Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I feel like such a fool - we have such a history, he's had 2 infidelities, which I forgave, and we moved on. then we discovered by way of his breaking the law, that he has mental health issues, with brain injury, internet & texting. we got him help, lots of doctors, and we moved on. I love our life together, our home, the things we can achieve together, we have things and a home, and a life that without him i'd never have. so I made compromises in what I thought were deal breakers.
and now here we are again, and I have more trust issues, and we don't have a sexlife (I have menopause issues - and I think i don't want him because he gave it away to just anyone - cheapening it), and so now he's searching sites again, and I don't trust him. but I owe him a lovelife. he's unhappy, he can't live without sex. I can.
is our home the only thing holding us together? I don't want to live without him, but is that of convenience? i'm not sure.
i'm sure stronger women would divorce, we're not really married actually, but i'm comfortable here, and don't want to throw away all we have. but then i ask what do we have? and i'm not sure. does anyone else have similar circumstances, and stay together for lack of something better to do?
and now here we are again, and I have more trust issues, and we don't have a sexlife (I have menopause issues - and I think i don't want him because he gave it away to just anyone - cheapening it), and so now he's searching sites again, and I don't trust him. but I owe him a lovelife. he's unhappy, he can't live without sex. I can.
is our home the only thing holding us together? I don't want to live without him, but is that of convenience? i'm not sure.
i'm sure stronger women would divorce, we're not really married actually, but i'm comfortable here, and don't want to throw away all we have. but then i ask what do we have? and i'm not sure. does anyone else have similar circumstances, and stay together for lack of something better to do?
http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5013_qa.html
As for your issues with your partner, get him to talk to a therapist.
You should go, too, so the T can meet you. You have been through a lot already, you are still together. You need to learn the skills to continue to keep this together.
You seem to be saying you are not willing to meet his needs and that's why he's cheating. There is an easy fix for that.
Please don't let him use the excuse of needing to get sex to stay happy, because it doesn't wash, there are plenty of other things in the world to do to occupy his time, other than sex. He has a hand, he can pleasure himself with porn, and there are plenty of naked lady sites where all you do is look. But do not allow him to go on meet-up sites, craigslist or the likes. He must resist temptation, too bad if he's unhappy, you're not his mommy.
If he can't do that, he's not willing or ready to be faithful to you. With time, you may want to engage again, but there should be no pressure for you to do so until you feel ready. It's all about the attitude; he's been a very bad boy, and this is what's on the plate, he can take it or leave it.
I wish you well.
Strikes me that the reason you don't want sex, is the same reason you don't want to be with him anymore - and you're just staying there for all the wrong reasons.
Set both of you free to live lives that meet your needs - rather than limiting each other. You both deserve better than what you've got right now.
You both have choices. You could leave because he cheated or looked at porn. He could leave because you don't want to have sex. You could both have suggested counseling or sex therapy or visiting a doctor together or any number of other things. No one is forced to cheat - it is a choice.
I chose to stay and work on our marriage after my husband cheated. Well. No. Initially, I just chose to stay and hope it didn't happen again and I was miserable. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the ONLY worthwhile reason to stay was if we could build a marriage we both could embrace and rejoice in.
For what it's worth - we have - but it has been a long, painful road. We have both had to make huge changes. And that's the key. When betrayed spouses come here crying, "I just want things back the way they were!!" I want to slap them upside the head with a reality stick. Clearly, whatever was happening before left a door open for infidelity, so why would anyone want that back?!
So. To address your issues: do you want a marriage with your husband? Does he want one with you? Do your visions of what a marriage looks like match? Are you (both!) willing to put forth the time and energy, hard work and sacrifice necessary to make that vision a reality? If not, move on.
Infidelity is absolutely a perfectly acceptable reason to get out of a relationship and move on. Whatever material possessions and wealth you have acquired can be replaced, but the time you waste in misery wishing for something else can not. If either one of you is not 100% on board with this relationship, move on - or get 100% on board and do whatcha gotta do to make your marriage the best it can be.
Trust me: there is no half ass in marriage that'll make it worthwhile. You get what you invest.
I have made it clear to my w that I have no desire for her sexually any more due to her infidelities and other issues that she brings into the relationship, and we have found a lot stronger relationship as a result, there is no pressure about how we are not a sexual match. it is about the time, the value and the communication.