that means both of you need to focus on healing yourselves. I always told my wife that I can only heal to the degree that you heal yourself. This is because an affair does a lot of damage to both parties. Both of you need healing. And the healing starts with the unfaithful spouse.. Without that spouse healing, there is nothing the hurt spouse can do to heal. That's why it is crazy when an unfaithful spouse says something along the lines of, "It's been three, six, etc. months and he cannot let it go what happened," when the unfaithful spouse refuses to focus on their own healing (this is quite apart from the fact that it can take years, even under the best of circumstances, to heal from this enough, since in truth it becomes a lifelong healing that should change the way a couple relates to each other).
The articles I've posted to my blog are many, even though I've stopped writing much on it in the last few years. Many of those are in my second book. I suppose as long as I don't post links and just respond to your question with the titles, it probably won't break and spam rules? The first book is the first two words of the group I spoke of above, and the second is like unto it, except it is the whole title with "through Faith" included. I'll still post the info on the group.
Thanks for all the support and all, around 10 years ago.