I too thought I could survive the infidelity, and finally got to the point of what I thought was forgiveness. We are all human and we make mistakes. What I finally realized is that I had reached a point of acceptance and could move forward with a man I thought I loved deeply. I am very naive and felt we had dodged the bullet after d-day in 2007. However, after second d-day a few weeks ago, I realized that my staying in the marriage would end badly. You obviously have to do what is right for your heart. My heart, believe it or not, told me after the second time that I could still love my husband. It was really when I had a dream about being in bed making love w/ my husband and the next frame showed him with his back to me and the other woman on top, both of them mouthing the words "ILY." It was then that I realized this was actually a picture of what my marriage had become (no-she was never in my bed with me, but still a part of my marriage). I woke up and that dream resonated with me all day. Even today it is so vivid. Also, having this "nothing woman" taking up space in my head, EVERY SINGLE DAY since 2007 was becoming too cumbersome for me. I didn't invite her in, but there she was. I am now at a point where I can see what I can and cannot live with. I have chosen to move on. I do wish you so much luck on this roller coaster of emotions.

I have been married for 30 years now. I too, is having that second thought, I think its more like realizing and accepting the fact that we will never be the same. I have not only forgiven him but I forgave myself for being in such pain for so long. Once I came out of the all those different emotions, I became very strong emotionally and grew so much as a person.

I am still with him but contemplating at times that I need move on my life without him. We do get along just fine and enjoy each others company. However, the scar is there and it will always be there.

I know this is not what you are looking for in your effort. But the residue of those feelings keeps popping up for a long time.

I wish you nothing but the best!

Was here any part of you that stayed in the marriage BESIDES your daughter finishing high school? I would assume you're still in love with your CS....

staying in marriages to make other people happy doesn't always seem to work. I hope that by making this decision, LOVE was a part of it for you.

Thanks, yes Love was certainly a part of it. I also somewhat blamed myself which is ridiculous... Thanks to all for the replies. I was hoping for some sucsess stories to get my head right. I just feel as if I have half of my life left and I would rather live it with someone that shared my same values. My wife once did and I am not certain she can go back to being that person again. I also have seen many more people go through this since dday and those relationships split apart. On the other hand I notice many folks that have not gone through this seem far more miserable... my wife and I do get along and enjoy each others company, I am just a freaking wreck now all of a sudden and unsure why.

I'm coming up on three years and I still have my doubts about staying. What you are describing, however, seems like you'd better be checking up on her activity. I don't want to cause you to panic, but if a girlfriend was describing her situation like you are, I'd be calling it a woman's intuition in overdrive.

What are you both doing to keep your marriage healthy and happy? Has she stopped making as much effort? Are there any external happenings in your lives that are stressing you out lately?

Sorry you are feeling this way at this time....it sucks.

Whatever you ultimately decide....I wish you the very best.

wow, in the same boat as you. Married 15 years, 3 years past dday, my son is finishing his freshman year, I too stayed not to turn my children's lives upside down and still very much in love with my wife. Struggling with this everyday but I have no success story to share as I have been planning the end of my marriage for a while now and just waiting for my son to get his license so he can drive. In a way I feel horrible about ending things or just feeling kind of sneaky about it in that I am holding my plans inside but feel I owe her nothing for what she has done.

My question back to you is has your wife done everything to try to make your marriage better and give you what you needed to get past her affair or did she lie and try to blame you for her infidelity? I only wish my wife would have been honest with me and to this day she can not and that has been my reason for planning to divorce her because she can not ever admit what she has done or with how many. I had to get proof for her to admit the 2 affairs I know of but still have a harsh reality or feeling that there was more and only a matter of time before she does it again. I can't live like this and must move on so we can both find closure to this. I blame myself for not being able to let this go but that blame ends there and I regret staying in this marriage with a wife who thinks I don' deserve the truth.

I consider my rebuild a success but it was not a walk in the park to get here. My H had a 3 year A that ended when ow for pregnant. He spent those 3 years and the next 7 years concealing it all. I suspected cheating and he denied all of those years. Our marriage deteriorated and I asked for a separation. It was the separation that Woke his ass up. He admitted everything and begged for a chance.


It was over a year of separatIon marriage counseling set backs and hard work before I felt we were truly going to make it.

We are now 4 years post dday and have a great marriage not perfect and I would never expect perfect but we do have everything I wanted before. I've forgiven he's changed I've changed. Of course there are occasionally triggers but they don't set us back the way they used to.

If my H wasn't doing everything He needed to during those real tough times and even now, I'm not sure I would have stayed.

I'm still surviving (hanging on) not because of kids or money probs.. one thing I have gotten out of infidelity i can survive without my husband... My cs has done everything to help me forgive and understand his actions he done to our 23 year marriage .He spilled everything he had done not only this one but others.. I have every accounts linked to me...emails,texts,phone calls..My cs even told her (ow )what he said in our marriage counsoling. He felt that if I had to sit there and hear his feelings about his infidelity she need to hear it to..He went told her that the four months with her was a game to him..that he made a big mistake..what him and her were doing was not right both party's(she is married too ) t my husband wasn't first one or more likely not last one which eats me up. Yes i know he is at fault for his infidelity but women like her sweeps in for men like my husband..Before she stepped in he was already fighting he just turn almost one and half years not drinking...which was a big change in our lives...He had lost his driving,job,his self worth ...Yes I'm have a small fault in this too...I didn't know how to help him during this time.'
so on to now with us...I have a man (husband) now that I have always wanted. That i fought for these 23 years..But I ask myself is it to late or can I live with how it has change me..I love my husband but its not that same kinda love I had for him before all of this.. I lost the trust in him to be there for us.. I trust him with staying faithfully to me sexally but i lost the trust of marraige and people all togather..I hate that he took that away from me...When I found that text maasege and ask him about it he told me then you knew by the way i acted that I was no longer going to fought for his love... he knows how easy it could be for me to find someone new to love me ..Which make me think of what some women would have done in my shoes at this time.. Go found them someone new but I do have a small part of the old me still there I WILL NOT LET HIM OR THE OW TURN ME INTO A PERSON LIKE THEM. I'm so sorry long you hit a point that I;m frighting with too

DDay for me was Aug. 2001, 13 years ago. My H had moved to U.K. for a year and my two kids and I joined him a week before DDay. We were also moving there. He was allowed to fly home every few weeks (if he wanted to) but didn't. I knew he betrayed me when his whore, who worked for him, had the nerve to have us (even my kids!!) for dinner a week after we got there. I knew within minutes of being there. She served him dinner, he served my kids because he knew where everything in her kitchen was and I was given nothing. He was a prick for the next 6 months I was there. If my son hadn't needed 3 surgeries on his eyes I would have left him right then and there, but I was stuck. The horribly sad and cruel thing is that he has and won't ever admit that he did anything wrong except "need a friend". My gut is NEVER wrong. He left that job then we moved back to Canada and I thought we actually got through it but a few months ago he made a comment about a coworker having an affair and I went off the deep end. I went into a depression and lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I can't stop thinking about it and the horrible thing is that he still won't admit it and its too late for me to prove anything. I feel like I have PTSD. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but if your spouse tells the truth, I think you should be able to move on. It's the only thing holding me back. Good luck.

I'm nearing 3 years post dday (May 11), and feel to date our rebuilding has been successful. So much so, we both wrote a book about our experience that came out last year, "Healing Infidelity: How to Build a Vibrant Marriage After an Affair".

http://www.healinginfidelity.com/index.php?currdir=&currfile=Our+Book.html

I believe a large part of my healing is how earnestly my W worked on herself and proved to me I could trust her again. We've both made some major changes to improve our marriage. While there will always be a scar from the A, there are losses we can't get back, in many ways our marriage is better than any other time since our wedding in May of 1982. Next month we'll be celebrating our 32nd anniversary.