ShanaJay,

I don't know the particulars of your situation, but he is married and it sounds like your relationship with him has crossed some lines, especially if you can't describe your feelings for him. If possible, go with the a "cold-turkey" approache and block his emails, phone calls, etc. If there are groups or activities that the two of you do together, you may want to find new ones.

Dave

Your question was "How can I let him go without getting hurt?" The answer is: You probably can't.

However, you can't let the potential for pain stop you from doing what you know is right. You absolutely HAVE to stop having any sort of relationship with this man. It isn't really a point of discussion.

Is he somebody you work with?

You will hurt if you cut him off. You will hurt even worse if you don't. You'll also hurt others, like his wife, his kids if he has any.

The difference is right now, if you end it, only you and he will hurt for a few months, then you'll move on with your life and find someone you can love who is free to commit to you and love you back exclusively.

Everyone goes through breakups. They seem hard and the end of the world at the time. Most all survive just fine and find happiness if they allow it.

The deeper this goes, the more hurt it will create in you and the more people it will hurt. The sooner you end it, the less pain you'll have to endure, and the less guilt you'll feel over being involved in a family breakup.

Keep him and hurt forever,
Keep him and hurt his wife forever
Keep him and make yourself dependent upon a deceitful adulter
Keep him and remain a deceitful adulter
Keep a man that brings out the worst in you,
Otherwise you would not hide your love

HI Dave, Thank you for the advice, much appreciated. And I have tried to block his calls and text (he hardly text now) but I have got physically sick, had trouble eating, sleeping and was very depressed; feels like i will never be happy again. so I ended up calling him again. Thats why i am trying to do. Letting go is harder. and how to do that ???

Hi MrCellophane, Thank you for your advice. No he is not someone I work with. He is a guy I met when I went on a holiday. And I have met him only once (only the time frame i was on that particular vacation) and we hardly spoke during that time. The conversation started after i came back home. I wish I know a way to end this without feeling miserable. Coz I cant do my job right as well. :(

HI Cole50, Thank you for your advice too. This is not the first heartache that i am going through. My first love left me when i turned 18 and that was heartbreaking and i have not got over him yet as well. I was so broken by that I didn't let anyone get close to me for the last 10 year. All the relationships I had after my love left me was over but I never got hurt by them. I made sure that I will not love another in this life. And I didn't. I don't whether i love this man or not, But all I know is I cannot let him go without getting hurt. I let my guard down and now I suffer immensely, it cannot be described by mere words. I just want this pain to go away. I m so lost. :( :( :( I cry every night and i cannot carry on like this.

HI Refurb, Thank you and I know whats the right thing to do. The trouble I have is how to do so. As all the things I used to love (watching movies, playing games, listening to music, stargazing, hanging out with my friends, playing with my pet cat, being with my family, going on trips) doesn't have any meaning now. I cannot distract myself with those anymore. All i think about is him and him only (even now i have the urge to call him). I just wanted that to stop

Sorry ShanaJay,
If I may, I would like to give my two cents. I was abandoned brutally by my husband. This was to a large extent due to the other woman not wanting to let go. The affair started secretly before I got pregnant with twins. Then I got pregnant with twins and they continued their relation nonetheless behind my back. I was in labor-related pain close to the birth of my babies lying in my bed. He lost it and told me he was leaving me two days before birth? This girl was jealous the whole time and didn't want to leave him alone. We got divorced. My twins were 6-week old tiny premature BABIES. Listen, anything you can do to let this guy go, please do. Are you sure you want to get involved with a guy would not be loyal to his wife? Would he not cheat YOU? Then you would get really hurt.

Dear Simit,

Thank you so much for sharing that information with me and I am so sorry that you have to go through that heartache specially when you are carrying his babies.

But believe me when i say that it was not my intentions to get close to him this much and certainly not my intention to break his family. He was not the first married man to approach me. I have dealt with others without any problems what so ever coz i know it is wrong. I am Buddhist girl, it a karma that i will have to endure in this life and the next lives to come. I so do not want to continue this. That's Why i seek help in forgetting him and learning to let go. I have gone for professional help, have taken medicine to control my moods, have told my friends to help me which they are also trying to get me out of this (they do have a hard time understanding why I have done this, coz i am not a person to do anything wrong, bad or against my religion or beliefs that i was brought up with) this is the first mistake i have done. which i am trying to correct. I so don't want to be a mistress or being called the other woman or a home wrecker. And i hate to see another family is wrecked coz my father left us to be with another woman after 40 years being married to my mother. I have two sisters as well.

Please help me to get over this sin. :(

I think it is difficult for the majority of us to feel a high level of empathy towards an OW. I admire those who have shown you compassion.

The reality is that your relationship with this person who is somebody else's H is going to end...guaranteed. You have two choices: 1) take control and end it yourself while you still can claim some level of self-respect; or 2) wait until after he leaves his wife and ultimately breaks up with you. Unfortunately the statistics support that the CS is unable to sustain a relationship with the OW (you).

There is a part of me that feels that this is what he deserves...his relationship with his wife and the one with you to be completely broken. The only problem with this scenario is that his wife completely does not deserve it. I am also afraid for you that whoever you involve yourself with next will cheat on you. I have seen that situation occur a time or two.

Please gather up enough strength to do the right thing. Wishing the best of everything for the wife, and the ultimately you if you do the right thing. The H on the other hand....

ShanaJay - Do I understand you correctly that this is essentially a long distance relationship, where you two "only" communicate via phone, email, text, skype, etc. Yes?

Have you considered that this might really just be a "one way" relationship? That your feelings for him are boundless, but he is not genuinely interested in taking it to another level? We are all here posting about you wrecking his marriage and hurting his wife and kids, etc., but... Is that all really just a part of a fantasy?

In any case, again, you came here asking "How to let go without getting hurt" (and not "Is it okay to be a home-wrecker?") And again I say - and echo Cole - that you probably cannot let go without getting hurt. But let go you must. You might just as well ask "How do I rip off a Band-Aid without getting hurt?" Rip it off any way you can - but if you bite the bullet and rip it quick, the soooner it will start to feel better.

I encourage you to go No Contact immediately (aka "Cold Turkey"), continue seeing a therapist, continue on medication, and continue to spend time with friends/family that support you.

ShanaJay - Yes, it is tough and yes, it is painful. It is hard to let go. My CS is having problems letting go of the OM after an 11-month online affair. Granted, our DD was only 7 weeks ago and she says she knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. I don't think she would have except I made her take concrete steps. Just last night, I found out she had searched him out yesterday on FB and had sent him friend request (apparently months ago) that was still pending.

The sleep and appetite loss are temporary (I hope because I have the same). It is good you are taking the first steps of cutting contact. What you have with him isn't a relationship, it's an addiction. So don't worry if you make mistakes from time to time, focus instead on the times when you stay strong. Try to add to those times.

I believe the next step is to rebuild your life. Focus on yourself and what you need. Go exercise, restart an old hobby or take up a new one, reconnect with old friends (who aren't connected to him), and meet new real life friends (sorry, we don't count). I do see that you no longer find meaning in your old hobbies. You may want to "fake" it for awhile just to see if that is true or if it's just the depression. Most important is to find ways to keep yourself busy and distracted. Boredom right now is your enemy.

Dave

then think about him, think about how he treats you and his wife like shit, think about what a selfish turd he is, 60/24/7 he is a mean selfish turd

You need to get hurt, as it may be the only way you will learn your lesson. He is a married man and you are sounding like a pitiful, desperate woman, hanging onto a long distance, one-sided by the sounds of it, affair. You care only about yourself and not getting hurt, as you have repeated numerous times, and think nothing about him, his wife and his family. The best thing you could do for everyone involved is to stop your nonsense, feel the pain for a few months, and move on.

What you're longing for, and are feeling hurt from, has little to do with him, and what you think you have, but more so to do with what you are lacking in your life.

Please understand that you have entered the domain of the BS, perhaps you will get more insight from the CA board.

You know my dear that the only person whose love you absolutely cannot do without is your own.Only you can fill up the empty places in your life. The last thing a tender vulnerable person needs is a reason to feel badly about themselves. You don't need this guy at all. This situation will only hurt you and his innocent wife. You don't need his approval or his pity. Walk away and don't look back. It will hurt some, but much less than it would if the relationship continues. Please try to love yourself a bit more, and realize that you shouldn't settle for being an option rather than a priority, you deserve better.