Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I also posted the following on the "rebuilding " thread:
Like many of us on here, i often find myself on that emotional roller coaster. Vacillating between seeing the good in my man, and then momentarily feeling that punch in the gut.
My H and iI are working hard at rebuilding... Doing the best we can. All things considered, i think I am doing pretty well ... Recognizing my triggers, addressing them before they send me spiraling down the rabbit hole. H does what he can to put my mind at ease, walk me through them and give me comfort. HOWEVER, the biggest trigger of all which causes me to exclaim"this is crazy!" Is him! Please bear with me, as I may begin to babble.
Sometimes just hearing his voice over the phone creates such an ache in my heart. I have to do everything i can to make it through the call without falling apart! Maybe this falls into line with my very my post in the infidelity thread of "void of joy." HE is the reminder of the hole in my heart. Am i just stuck in grief? Am i just being so guarded that i cannot see the love he has for me?
It is almost as if that no matter what he does in our journey to recovery it isn't enough. Nothing he can do will replace what he took away. I try every single day to live in the NOW and really.. i think i am doing well until we speak on the !. (Okay... I know some might say, then don't talk on the phone...unfortunately it isn't that simple.My H has to commute LD for work... The phone is an important lifeline for us right now.)
Anyway... Does this make sense to anyone at all. Have you experienced this where your spouse is the biggest trigger of all?..
Does inis make sense to anyone at all?
Like many of us on here, i often find myself on that emotional roller coaster. Vacillating between seeing the good in my man, and then momentarily feeling that punch in the gut.
My H and iI are working hard at rebuilding... Doing the best we can. All things considered, i think I am doing pretty well ... Recognizing my triggers, addressing them before they send me spiraling down the rabbit hole. H does what he can to put my mind at ease, walk me through them and give me comfort. HOWEVER, the biggest trigger of all which causes me to exclaim"this is crazy!" Is him! Please bear with me, as I may begin to babble.
Sometimes just hearing his voice over the phone creates such an ache in my heart. I have to do everything i can to make it through the call without falling apart! Maybe this falls into line with my very my post in the infidelity thread of "void of joy." HE is the reminder of the hole in my heart. Am i just stuck in grief? Am i just being so guarded that i cannot see the love he has for me?
It is almost as if that no matter what he does in our journey to recovery it isn't enough. Nothing he can do will replace what he took away. I try every single day to live in the NOW and really.. i think i am doing well until we speak on the !. (Okay... I know some might say, then don't talk on the phone...unfortunately it isn't that simple.My H has to commute LD for work... The phone is an important lifeline for us right now.)
Anyway... Does this make sense to anyone at all. Have you experienced this where your spouse is the biggest trigger of all?..
Does inis make sense to anyone at all?
I too feel the same way as you when my H tells me i am the love of his life, etc... Ummm... Really? I know all of these negative thoughts just hinder my progress in rebuilding. I am trying to stay focused on the NOW Taking to heart from a few who posted on the rebuilding forum.... Remembering the fact that he IS A good man, trying to change my way of thinking.
Now, I can look back at this. It really threw me for a while back then, but now, I can see that this was the deepest kind of grieving for 'what was mine and only mine and now wasn't.' To me, that was the deepest kind of assault in all of that
Maybe if you look at it as grief and not as 'crazy?' Because you are not crazy. Sure, I know all of this and the pain of it all can make you think you are, but damn, you aren't. You are just grieving for something that was hurt or lost for a time.
...and the funny thing about grieving is that it just won't go away on it's own. Grief, to me, is a little shit sometimes. It hit me when it was the worst possible time. When crying would be 'not good.' Still, it would show up...
My advice? Take it for what it's worth, but have a talk with your man and tell him you aren't nuts - you are grieving for a part of your marriage and your core being that has gotten some major damage. Your crying is not 'at him,' but about that. And sometimes, he may have to see or hear you crying, because grief is nasty like that. When it shows up, it won't be ignored or pushed off for a time.
Then? Go ahead and have the good cry and remember that rebuilding is hard and crying is necessary and getting thru this all is no walk in the park...
I did try to rebuild the first time my EX cheated. I remember those moments of 'hey, damnit, I thought that was mine and only mine.' That was the crux for me to get past.
You have a good man who is rebuilding that spot of security WITH you. This is part of it. Tears are part of it.
You aren't crazy. This isn't crazy.
L~
My H cheated for many years, while away visiting parents, a 2 hour car drive away. He'd call from his mother's when he'd arrive, at night before going to bed, in the morning to say good morning, and when he was on his way home.
He lied repeatedly to me over the phone because it was during those trips that he had his infidelity. And now when I hear his voice on the phone, it feels like he could be lying, even though he probably isn't.
In fact the whole phone thing has become a problem for me. Not calling at the moment he's supposed to sends me into a frenzy of fear and doubt. It triggers my thoughts about how he'd make excuses about leaving his parents late, or the times he'd call at 9:30pm saying he was going to bed, when really he was on his way to a rendezvous. So that I wouldn't call the house at 10 only to find out that he's gone to meet a friend.
So yes, the whole voice on the phone thing is a big trigger.