I'm sure one day she will find out. I would want to be the one to tell he too... just as a f you to the other guy. But think about how you feel, I'm sure she will feel the same too, probably best to let her find out on her own accord.

I don't think telling her filled with revenge works. However, alerting her to her real situation is something to do.

I wish someone had told me about my cheating ex-wife before she infected me with STDs.

One of which is causing me to have cancer decades later.

Many BS believe the affair partner's spouse should be told, and the reason for this is once an affair is exposed, it's chances of survival are limited, it helps to lift the fog of the affair, and it speeds up the recovery and rebuiding because the cheating spouses now have to deal with the aftermath of what they've caused; when they don't, they recommit down the road.

I understand you don't want to ruin another family, but you are not going to do that, this man has, so place the blame where it belongs. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to be told?

FWIW, I was caught in an affair by the other person's wife, and she told literally everyone she could find. She approached my husband many times. It caused a disaster, and it didn't seem to make her feel better. It also started to feel cruel to my husband, as he was an innocent victim. If you do it, I would be discreet and kind to that spouse.

Yeah, it's not coming from a revenge or vindictive side really, I think lol. I know it won't make me feel better that's for sure. I'm pretty compassionate and have a hard time seeing people suffer. I don't know the guy and I certainly do not know his wife, I wouldn't even know how to start trying to find her.

Ans yes, I think I would want to know,

what about asking my WS to do it? or at least to get me in contact ... should I even tell her, my WS? keeping in mind they, my ws and him, work together.

Something about having your CS be the one to tell the OM's wife about their affair feels cruel to the wife. It could come across as rubbing in her face, "Look at me! I was the other woman. Guess what we did?"

Even though I am in the camp that feels only the OM should tell his wife about the affair (since he is the only one who made and broke promises to her), I think the news would come off better from you than from your wife.

Yeah, the more I think about that it sounds ridiculous. Thanks for your insight!

Some BS's tell their CS that they want the AP's betrayed spouse to know, and ask their CS to tell the affair partner about it, as an incentive for him to tell his BS.

let her know he is wasting her life. my husband had an affair and the boyfriend of the girl called me and no matter how much it hurt me I was glad he told me or my husband would have continued to do it and have me at the same time. I left him. It hurt really bad thats putting it lightly.It destroyed me but I am better now.

I had to bust out my puzzle logic skills for that one! I like that approach.

thanks cat ... i have no way of finding her, that's my problem.

As a BS I would want to know. In fact I wish just 1 person had said something to me over the 30 years of serial infidelity. Things might have turned out differently. I know for sure I would have made different choices for myself in my 20's, 30's, 40's had I been told the extent of the cheating. You can keep it simple like "My spouse has been cheating on me with your spouse. The reason I'm telling you this is because I'm very concerned about STDs."

Imho the health risk alone is enough of a reason to tell the AP's spouse.

Lenoire's suggestion about getting the OM to tell his wife himself is a good one.

I agree. If I knew the OM's BS, or how to find her I'd tell her myself.