You will change your mind so many times, It has been a really long time for me, and my mind still changes, but it is more often, on the run the other way part. I never felt much remorse, and I know there is still a big lack of honesty, with that being said, I can't say what my mind would have done or would be doing, if she were remorseful and honest.

Listen to your gut, that voice, don't discount it. These day's I'm careful about what I pray for-that's how I ended up with my cheating H. I didn't think I could live without him-I was young and naive-he has taken up far to much of my time and energy. I wished I would of been strong enough and thought enough about myself when the affair came to light-but, I was in the toilet pretty much. I wished I would of had the strength to leave the marriage then-everything for a reason-I'm strong enough today-the days are numbered. I don't want to live with someone I no longer trust or love. I'm worth more then that and so are you.

Greenis, it probably IS part of the roller-coaster and only you know whether to run or not. But if you're feeling all those negative feelings about yourself because of his actions, then he's not a positive influence in your life. Surround yourself with people that care.

You may need more time. It's been over a year and a half since our world imploded in on itself (because of both my actions and my wifes actions) and we've gone through many, many ups and downs. Initially, those rides were quick and volatile. Now, they're not as severe (meaning emotionally taxing and destructive), but they're definitely more deep and thought-provoking. See how you feel in a few days and then see if a pattern is setting in.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

-TheRule

"I asked God to help him ... help him find his way home. God granted my request and now I'm not sure that I even want the jerk back. "

You should have asked God to help YOU....... not him.
God helped him.......shall we say that HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS?

Wishing you peace in the horrible affair aftermath.
Give it some time before you make a bold decision.

I say RUN! That gut feeling is God talking to you.... Listen to it.

I asked God to help me figure out what my h was doing, and found that he was cheating and doing steroids. Confirmed both after his death.

I asked God to help me do what was best for my son and to help me keep him safe. My H spent Thanksgiving weekend with the OW after telling me he had to "work out of town" that weekend. I spent that weekend moving irreplaceable items (my deceased mother's crystal, pictures, mementos, etc.) out of our home.

Keeping my son safe...? H killed himself and burnt down our home. I never saw this coming, but we COULD have been there and we could have lost everything in the fire. But, my son is safe and so are our irreplaceable items and pictures... I lost 95% of our belongings, I'm getting a royal screwing over by the insurance company but, I got what was most important... except for my cat...

God listened, answered my prayers, and gave me instruction to move. I listened and am thankful that I did. My situation is really bad, but I do realize it could have been MUCH worse than it was...

It is part of the roller coaster for sure, but that doesnt mean you should ignore it. I think when we first find out, especially in the case of those where the CS has an emotional attachment to the OW/OM, we do pray for our spouse to come back. We want our lives back, we want nothing to change...we want them to come home and love us like we believed they loved us before. We want what we believed our lives to be returned instead of this gut-wrenching nightmare it has become. In the beginning we are in the bottomless pit of hurt and despair, so we pray for them to return thinking if they just come home and love us again all will be ok. Then they do and we return to our routines but the reality is setting in that our lives will NEVER return to what it was preA. We will never feel the same again.

My h's affair did not have the emotional hold that some do, and was very short so we are actually progressing well but after how hard it has been with this short of an affair and him not caring for the OW, I can only imagine the pain that would come from a lengthy one where there was an emotional attachment. The very thought is terrifying for me.

I went through that relief stage though, the one where I thought it was all going to be ok and our lives would be able to return to what it was. Then I realized it wouldnt and like you I felt hopeless. I wasnt sure I could hang and I wasnt sure that my h would be able to give me what I would need to be able to stay either. We had so many huge whopper fights and I cried so many times I couldnt count!

Then I would have good and bad days....Now things are more like Rule stated..more muted. But I actually do know now we will be able to make it and be ok. It is all about communication. He has to be willing to stay the course and really stay at it. It is hard for the CS because they feel like they have done it all and yet we are still angry. They feel we just wont move on..when in fact it isnt that we wont..it is that we cant. It took alot for my h to get that! But I had to do the work too. What we found though is what works for us. Because we did, I am able to have more positive times which does wonders! We actually laugh again. I actually really FEEL when he tells me he loves me with all his heart and FEEL when he tells me I am beautiful he means it! For so long, I just couldnt. I mean I knew he did...I didnt doubt it, but when he said it to me, it was like it was bouncing off this protective shield I had up.

Like Rule said, I highly suggest you give it some time. You will probably see a pattern. I did, I would be up a day and then down for 2-3 for quite a while. My ups were loosely that as well. I would give it some time and see if things improve. It will take a while now that you are returning to your routine and he is home. That is actually when most of the real work begins.

Good luck to you, I hope you feel better soon.

Everybody is different in the aftermath of destruction (of a marriage). Personally, I couldn't imagine myself remaining in a relationship with someone who has cheated on me. I do however, send respect and support to people who feel they must try to reconcile. I do think if you are going to try to reconcile, you both need to be totally committed. If you're not feeling it, maybe it's just not right for you.

You are the only one who can really make the BIG DECISION. You have to know yourself, first of all. You know if you are ready to let it go. You know if your intuition is telling you to get out.

If it's time to go.. then go. If not, then commit. YOUR DECISION!

Sending strength and support.

(p.s. I never once changed my mind!)

I am where you are. Each day is a struggle for me. I pray that God will give me the strength to forgive and I try really hard to make my life more about me- not about him. In other words, use this time to read, get massages, talk to friends, exercise, become more spiritual, improve yourself- for you , not for him. Time will take care of your uncertainty- but in the meantime give yourself the love and caring you need to give yourself. Your happiness is more a result of how you feel about you- don't give your power away. Hurt people hurt people. That was his problem, and now we have to deal with it even if we stay or go. Good luck- to both of us.