Surviving an Affair, from that website! I totally recommend it!
Get it on audiobook, I listened to it while driving, working out ect..

Your husband doesn't know about what?

I had not talked to him about marriage builders yet. We have now talked about it but he has not read anything yet.

The first book our counselor recommended to us was "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Hartley Jr. It ended up being key in our rebuilding. It isn't as comprehensive as "Surviving an Affair" which we just finished a couple of months ago, but opened my understanding on how to improve our marriage on my part. She also did the same, and we worked as a team.

Mr. Hartley has some good advice which can really help. While we didn't formally do a lot of what he talked about, we innately did in a more informal manner.

I only had one or two disagreements with his advice. He said, if I'm remembering correctly, that once the affairs had been discussed, the BS should not bring it up again. I get what he's driving at, if a BS is using the As as a whip to beat over the head of the CS constantly. Not productive to developing a loving relationship. But I don't think an artificial time-line should be applied to the discussion. In time, yes, it shouldn't be the constant topic of conversation. However, initially it will be for the first 3-6 months or more, especially if the CS isn't doing what they should. Likewise, if the BS has a valid question even a couple of years or more after dday, they should feel free to ask it. At some point, you'll start looking forward instead of backward at the devastation, but one discussion will rarely do that. It is important for the BS to work through what happened if they are to recover and heal themselves, even if it takes a few months.

The other is more of an easy misunderstanding. Hartley takes the approach that one key to healing from infidelity is to work on the marriage. That necessitates both spouses doing things for the other as equal partners in the relationship. Some tend to interpret that as saying, "He's blaming the BS for the affair." Not really, and he explains this if I recall. The CS does have the bulk of the work to do in repairing the damage from the affair, but in healing the *marriage*, it takes both working toward that goal. But out of context, it can seem that he's saying both spouses are responsible for the affair since both spouses need to do things the other needs; that the problems in the marriage caused the affair. No, not what he is saying. Rather, the infidelity is the responsibility of the CS's choice, but to rebuild the marriage the infidelity has destroyed takes both working together on the marriage, once the CS has provided a safe place for the BS to invest in the marriage again. One person doing everything, CS or BS, will not result in a rebuilt marriage. The BS has a part to play in the healing of the marriage as well.

Keeping those two things in mind, it is a good site with very helpful information.

Totally agree Cole
If the CS is doing all the work, how is it rebuilding... That is just punishing.. And the CS won't want to be there and just leave... A relationship is 2 people working together.

Here is an older post from Cole50, great explanation


http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/19215257-healing-steps-hurt

While i agree that the cs should not have to do all of the work thru are in most instances responsible for the majority of it especially during the early trauma phase after dday. If a rebuild is to be successful the bs needs to hop on board at some point.

WOW just started reading Surviving an Affair. I've been on the site and I've also had a personal conversation with his wife Joyce, lovely women. Here's my problem with all the so called experts out there. Have any of them been through this before??? No they haven't so most of the advise is a generalization which you can by all means apply, but don't tell me, until you have felt the devastation of an affair, that this should, if followed will definitely work. I'm on board, but like everything else in life, only time will tell. Cole, I agree with you 110 percent on the rehashing part. If I have a question, why shouldn't be answered. My husband hasn't answered to any of his behavior up until now!! Until I feel secure the way I thought I was in my marriage and only my husband can do that for me is when I will be able to make the full commitment it is going to take to restore my marriage.

I've been out of pocket for a month. :)

Pink, I totally agree. That's what I meant in saying that first the CS has to create a security for the BS to be able to reinvest in the marriage. And the realization of feeling secure enough to do that can take months or even years, depending on personalities and circumstances.

One of the things I told Gabi shortly after dday was I would be able to heal in proportion to how well she healed herself. IOW, the ball was in her court to either set things right so I could heal, or fail to and so I couldn't reinvest myself in rebuilding the marriage. But once she did that, it wouldn't have worked if I didn't start investing in the marriage when I could do so, whenever that would be.

Naturally I can't fix the cheating part, because I'm not responsible for that decision. And until the cheating issues are resolved or well on their way to being resolved, working on the marriage is not likely to happen. But the truth is the marriage needs to be better after rebuilding or the BS won't feel like it was worth all the effort to rebuild. It creates insecurities if things go back to the way they were pre-affair. And in marriage it takes two to tango. Only one person investing won't work.

But yes, when the BS is in the emotional ICU in the weeks and months following dday, don't expect them to "get up and go to work" so to speak. They have to recover first, and a lot of that is highly dependent upon the CS doing the work they need to do. So up front, the majority of the work is on the CS if rebuilding is to happen.

I really like their website too.

Well, I guess I am in a different boat. My stbx 'justifies' his affair because of fictitious affair I had 15 years ago. He has no remorse, you see. I tried to forgive him. 3 TIMES! Our marriage failed because of me. I had an 'affair' (he has no proof because It never happened) 15 years ago and I became a prude when he would come home MANY weeknights at 11:30 drunk.
I guess he thought I would just walk away because he really didn't expect me to file for divorce.
All I can say is I did get a lawyer and THANKS for the 'early retirement.' I should get enough out of our assets to hold me over for a few years. Then I can start collecting half his pension and half his Social security.
Yep - thanks for the affair you jerk. I get to retire early and you get to support my retirement while you continue to work. Boo Hoo.

My H thought I had an affair with a guy from work also. That's what he told OW#1.... Totally didn't happen, however this guy was my friend, no romantic crap going on. (Unless you count all the booty calls I hooked him up with) and not with me!

My H and I hate following the guidelines. It's hard... Honesty is a hard one. When I ask any question, no matter what I want a totally honest answer.. He is having difficulty with it.
Example: you think that girl is hot... His answer.. Not as hot as you. UGH!
POJA is working very well