Could be her perception is not accurate.

Think of teenagers: "But Mom, everyone is doing it/has one" mentality.

Hmm very interesting and I guess I can only offer a little bit of how that interaction with co workers affects me. I actually never really gave it much thought until just now reading this. In my situation I was the one betrayed (sorry I haven't learned all the abbreviations used here yet), my wife is absolutely adamant on making this work and I am still just kind of hanging in there trying to figure out if I can. My wife and I both work with several people going through or having recently gone through a divorce and/or end to long term relationships. It seems for here there is little or no effect because she has a one track mind, it IS going to work period. For me I think it is weighing heavy on me though like I said I hadn't really thought of it until now. I have several co-workers going through and more that have already gone through a separation and what I am seeing, whether it is the way it really is or just how I see it, is they were miserable but moved on and are now mostly happy, while I am stuck still being miserable and in limbo. I see them in their new realtionships seemingly happy, though, I try to remind myself that new relationships are always happy but dont always last and that some of them have done this over and over and will soon be miserable again. Anyway I do think you have a point and yes the people we interact with and their lives do have an influence on us, each person to a different degree and way. Your wife may see or feel some of the things I do and sees people happy in new relationships, whether it real happiness, or just the newness or the change. It is also interesting to me that you work with more people but less are in that type of situation and makes me curious if there seems to be a reason for that, like your different occupations. I am in law enforcement, which everyone knows can be very hard on relationships so I think that is why I have more co-workers in that position, such as almost everyone who works nights.

Deli- I do agree about perception. We have a 14 year old daughter recently i had a conversation with her about this topic. Things are not always how they appear. As for the 8 people I am aquainted with a few of them and know for sure their marriages are suffering. We recently bought some furniture and are getting rid a couch and it will be going to another one of her coworkers for her new apartment due to her finalized divorce.

County- First off sorry you are here but glad you have found the site. I am the BS (Betrayed Spouse) and wife the CS (Cheating Spouse). I find myself thinking similar to you as to why I would want to rebuild and stay married to someone who betrayed me. I can't find it in my heart to quit the marriage. I believe wife is a good person who made a bad choice and for the time being I am staying to fight for the marriage that I vowed to honor. Until I reach a point that I can be at peace with the fact that I did everything possible to rebuild and leave 100% at peace with myself. As for occupations she is a nurse in a outpatient hospital and works 12 hr days. I work in manufacturing on the dreaded 3rd shift. I had a similar thought to the occupational and shift aspect but from my situation I felt the two cancel each other out. As for working with more people but seeing or hearing about less issues that is what got me thinking and wondering if there is a sixth sense or something to that affect that draws people into sharing this information.

I totally get this. She may already be in a confused start as to wether she wants to rebuild and discussing her life with any of these people can be a sort of "misery loves company" kind of thing.

When I initially split from my H over 3 years ago, 2 of my friends in unhappy marriages split too. They saw me happily moving on and it gave them strength.


One has managed to work on her marriage the other is going through a nasty divorce.

Divorce can be contagious and seem appealing to a person on the fence. Why is your wife on the fence?

I totally get this. She may already be in a confused start as to wether she wants to rebuild and discussing her life with any of these people can be a sort of "misery loves company" kind of thing.

When I initially split from my H over 3 years ago, 2 of my friends in unhappy marriages split too. They saw me happily moving on and it gave them strength.


One has managed to work on her marriage the other is going through a nasty divorce.

Divorce can be contagious and seem appealing to a person on the fence. Why is your wife on the fence?

I can tell you that when my H was going through his dicky phase I sought out like minded people. If I wanted to bitch about what an ass he is I wasn't going to the "we are so happy my H is swell" type. I was going to the "yea all men suck" group.

These people at your wife's job have formed a de facto support group.
I don't think that bodes well for you.

Pink- She doesn't feel I can change. I Have recently discovered I have tendencies of a verbal abuser. I would have never put myself in this class because I never spoke to my wife in a way I thought a verbal abuser did. Yelling at her and calling her names. Little did I know verbal abuse is alot more than that. Fiberjunkie actually picked up on it in one of my journal entries and commented. I am not proud of the fact that I fall into this category but I am working on it through my IC. Anyway to finish answering your question why she is on the fence? She feels worthlessness. Ignored and dicounted. She doesn't feel safe /secure. I empathize with her and see now the damage and hurt that happens over a long time.

I agree with Daledge. Also, I am very cynical. I think she is only telling you a little part of this. I think she is looking for support and sharing and therefore like Dalege said, she is learning about others now.

I am not sure if that is really that bad a thing. I wish my wife would socialize with women, to hear how shitty some of the marriages are out there, how shitty spouses can be. I know she would appreciate me and us more. Conversely, what your wife is doing could certainly be motivating her to not want to rebuild, for whatever reason.

The point is, don't believe everything you are hearing. I assume you are a BS?

I think it depends on if the people around her chose to leave the relationships or if their partners did. Personal experience only, the person deciding to end things tends to feel empowered in the beginning while the person being left is devastated.

My husband has three sisters and two brothers. I have one brother and one sister. Two of my h's sisters and 1 of his brothers is divorced. My sister's marriage is failing and my brother is divorced. I, of course, am working towards divorce. A neighbor down the street from me is going through a divorce. My brother has a few friends who are divorced. I know others from my neighborhood/community who have become divorced.
I will say that some of the divorces make me feel like I should just go ahead and file right now, to not wait. I have to find a job first and get some things in order. I already regret not getting a divorce when I found out about my h.
I do think that the experiences of others can influence our own decisions.

My wife, during her "bad year" was hanging out with two divorsed friends. One made my wife her surogate "bitch". They seemed like they were married! My wife hung out at her apartment, drank & smoked weed there, texed the OM.....
It was this "friend" that encouraged my wife to send naked pix to the OM. It was this "friend" that made this behavior OK. It was this friend that supplied my wife with drugs when my wife didn't have access to any.
While I appreciate that I can't blame "the friend" for my wife's poor choices and actions, I truly believe that you become a compilation of the people you spend the most time with!

IF YOU LIE DOWN WITH DOGS, YOU WAKE UP WITH FLEAS!

Working, are you Amish? How would your wife Not have access to drugs? If school kids can get them, so can she if that's what she wants to do.

My drug of choice during my affair was alcohol. I can hardly blame the bartender or the governing body that licenses the liquor store for making it available.

I think if your wife, or anyone, is that swayed by others' situations, that is confuses them about their own, that says a lot about her lack of maturity.

I am the BS. I do agree that I am not hearing the whole story which bothers me. She doesn't talk to me. When I ask how her day went it is "ok" or "boring". I truely feel like she hates me. While I asked her if she does hate me she responds with "no I don't hate you. I really don't know how I feel about you. " The tension in the room could be cut with a knife.

What really confuses me is her talking about future plans like vacations and fixing up the house when she is so uncertain about our marriage. That is what got me to thinking that if she is hearing others talk about their failing marriages and divorcing it can be adding to the confusion. As for being influenced and the level of maturity. I can see how even a mature person can be moved to try something new based off the "high" another describes. Like the choice to cheat. She is a CS so maybe that also is telling in reference to a maturity level.

Gunna, she sounds a bit lost right now. This making of future plans vs. not knowing how she feels about you right now/little or no communication.

Ouch....just ouch.

I hope you try counseling?

As far as the people she is surrounding herself with? They can have an impact.

L~