Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've known a lot of folks on this site over the last year and a half. Most have gone their own way and moved on to other things. A good portion of them stop coming by because it's too much of a trigger reading the fresh pain of those newly initiated to the "club" and they feel it's detrimental to their healing and recovery.
For me, I still have healing to do, so it helps to peek in and ask for advice or read what others are going through. When coming here starts to leave me sensitive or raw, I tend to dance away for awhile and then just come back when I have something to share or questions to ask.
Here's my problem, though. What happens when it's your REAL LIFE friend(s) dealing with infidelity? I can just NOT come to this site EVER again and no one would even notice, miss me, or question my disappearance. It's just the nature of this type of support site, right? How does one back off from one's friends when trying to support them becomes too "triggery"?
I'm at the point now where I feel this urge to back off from two of my friends who are going through some pretty uncomfortable infidelity/marriage issues because it's causing me to pull away from my OWN husband - not because he's messing up, but because it's a reminder of the ways he messed up before. It's really hard to constantly remind myself that this is NOW and that was THEN.
It's also hard watching friends take ineffectual steps toward recovery and just sitting on my hands biting my tongue because it's NOT my place to say, "Oh. Hey... that's not gonna work..." Less than two weeks after my friend found out her husband was having an alleged "texting" affair with someone, she merrily sent him away for the weekend to go hunting. When I questioned her decision, I was FIRMLY told to butt out and that she knew what she was doing. Guess what her huz was doing that weekend? Yep. Other woman.
I want to be there for my friends. I didn't have a lot of support after finding out about my husband's affair. The friends I thought I had distanced themselves from me for various reasons and I don't want to do that to my friends. But I also don't want to sacrifice the progress my husband and I have made trying to be that support.
Advice? Suggestions?
For me, I still have healing to do, so it helps to peek in and ask for advice or read what others are going through. When coming here starts to leave me sensitive or raw, I tend to dance away for awhile and then just come back when I have something to share or questions to ask.
Here's my problem, though. What happens when it's your REAL LIFE friend(s) dealing with infidelity? I can just NOT come to this site EVER again and no one would even notice, miss me, or question my disappearance. It's just the nature of this type of support site, right? How does one back off from one's friends when trying to support them becomes too "triggery"?
I'm at the point now where I feel this urge to back off from two of my friends who are going through some pretty uncomfortable infidelity/marriage issues because it's causing me to pull away from my OWN husband - not because he's messing up, but because it's a reminder of the ways he messed up before. It's really hard to constantly remind myself that this is NOW and that was THEN.
It's also hard watching friends take ineffectual steps toward recovery and just sitting on my hands biting my tongue because it's NOT my place to say, "Oh. Hey... that's not gonna work..." Less than two weeks after my friend found out her husband was having an alleged "texting" affair with someone, she merrily sent him away for the weekend to go hunting. When I questioned her decision, I was FIRMLY told to butt out and that she knew what she was doing. Guess what her huz was doing that weekend? Yep. Other woman.
I want to be there for my friends. I didn't have a lot of support after finding out about my husband's affair. The friends I thought I had distanced themselves from me for various reasons and I don't want to do that to my friends. But I also don't want to sacrifice the progress my husband and I have made trying to be that support.
Advice? Suggestions?
Imagine its 1982 no internet, no support and counseling was totally drug controlled.
Want to talk about suffering is silence.
Its not easy, but being a good friend can be more healing than anything. Yes it will hurt a bit again, and hurt watching them go through it, but if you are there for them, their rock, it is healing for both.
I also would expect your friends to be more considerate towards you, to pay attention to what is causing you pain.
You can set the boundaries with your friends - tell them that you do want to be there for them, but you are asking them to be considerate of your feelings as well. Warn them that there will be certain situations you will not to engage in since they cause you too much pain. If they are your true friends they will understand.
Good luck.
You're right, Jay. You've reminded me about a good lesson I learned in IC about how setting boundaries doesn't make us bad people and doesn't mean we are rejecting those with whom we set boundaries.
I've also made efforts to draw closer to my husband again. Sometimes just being physically close reminds me of how far we've come and how lucky we are.