Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So I found out about 3 weeks ago my wife had an affair. We have a 2 year old daughter together. We are currently separated. We have been married 6 months, and together for 5 years. She has told me she is sorry multiple times. We gave up our party days when we had our daughter. Until about 2 months ago, she was going out regularly, every weekend. I stayed home with our girl. I may have not been the best husband as In I believe I wasn't as motivated and giving her compliments like I should have, taking her on dates etc.I shouldn't blame myself but I do. We went to see a counselor together, after that I started working out motivating her to again. (This is how we met). Things were going better but she kept wanting to go out. She had a gambling problem in the past. She used to be a dealer. When I found out, I wasn't shocked. As from snap chats from random guy, as someone she would never go for. Now have no self esteem or ego. She said she started to find her faith again and going to confession and reading. After affair rebuilding trust books, etc. Told me that she tells people that if we don't work it out with us she won't ever try to find anyone, as I'm truly thr perfect person for her. I'm seeing a therapist just started. I've been giving her short responses and being civil for our daughter sake. Should I though? She destroyed not only our child's future but ours. I got a promotion for a very good job, relocating to Dallas one I don't think I'll ever get again. We planned an talked about thr future and it looked so bright. All of our family is here so it would be tough, but would be set for life. I may have been too focused on my job to miss thr signs idk. Been with the company since June 2016 and already have done well to get offered a BDM position. I have been finding my faith again and realize money isn't everything, so did I press to hard work to hard. She didn't have to pay bills she just had to go to school. Now she says she wants to work things out, but I live in a small town and know so many people, who I get messages from telling me she's out drinking, I've confronted her told her she needs to change, and if she can't do it for our daughter. She will tell me she misses me and what not. I don't think she has come to terms with what she has done, as she drinks to not have to think about it. When I drop our daughter off or she picks her up she screams bloody murder asking for me to come home. So my wife gets emotional and I think it hits her, she has bipolar depression and now is properly medicated. So do I listen when she needs to talk or do I keep giving her short answers like " k..or cool" I love her to death and I've been sunk to the bottom and am so confused. She is willing to go to my therapist one on one and she is willing to go together after a few sessions. She's always used therapy from her depression. Do I keep trying to find a foundation and demo old and start over. Or do I try to let go? I try not to think what she does when she isn't with our daughter but it's so hard. What do I do?
Something you may want to explore with your therapist is why you would get pleasure from seeing her in pain, and why you didn't include her in the Easter egg hunt, inflicting further pain. What you may not realize is that by inflicting pain on your wife, you're also hurting your daughter at the same time. Children are like sponges and remember things forever, including your actions towards their mother, CS or not, it's her mother. You need to accept that you can't change people, nor can you get back at them for what they did, as a viable way to reconcile; it doesn't work that way.
Separating after infidelity is not recommended when the repentant CS wants to reconcile. A disloyal spouse needs to know that their betrayed spouse believes in them, and is willing to stick it out, with them, and forgive them at some point. Staying together and working together is what will pull you through a reconciliation. Abandonment is the last resort when attempting to reconcile a relationship. You're asking about your responses towards her attempts to get back on your good side with, "Kool, Okay', etc. I can tell you that it's disrespectful, uncaring, and in line with someone who has abandoned you. You are pushing her away, and expecting her to change, before you approve of her, and that's a tall order, and potentially an unrealistic one.
If you want to reconcile your marriage, continue with your weekly therapy sessions. Discuss you and your feelings, and how they've been affected by her actions. Don't delve into why she did what she did, or what you can do to fix her, that's for her and her therapist, not you and yours. She needs to work on herself, and you need to work on yourself, to release your anger and disappointment. Hurt people, hurt people, and that's what you seem to be doing. Getting past the need to hurt those who have hurt you can take years and sometimes decades of self-analysis to change. If you love her like you say you do, I don't think you'd be hurting her, so there is something to think about. Anger is a secondary emotion, and discovering the primary emotion behind it that leads you to anger, can be most helpful.
Wishing you well.
I don't see anything wrong with you giving her short answers right now either, or not inviting her to the Easter egg hunt. You've been devastated and traumatized. And you're hurt and angry. Of course you're hurt and angry! Who wouldn't be? Don't let anyone tell you that you suffer from some sort of pathology because you're hurt and angry that your wife cheated on you. And her getting upset at you not inviting her to the egg hunt just smacks of childish to me. That's a Big Baby move in my opinion. She's going to pout that she didn't get invited? Oh, please. That's called consequences.
If she wants you back then she has to work on HERSELF. And it sounds like she needs treatment for alcohol abuse on top of everything else. But that's her problem to fix, not yours. If she really wants to fix herself then she has to start working on that immediately. Today.
It's been rough time, it's been a bit since I've been on here. We're still living separately. We have taken some positive steps. A little at a time, she has recently stopped getting drunk, and let's me know where she's at, and what's she is doing. We have minor set backs, but we conquer each one day at a time. Something that has really helped is a boom were both reading. (Healing from infidelity- by Michele weiner-Davis) very positive outline and it's helping. We're both in individual counseling, down the road we will seek couples.
Take strides