mj - Have you read The Five Love Languages yet and identified what your love language and hers is?

If I had found the book and its information in time, it might have helped save my marriage. I was sending out love the way I wanted to receive it. My ex did not feel loved because I was not communicating in her love language.

If you haven't read it yet, you would benefit from it BEFORE talking to her about it again.

Well I guess you guys are doing a bit better as your still together. My question is...why isn't SHE asking what YOU need from her. Isn't she the cheater? Why do good men stay with women who are "NOT" so good. It just makes a GOOD single woman ponder as well.

Sounds like she has no clue what she really wants. Im sure you are frustrated, but you will eventually have to make a choice as to whether or not you will ever be able to find happiness here.

ImDealing - yes i have read the book, but i have never thought to suggest it to her. I read it a long time ago before we ever meet.

cbazan - she probably does not think to ask, but i know she hears when i tell her what i need. But just because she hears it does not mean she comprehends it. I know i cannot make her give me what i need. She has to determine she can do that on her own.

Cant - You are probably right, she may not know what she needs. and yes i am frusterated LOL. But with all your support i make it thourhg another day at a time.

It is possible she responded to the actual question you asked, instead of probably what you mean, or should mean. True, meeting her romantic needs will not guarantee she won't go back to her ex, but it will greatly reduce the possibility. Yet, that specifically isn't the main reason you are doing them.

The question shouldn't be what she needed from you to keep her from going back to her ex, but what she needed from you to feel you love her. There is a big, big difference.

The way you phrased the question put the responsibility for her to not return to the ex on your shoulders, instead of hers where it belonged. That question should be, what are you doing that will help prevent you from going back to your ex?

And as one has said, more than likely she's giving the reasons she feels she sought him out in the first place. But that doesn't address how she receives romantic love, which is where your focus should be. In the end focusing on that may prevent her from returning to her ex, but the real goal of that is simply to improve your marriage, to be able to communicate to each other that you love one another in they way the other will be able to hear it.

In addition to the book mentioned, another one my wife and I have read which we found highly beneficial is 'His Needs, Her Needs" and has helped us understand where each of us were messed up in how we related to one another.

A quick example. Last year, before the whole A things started, I made a concerted effort to be more affectionate with my W. I would touch her, rub her back before she fell asleep, greet her with a kiss and hug, just make an overall effort to be affectionate.

What I realized is though she seemed to appreciate those things, it didn't seem to really make a big difference to her. I figured all women took those things as romantic and loving. Yet when I walked in the door from work she didn't even say hi, much less act excited that I was home, or greet me with kisses and hugs. I would have to go where she sat at the computer and pat her back, and kiss her. To which she might or might not respond much to.

And despite all that, the weeks before the first man took her emotions on a ride, she felt annoyed with me. Didn't look forward to me coming home. Would rather I stayed out. Despite all that work on affection.

Well, in reading that above book, for her, affection only meant something in context. It wasn't the primary way she received the message, "I love you" from me. And that could stem from early in our marriage when she didn't want to have sex with me much, and took any form of affection I gave as me saying, "Let's go to bed and have sex" whether I meant it that way or not.

I've learned that what makes her really feel loved is when I spend time with her, even if it is just general chit-chat. Me paying her attention tells her I love her.

So many you just need to ask the right question, and make sure you put the main responsibility for healing the damage she's done to the marriage from the A on her shoulders. It is up to her to make you feel secure, not for you to do that.

If she still doesn't seem to respond in a helpful fashion, it may be she doesn't know anymore what she needs. Or she is till foggy and not thinking straight. But I do think that was the wrong question to ask.

Oh, I was going to add, think back to when you were dating. What things were you doing then that you are not doing now? That could give a good indication of how she receives love from you. Then work to do those things which at the time of a new relationship was "natural" for you, but perhaps you've let slip by the wayside as life marched on in your relationship.

The problem is you asked what YOU needed to do. You weren't the reason she cheated. SHE is the reason she cheated. She needs to figure out why and how to not do it again. Otherwise you're wasting your time. Sure, your marriage may have been flawed. But what is wrong with her that she cheated, lied, slept around, instead of just ending it with you? The answer is something. Something is wrong. She needs to fix it. Not you.

Cole and Mecab - you both have very good points. And yes i more than likely did not ask the right question. However though being that she was / is putting the blame on me as to why she cheated, i think that was the reaction i had, if it was my fault what can i do to fix it.
I do know a year later that while i am partially at fault i am not totlaly at fault.
Unfortunantly going back to when we were dating would not really be a good indicator LOL. Until her A, i never was affectionate, or had any real desire to be intimate or romantic. And even now, it is something i have to force myself to do. But i do it to try to make her happy.

MJ, I am with Cole and Mecab here....

I think it's great that you asked, but damn, it ticks me off that all her answers laid the blame for HER actions at your feet.

Hell, Man, you didn't tell her cheat. That was her choice. Unless you would have helped her off with her clothes with that other clown, there is no way you were responsible for her choice.

Sooooooo....I think you could make all the changes in the world. You may not be the most romantic, intimate guy in the world, but, here's the BUT that I need for you to hear...

...don't you think you would be the romantic, intimate guy that she said she wanted a year ago, if she was chasing you around the kitchen, grabbing YOUR butt? If she was jumping in the shower with YOU? If she was demonstrating attraction to you?

Cuz, MJ, I think that would make all the difference to you.

Just my two cents, L~

I second "His Needs, Her Needs"

Even if you don't buy the book, there are free questionnaires which may help you ask the right questions and her be able to answer in a more concrete way. After all, what does "Be more romantic" MEAN anyway?? Totally different from one person to the next.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf - if you're interested.

Also...

Be sure to give her verbal cues as well as showing her through actions. TELL her, "Honey, I am trying to give you love/affection/time/conversation," then ASK her, "Can you put down the book/turn off the TV please so I can spend some time with you?" Then GET her to tell what she'd rather you give/do for her or when a better time would be if she still rejects you.

But - to be fair, she may not realize what you're doing. Verbal cues can help bridge that gap.

I know it sounds dumb but, there have been times I didn't have a clue that my husband was trying to show love to me - he just was being irritating/annoying as far as I was concerned. When he called himself out I realized I was on one page and he was on another and we just needed to find the SAME page.

An example: Him trying to feel me up while I'm folding laundry? Notsosexy. Me pushing him away or grumpily telling him to stop?
He feels rejected. Instead, along with the feel up:

Him: Mm... I want to take you upstairs and ravish you.
Me: Awesome! You finish folding the laundry, I'll run upstairs and get sexy for you.

NOW we're talking! *evil grin*

Doesn't always work. Let's face it, if she's not receptive, she's not receptive, but sometimes she just needs to know where you're headed so she can aim in that direction, too. :) (Or so you two can come to a mutual good place.)