Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This might help some of the BS spouses out there understand the crazy path that WSs take and the non logically way things unravel when the WS choices to kill and destroy everything they once loved and cherished. This is especially true if kids are involved and the family unit is destroyed.
Unfortunately, I have learned a lot on this subject from personal experience. Please either comment or add to the discussion because I am not an expert only someone who has gone through this and can now reflect.
It normally starts as I have stated before with some resentment and some emotional need not getting meet. The WS starts to brain wash themselves into thinking that their spouse/bf does not really care about them all that much and they have very poor communication skills to express anything that they might be thinking or feeling.
Some AP normally some low life opportunistic jack ass comes along and sees your WS and starts to hit on them this is a great feeling to them because normally their self esteem is so low for whatever internal reasons that they get a natural high off of this.
I have found that personally my WS AP was someone that sort of looked like an old flame she had a crush on growing up so there is some sort of connection there because in my experience it wasnt just a random sort of guy there was some perceived history to it. Still doesnt make sense but thats what happened.
So the WS starts to feel special I have this new person interested in me my BS loves me I think and tells me I am pretty or gives me attention but its just not enough I need some external validation. Butterflies start to enter the picture and now the WS looks forward to seeing this AP. The WS fence sits for awhile and starts to do the whole comparison to new AP dude that seems so magical and their BS that that is old news to them and perhaps the resentment memories for whatever none perfection things they do. The BS has no clue whats going on and tries hard to do whatever it is because the WS now has power and a Plan B is in their side pocket (the BS). They gain control and feel powerful with this new exciting situation. They have a love triangle and their ego is boasted to the skys attention from all angles. Now mind you the definition of true love is putting someone elses needs first before your own well the WS is only putting their needs first and foremost and again if children are involved this is beyond selfish.
Control now over the BS by the WS - mixed in with power - add some excitement and resentment and some emotional needs that are getting meet by bad person AP, you now have crazy town 101. What the WS also does is they try to hurt the ego and pride of the BS at every given chance and opportunity they want to keep the BS down for as long as possible and they will do all sorts of things and say all sorts of things to do this. This is very critical of them because they knew the path they are taking is extremely messed up so they must keep the BS down in order to maintain a plan B. This is why they will do and say so many crazy things if the BS stays strong and endures this storm the WS once the fog has lifted and they now see that the AP is not special and only used them and that the BS either moves on or disengages from the whole thing that they are left with so much guilt over what they have done that it brings the WS down to their knees. Hence this is why a lot of WS end up in a hospital because of the major guilt of every crazy thing they did and what they tried to do and what they actually destroyed.
What does AP get out of thisAP loves the chase cause they are completely wacked out with their own screwed up life and thoughts that this takes their mind off of whatever other evil crap that goes on in their heads. Its a major ego stroke for them to be able to say hey I didnt just pull a chick I pulled a married one and a married one with kids. Add that to my list of greatness.
This is what I have learned please feel free to correct or add or share your experiences.
thanks
Unfortunately, I have learned a lot on this subject from personal experience. Please either comment or add to the discussion because I am not an expert only someone who has gone through this and can now reflect.
It normally starts as I have stated before with some resentment and some emotional need not getting meet. The WS starts to brain wash themselves into thinking that their spouse/bf does not really care about them all that much and they have very poor communication skills to express anything that they might be thinking or feeling.
Some AP normally some low life opportunistic jack ass comes along and sees your WS and starts to hit on them this is a great feeling to them because normally their self esteem is so low for whatever internal reasons that they get a natural high off of this.
I have found that personally my WS AP was someone that sort of looked like an old flame she had a crush on growing up so there is some sort of connection there because in my experience it wasnt just a random sort of guy there was some perceived history to it. Still doesnt make sense but thats what happened.
So the WS starts to feel special I have this new person interested in me my BS loves me I think and tells me I am pretty or gives me attention but its just not enough I need some external validation. Butterflies start to enter the picture and now the WS looks forward to seeing this AP. The WS fence sits for awhile and starts to do the whole comparison to new AP dude that seems so magical and their BS that that is old news to them and perhaps the resentment memories for whatever none perfection things they do. The BS has no clue whats going on and tries hard to do whatever it is because the WS now has power and a Plan B is in their side pocket (the BS). They gain control and feel powerful with this new exciting situation. They have a love triangle and their ego is boasted to the skys attention from all angles. Now mind you the definition of true love is putting someone elses needs first before your own well the WS is only putting their needs first and foremost and again if children are involved this is beyond selfish.
Control now over the BS by the WS - mixed in with power - add some excitement and resentment and some emotional needs that are getting meet by bad person AP, you now have crazy town 101. What the WS also does is they try to hurt the ego and pride of the BS at every given chance and opportunity they want to keep the BS down for as long as possible and they will do all sorts of things and say all sorts of things to do this. This is very critical of them because they knew the path they are taking is extremely messed up so they must keep the BS down in order to maintain a plan B. This is why they will do and say so many crazy things if the BS stays strong and endures this storm the WS once the fog has lifted and they now see that the AP is not special and only used them and that the BS either moves on or disengages from the whole thing that they are left with so much guilt over what they have done that it brings the WS down to their knees. Hence this is why a lot of WS end up in a hospital because of the major guilt of every crazy thing they did and what they tried to do and what they actually destroyed.
What does AP get out of thisAP loves the chase cause they are completely wacked out with their own screwed up life and thoughts that this takes their mind off of whatever other evil crap that goes on in their heads. Its a major ego stroke for them to be able to say hey I didnt just pull a chick I pulled a married one and a married one with kids. Add that to my list of greatness.
This is what I have learned please feel free to correct or add or share your experiences.
thanks
Off the top of my head:
BS = betrayed spouse
CS or WS = cheating or wayward spouse
OP or AP = other person or affair partner
All of these can take gender specific abbreviations, too:
BW / BH betrayed wife/husband
OW/OM other woman/man
DDAY = day of discovery
R = recovery/recovering
A = affair
STBX = soon to be ex
I'm sure there are more, but hopefully that helps some?
Well. Just part of my response since I'm on my phone and my thumbs can't handle my usual verbosity. ;)
As far as demonizing the affair partner, yes, sometimes it's some game playing, selfish loser who is just looking for a good time and a notch on the bedpost, but sometimes it's much more complicated. Sometimes the affair partner has their own low self esteem. Sometimes the AP finds him or herself falling in love with a married person and the married person chases them so they assume (or perhaps have even been lied to about) the fact that a marriage is falling apart or non existent.
Beleive me, I often want to just assume that any person who chases after a married person is just an immoral deviant, but it's rarely that simple.
She went as far as writing my husband love letters including things about what a great father he is and how she looked forward to having a large ready made family - and I quote - "without all the uterine strain". Yep. She wanted to not only steal my husband, but my children as well. She looked forward to providing him with even more beautiful children, too!! (Jokes on her. He had a vasectomy 12 years ago.)
So yeah. There are different types of affair partners.
Then I had this friend who I had a past with. Who, for whatever reason, as always made me feel loved and cherished. Take that and add alcohol and you've got a one night stand. 1.5 years later and I'm still so very ashamed of myself. and probably always will be. There are always slight differences to why us CS's cheat. But it seems that 90% of the time it's due to a lack of appropriate coping skills and lack of communication.
What you said though about after the fog lifts? Spot on. The damage done to ones self by having an A is enormous and add to that all the other damage done to others, especially the spouse and you have one very broken person who will have to work very very hard for a long long time to achieve proper healing.
Bottom line, it originates from a character weakness. Some people, as I've done, face such temptation and don't give into it. So there isn't a direct cause and effect from some means of ego stroking and cheating. And sometimes the source of the character weakness has little to do with the temptation itself, and more to do with their past history. Which is why counseling is important for the CS. They need someone trained to get to the bottom of what happened in their life to make them susceptible to chose a destructive path in dealing with whatever perceived needs and/or marital problems they faced.
In short, the outward circumstances of why they gave into temptation is more an outward symptom of a deeper character issue, that left unaddressed, will likely create a repeat performance should the same circumstances arise again.
People who cant logically put up boundaries to foresee major selfish choices by whom their actions can damage so much normally are making extremely poor choices all of their lives. There is a track record there and its fairly easy to follow.
AP normally have these following issues/flaws:
Major self esteem issues
Extremely poor self control
Extremely self centered
Loves to be ego stroked
Loves the short time thrills
Extremely poor judgment skills
Live for the moment
They like a challenge (this is mainly do because their normal thoughts are so out there that these short termed challenges takes them away from their other crazy thoughts)
They can put up a great front and foul others into thinking Im a good person Ive just had major bad luck.
Ok so to add to this and since I have been in my journey I have come across one of these guys who only dates married women what does this dudes past look like Well he is from Brazil born out of an affair a love child father was a mayor down there and his father was corrupt (father was the married one) slept with some young girl down there father was later hung along with 3 other guys for stealing lots of money in this small town. Now how does this affect young dude he now only seeks pleasure by destroying families and hitting on married women. Good times.
Is there short comings in AP? Of course. Is there short comings in the WS? Of course and as others have said most WS are very very bad at communication or expressing their needs and wants to their spouse so they find happiness through crazy town or happiness through sin. But in the end it is short lived and if the BS is strong enough and doesnt give the WS the audience to this crazy town and disengages then the WS is stunned as to what they have done/destroyed and is left holding nothing but pain and misery where there once was love and safety.
That is why it is so important to disengage from the WS activities because there will be a point that the BS sees past all the lies that they WS shots out to try and keep the BS feeling as if its their fault why things happened so that the WS can keep plan B in full effect.
I can only imagine the day the BS wakes up and sees for the first time without the fog the damage they have done to everyone and everything. These sorts of affair relationships normally implode on themselves because they are passed on lies and deceit where neither one can trust either one. Who would trust anyone that would cheat on their spouse and who would trust someone who would go after a married person. The odds on these relationships actually working out are 1 in 100. So if youre the BS just stay strong keep on eyes on the horizon and know that one day your WS will come knocking at your door tail behind their legs begging for you back at that time I would look at them and tell them I hope you get the help you need Im sorry but there is nothing I can do for you.
Your WS is like a kid and youre the parent (real nice relationship there) and they are trying to get away with destruction and looking at you like what are you going to do about it? Be strong and disengage that will piss them off and they will try more things and more things but as long as your strong enough and it does take coaching and major help cause this is no game this is your life and family but the WS is testing you and seeing what they can get away with let them do what they want sooner or later the karma bus will drive by and there is no stopping that bus. They must get on. That ride will not be a pleasant one and will drive them back and forth past all that they have done and they will be forced to see what they have done through a much cleaner lens now. That guilt can be very hard to swallow.
'most WS are very very bad at communication or expressing their needs and wants to their spouse so they find happiness through crazy town or happiness through sin'. I agree with this 1000%! My H will now tell me that he was telling me what he needed...BULLSHIT! I couldn't get him to open up for nothing, I finally concluded that he can't show emotions period.
'Your WS is like a kid and youre the parent (real nice relationship there) and they are trying to get away with destruction and looking at you like what are you going to do about it?' Yep, at least I dealt with the first part of this statement for 20+ years. When I finally approached him about feeling like he treated me as if I was his mom & tired of taking care of him like that....he simply couldn't understand how frustrating that had gotten to be. He doesn't know that I managed to hack a backup of his phone (texts & pics), and a huge argument between him & OW was her saying that she thought he wanted to be more independent from me....oh, that just made my day!!! He may not acknowledge to me that I did way too much for him, but at least he knows it!!
And your suggestion about after the affair implodes is a great one. I know that I will not taking mine back, no matter if he gets help or not. Through those same texts, he actually admitted to another woman from a long time ago. Now I know why I was always the one getting accused and not being trusted....he was scared of losing his comfort that I offered. I know that it will be hard for me to trust someone else like I did him, now I'm angry at myself for allowing someone to rob me of half of my life!!
Hugs to all