i understand the need to know all

but dna may have all types of unintended consequences,

are you prepared to divorce over the results, if you not then how could the test help you?

say all three are you kids, would you want them to know that you had them tested?

I don't know what is like to be in your shoes, i hoped for reconciliation, but i can see that reconciliation is full of challenges and pain,

Do you have "ok I know enough" defined? Can you wife ever deliver that? How does she prove it to you?

More importantly, if she has come clean is genuinely remorseful and sincerely is working on reconciliation, what more do you want?

There are absolutely big repercussions to DNA testing. Which is why I have not done it. On the other hand If your husband thought you were a liar and for a coupe of hundred bucks you could have some tests done and prove you were telling the truth why would you not? As to remorse yes she has it, as to working on the marriage yes she is. For me, I need honesty, I will not give my everything to a liar. I could care less if she had affairs with everyone ever knew I am over it, I could care less if I am a terrible person compared to so and so. I can even deal with the fact that a mistake was made and my children are possibly someone else's dna. I raised them and they are my boys. What I cannot deal with. The breaking point, the thing I will divorce over is not being able to trust that when my wife says this is it that it is it. A lie is a lie. I deserve the absolute truth from any question. If I cannot trust her to tell me the absolute truth then why would I trust my dying wishes, my investments, my health, our future plans to her. I am not the most normal person but I know how to tell the truth. I have tested her so many times and she fails. So if you out there can be with someone you suspect to be a liar and you have no problem moving on and forgetting about that let me know your point of view? Where I am at is all my instincts tell me she is lying. Do I force her into a lie detector test and confirm that. Am I crazy, very possibly. Lie detector tests are not foolproof I wish I trusted her. This is a job for couple therapy I know, we just cannot afford that right now especially at the pace she works at.

Don't feel sad for me. I am doing awesome I spend immense time with my children and my voyage of self discovery and improvement has never been better. I am more aware of the world around me than I have ever been. As for where I am after four years is exactly where I should be because I am me. Am I depressed no, am I angry no, do I love my wife yes, do I trust my wife no. Just because I do not believe and trust her does not indicate anything you need to feel sorry for me about. I saved my marriage, I destroyed the other mans life and plans, I still have my children everyday. I have choices to make because I had some luck and put everything I had into giving us time. Now, I am making decisions with a clear head about what I want and need. I do not need any ones sorrow I sought out peoples advice. But something tells me things have not worked out as well for you so I am sorry for that.

This is an easy question for me to ask because I don't have to answer it,

Is it that you can't trust her, or that you won't trust her?

I think that it is I won't trust her. I believe she has not told me everything. I believe that if I let my guard down I will be blindsided again by something. I could be totally wrong, I may just not be the type to let go of things, well I know I am that type to easily let go. I am probably just protecting myself. I know this, I could be told the worst thing possible happened by her tomorrow and I am now strong enough to work through it. I also know if some other truth she had not told me came out I do not think I could or would. If that makes sense, I only want the truth and every instinct I have says I am not getting it. Has anyone else felt this way?

I believe you need to know, but I don't believe a lie detector test is the answer. As you have said, they are not reliable; DNA however, is.

If you know, and it so happens that one or neither have unmatched paternal DNA, I'm certain that with your level of intelligence, you will have no problem loving the children all the same, once the turbulence settles.

Not knowing, will fester a wound so deep that no amount of self coercion will be able to accommodate you as the years hasten. Asking her is not producing any results, and by all accounts will never do so. You seemed to have healed sufficiently in the four years to know how to conduct yourself, and I trust that you will be able to do the same if the Paternity Index returned a negative result.

What is of paramount importance, is that you think long and hard to decide what you would do if the tests return with adverse results. Once you have done this in detail, you'll be in a better position to make that decision.

I also can't help but wonder what would happen if you were to tell your wife that you are making plans to go ahead with the testing and force her into a corner, so to speak. This might tell you all you need to know.

I wish you strength and perseverance.

I understand what you are saying. Let me put it this way. I would rather believe they are mine knowing the possibility that they are not, than know they are not mine. But because of my wifes evasiveness and anger whenever we visit this I am forced to wonder. Again I know I am somehow fixated on something that is not productive. I think I know the truth and just cannot admit it. And so I I don't move on. The entire twisted story and all the tests and all the things I have done would take too long to tell. Why am I stuck here, why cant I move on. Someone recently told me the more painful the truth the more true it is. Maybe this is why I am stuck, maybe I know but I just cannot accept. No offense to anyone but a woman could never know the pain of not knowing of your children are yours, if you are just a sucker and a paycheck and someone else has gotten to forward their dna into the world for you to take care of, It is the ultimate devastating rejection. To not know whether you are leaving anything of yourself on this planet to not know whether your family lines live on and to be afraid to find out is sheer horror. I know I do this to myself, I also know I may be wrong and it is all for nothing. Am I a sadist?

What it really comes down too is I beat my wife up about the things she told me at first. I did not want to believe what I knew because I could not accept them. So just about when I convinced myself that I was wrong she would admit something else. I would blow and yell and scream and behave like a child. I feel that she is in a place that she has gotten no reward for being truthful therefore I have managed to help to make her dishonest. I have not blown up or used anything against her for two years. But for her it is like just yesterday I called her a name or whatever. I have tried and tried to establish some trust. That's really where I am at, I still believe she is capable of the truth but she does not trust that I can handle it. The only thing I can think to do is give it more time. But I have a hard time moving on and letting myself be vulnerable to her again because of me knowing she is lying. She is lying to protect me and herself and the cycle continues. Has no one else experienced this?

thumbnail version of my situation: About 2 years ago, I discovered that my wife was having an affair. She left me for the scumbag and then, predictably, that relationship promptly ended. She has lived with her parents since then. We have kids - and they are very definitely mine. Now she wants to reconcile and... I'm just not so sure. We get along well enough.

You are struggling with two distinct, yet (I gather) interrelated, issues: (1) What is the truth about my wife's affair(s), and (2) Are my kids MINE?

Like you, I initially demanded to know "the TRUTH!" Like you, I told her "It no longer matters what actually happened, I just want to know the TRUTH about it!!!" I wanted dates, and times, and positions, and, and, and...

Like you apparently, my reaction was not productive.

But now I've come to a place where I have sort of narrowed my definition of "the truth." What more do I REALLY need to know beyond "She lied to me and had sex with another man numerous times."? Really, beyond that, everything else is just "Details."

To be sure, I believe that you are entitled to ask every question you want to ask, and to know everything you want to know. But I encourage you to focus on - and make peace with - the big picture: You know she's been unfaithful; she's admitted that transgression and is genuinely remorseful; you have committed to staying together. Everything else is just noise.

If you still find yourself obsessing, then it's time for you to seek pharmacological help.

I'm a man and so, like you, I can truly appreciate the pain you express in your comment #7. Thankfully, I don't have that issue, but your pain certainly resonates with me. Nobody but you can answer the question of whether to open Pandora's Box. But, frankly, you do seem pretty focused on knowing "The Truth." If you obsess over "not knowing," then my sense is that you will only find peace once you actually know. Well... That means doing some DNA testing. Sometimes just knowing the actual depth or extent of a problem is enough. "This, and only THIS, is what I have to get my head around." Personally? I couldn't live every day wondering. No way. I'd get the DNA test in a minute.

I appreciate the people with similar situations that reply. Something about working things out in your head and replying to statements and questions is just more productive than being in your own head all the time. I don't visit here often just when I am stuck and it seems to get me going again. As to details, I am over that. I know she did everything possible no need to drum that up. The only detail related things I need to talk with here about are the ones that make no sense or seem like an obvious lie. Its silly to think that people would half have sex or hold back for some reason. Especially when an affair is involved, the only reasons affairs occur is because of fantasy and attraction and of course they are going to go all out if you can't get your mind around that its going to be a problem. I am over that part, I know I am not the most special person in the world. It is major lies like I believe there are people she is not telling me about and times that she is not telling me about but mostly I believe she has been doing it since the beginning of our marriage and she says only near when I caught her. I do not believe she is doing it now or will do it again as long as we have communication. If she did it would not be nearly as bad for me. I have a photographic memory for anything that invokes emotion. So I remember every comment and detail. Unfortunately for me it does not allow me to let things go, it might be minutes days or months but things will pop in my head that are just out of place. I know she has not told me major things. The question is whether she is not capable of the truth which makes me not want to be with her. Or, can I build more trust with her that I will just listen and relate and understand instead of punishing her. The problem I have hear is its an instant wall as soon as ever go near this. Instant bitch and bitch for days. I helped create that defense mechanism so I cannot just throw my hands in the air and claim she won't work with me, I'm done. As to paternity, My kids look like me. She swears the affairs started after they were born. However, she has not been on birth control for years and she had no problem having unprotected sex with high risk people. So, If she did start earlier Its easily probable. I know myself. If I trusted her enough to believe her I would go out and get the test and it would be a huge relief. I can no longer have children this was my only chance it is important to me. I also know myself well enough to know that if I found out one was not mine, somehow someway I think at some point of anger or something I would treat him different. I wish I knew I would not but I know how things go. I would rather not know and believe they are mine. Its hard and too long of a story to explain why I feel she is lying but if she told me the truth if it is the truth and just said Yes I had an affair at the time the children were conceived. I would not ever get them tested. If I did not have such strong indications that she is lying and I believed that she was truthful in saying she did not I would have them tested along with genealogy mapping just as a nice proof of honesty and not have to worry. Crazy, sure, I am. talking about it the last couple of days and seeing other peoples stories again has convinced me I just need to try and establish some trust a few more months or years whatever. Things are fine if I cannot then we will separate but on good terms with good planning. The one thing we have done right no matter how much we have done wrong is that we have time and practicality on our side. We both know the grass is not greener and we both know that it is a financial nightmare and we both know it is not easy on the kids to separate. I am just very lucky that my wife came to her senses and gave us these years to work through this. I know many of you do not get that chance and that stinks. There should be a pill developed that would kill all endorphins related to the "love feeling" so that someone about to throw away everything for nothing could just get out of the fog for a minute and look at the facts.

My wife had a baby out of her affair. The affair was still going strong during the first few months of her pregnancy. She was still stuck in the fantasy world. She wanted her affair partner in the delivery room. The fantasy started not being such a fantasy as she got closer to her due date. I still don't know the whole story. Long story short, I was in the delivery room with my wife while she had her affair partner's baby. I love that baby, but because he knows the baby is his, and she held out hope that her fantasy world with him would return once the baby was born...everything is screwed up. I love the baby. I wish there was no proof that the baby isn't mine. I wish I could raise her as my own. We have two other kids together, and as far as they know, I'm baby sister's daddy, as well. I'm rambling, but my advice (you don't have to take it, but just my two cents) - leave the kids out of it. If you love them, that's all that matters. If she wants you to be their daddy, then that's huge. If you're still wanting to know all of the truth (she may not even know anymore) - If she's working with you, painful patience may be the best way to go. If you've hit a wall - I don't think it's completely outrageous to ask for a lie detector test, but I'd leave the DNA test alone.

This is a very tough issue. It seems that your relationship is going to take a long time for everyone to heal. Have you visited marriagebuilders.com or read the book 'Surviving an Affair' ??
I realize that it has been a number of years since this situation was brought to light but any and all assistance is probably helpful.

It seems as though (and I would want to know myself) you need to know the truth about the entire situation. I have learned that blowing up at finding out the truth when my CS has lied about something is not helpful also. Its very difficult to keep your cool in those situations.

I would find it hard myself to build any trust in the relationship if I had unanswered questions or did not feel that my CS could not be trusted either.
If you have the DNA test done without you CS knowing you had it done and you find out you are not the father of 1 of the children then what?? Are you going to confront her...I could not imagine the off the charts anger you would feel but you still should be "controlled" in your anger so as to not make things worse. Hopefully the DNA test proves that you are the father.