Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
OK... I just replied to the post about "did anyone tell their family" and wanted to add to it a bit. Yes, when I found out about the affair, I did tell people. I was in a state of complete shock. I was at work when I got the phone call from OW's Husband. My boss was right at my desk when I answered the phone. I had to leave work because I just couldn't deal with it.
I told my 2 best friends right away. Then I called my dad and told him. Everyone has been so amazingly supportive. My dad said a prayer for me and my H when we were talking about it. I know they keep praying about it daily (though I haven't seen their prayers answered yet - maybe God doesn't intend to?). I told my sister in law a few weeks later, who apologized profusely for him and said that she and her sisters are the only ones who know how my H REALLY is -- she says that the person all of his friends see is just a facade (which I do agree with). She also made the comment that he exhibits the classic cycle of an abuser. I never thought of it that way, but I can see it now. My SIL told her parents, who just sobbed on the phone.
Flash forward to yesterday. We went to a party at one of my best friend's house, who my H doesn't like because in anger I told him that my friends can all see that he doesn't treat me well and I didn't have to say anything about him for them to know it. I'm wishing I had never said that, but I can never take it back. So, we were driving home last night and something triggered him. He started saying all this stuff about how my friends talk all this crap about him and what not. Then he asked me point blank, "Did you tell your friends about the stuff with me and ___?" I didn't even have to say anything because he knew the truth.
He went ballistic! He said that now he can never be around them again, and they are never welcome at our house. We are not going to their Halloween party. He said I could go, but I can't take our son. Then, he asked if I told my parents. We had tickets booked to go visit in November for a wedding. He is refusing to go to that, and even went so far to purchase a plane ticket to go elsewhere (which conveniently happens to be where OW lives!!!). This is after we agreed not to take any trips separately until we've worked out what is between us. Anyway, he says that he will never speak to my family again, and will not go around them. If they come visit, he will leave, but he doesn't even want them in his home.
I've been in pure Hell. He's making this all my fault and is making me feel like pure $h!t. I think it's all him not wanting to deal with his insecurity and shame. Hell -- he hasn't even talked about it with his therapist! And I found out in MARCH about the A! I'm at a total loss. Does anyone have anything to offer? I need lots of support.
I told my 2 best friends right away. Then I called my dad and told him. Everyone has been so amazingly supportive. My dad said a prayer for me and my H when we were talking about it. I know they keep praying about it daily (though I haven't seen their prayers answered yet - maybe God doesn't intend to?). I told my sister in law a few weeks later, who apologized profusely for him and said that she and her sisters are the only ones who know how my H REALLY is -- she says that the person all of his friends see is just a facade (which I do agree with). She also made the comment that he exhibits the classic cycle of an abuser. I never thought of it that way, but I can see it now. My SIL told her parents, who just sobbed on the phone.
Flash forward to yesterday. We went to a party at one of my best friend's house, who my H doesn't like because in anger I told him that my friends can all see that he doesn't treat me well and I didn't have to say anything about him for them to know it. I'm wishing I had never said that, but I can never take it back. So, we were driving home last night and something triggered him. He started saying all this stuff about how my friends talk all this crap about him and what not. Then he asked me point blank, "Did you tell your friends about the stuff with me and ___?" I didn't even have to say anything because he knew the truth.
He went ballistic! He said that now he can never be around them again, and they are never welcome at our house. We are not going to their Halloween party. He said I could go, but I can't take our son. Then, he asked if I told my parents. We had tickets booked to go visit in November for a wedding. He is refusing to go to that, and even went so far to purchase a plane ticket to go elsewhere (which conveniently happens to be where OW lives!!!). This is after we agreed not to take any trips separately until we've worked out what is between us. Anyway, he says that he will never speak to my family again, and will not go around them. If they come visit, he will leave, but he doesn't even want them in his home.
I've been in pure Hell. He's making this all my fault and is making me feel like pure $h!t. I think it's all him not wanting to deal with his insecurity and shame. Hell -- he hasn't even talked about it with his therapist! And I found out in MARCH about the A! I'm at a total loss. Does anyone have anything to offer? I need lots of support.
Last week after I found out about H's affair, I MADE him call his Mom in front of me and tell her about the affair. Do you know what my mother in law said?? Why are you telling me this? I do not want to know or hear anything bad about you and your father feels the same way. Nice enabling right???
Everyone in his family and mine know, although my Mom is in Sloane Kettering because her Lung Cancer has gone to her brain so I cleaned it up a bit. She's one of my best friends but I didn't want her to stroke out in shock.
No one in either one of our families has ever been divorced, and as far as we know, no affairs. If he lies again, we will be the first. Tuesday he meets with our marriage counselor alone and then we go together on Thursday.
We had a nice weekend away, although I could not escape my anger and pain. But we are making some progress, except at night. I tend to go a little nuts with all my thoughts and let him have it. Then I go to sleep and he stays up most of the night tossing and turning. He completely deserves it, but he is looking a little haggard. LOL
I am nervous because he goes back to work tomorrow after taking the last week off to be with me. It's like returning to the scene of the crime since his affair was with a coworker. She had knee surgery and will be out a few more weeks, but I know she will try to call him on his work phone. If he doesn't tell me, it is over.
It would rip my heart out, but he will have given me no choice. I truly hope he tells me the truth, but I cannot make that choice for him.
I haven't really told a lot of my friends yet because they will tell me to kick him to the curb. Maybe I should, but I have to give us a chance. Maybe I'll be able to forgive, maybe not. But it's worth a fight.
I am hanging in there.
If your H is embarrassed and ashamed around your family and friends because of what HE did he has no one to blame but himself. Maybe he should call your family members and friends individually and apologize to each of them for his behavior and hurting you. That will score him points and maybe he will feel better about manning up a little instead of expecting you to cover for him.
I have heard that in AA one of the steps is to call all of the people that you feel you have wronged as a result of your alcohol abuse and tell them how you have hurt them and apologize. This is more for the alcoholic than the person they apologize to.
Your H should adopt this behavior and make things right with everyone. They will respect and admire him much more for doing so.
It sounds like to reason with him you will have to stoop to the level of speaking to a child.
As you would explain to a five year old, his actions have consequences and if he does something wrong he will have to suffer the consequences of his actions.
If his thought is to brush this under the rug and move on with you than it will never work. The ugly thing about getting through this is the dirt has to be stirred up and swept out.
He's having a pity party for the shame and embarrassment HE brought on himself. It's not your shame so don't fall for this.
does the OW have a husband? I would call him and tell him about it too...
The truth will set you free..
He is saying that I brought all this ON MYSELF!