Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello!
Six weeks ago, I caught my husband of 15 years (20 years together total) having an affair with our au pair! He's 50 and she's 21. Aside from the hurt and betrayal I felt from both of them (the au pair was with us 2 years and was like a daughter to me), I am struggling with self-esteem and self-worth, knowing logically that I DESERVE better, but emotionally it's not all there yet (I had an abusive childhood which isn't helping). One of the reasons he claimed he had the affair was because I wasn't emotionally supportive enough of him.
The problem I'm facing now is he is still ambivalent/uncertain as to if he wants to stay with me or not. Instead of begging my forgiveness for his transgressions, he's wishy washy about everything, still grieving her loss, sometimes suicidal, crying all the time, etc.
So part of me wants to do the 180 because, dammit, I'm a good catch and he should feel lucky to have me (but he doesn't; and furthermore, he feeds my low self-esteem by saying things like "I am the only one who would tolerate you" ugh). So I know I need to do my own thing and grow stronger and more self-assured and be someone he would want to be with and all that.
But then he's crying all the time and suicidal at times and so depressed, and then I feel like I should be the supportive wife, or be supportive because he says I wasn't before, or both, and that seems to be in direct conflict with The 180. And I don't know how to navigate this at all.
Suggestions???
Thanks!
Seeking_Serenity
Six weeks ago, I caught my husband of 15 years (20 years together total) having an affair with our au pair! He's 50 and she's 21. Aside from the hurt and betrayal I felt from both of them (the au pair was with us 2 years and was like a daughter to me), I am struggling with self-esteem and self-worth, knowing logically that I DESERVE better, but emotionally it's not all there yet (I had an abusive childhood which isn't helping). One of the reasons he claimed he had the affair was because I wasn't emotionally supportive enough of him.
The problem I'm facing now is he is still ambivalent/uncertain as to if he wants to stay with me or not. Instead of begging my forgiveness for his transgressions, he's wishy washy about everything, still grieving her loss, sometimes suicidal, crying all the time, etc.
So part of me wants to do the 180 because, dammit, I'm a good catch and he should feel lucky to have me (but he doesn't; and furthermore, he feeds my low self-esteem by saying things like "I am the only one who would tolerate you" ugh). So I know I need to do my own thing and grow stronger and more self-assured and be someone he would want to be with and all that.
But then he's crying all the time and suicidal at times and so depressed, and then I feel like I should be the supportive wife, or be supportive because he says I wasn't before, or both, and that seems to be in direct conflict with The 180. And I don't know how to navigate this at all.
Suggestions???
Thanks!
Seeking_Serenity
Good luck, keep us updated.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.
Sometimes it's okay to take care of you
Whether you do the 180 or some variation, stepping out of managing this is what will save your sanity. You did not cause this, in any way. What I personally found was that marital therapy almost killed me, as I had no part of what happened and marital therapy is for marriages...who has one on DDay??
He broke this with his lack of character and unethical behavior. You can't fix that. You can only throw the ball into the court it belongs in....HIS. Any claim he states about YOUR involvement in this is FALSE. He is trying to justify his total lack of character and him making a choice for you, without your knowledge or consent.
No one in any marriage has 100% satisfaction 100% of the time, even you, but you did not cheat, did you? No, you have character and walk through life with some sense of ethical behavior....he does not.
His suicidal crying is dramarama. No one can stop anyone from doing what they want to do, no matter how "supportive" you are, if he wants out of life, he will do it....on his own...just like he had the affair.
You don't need to be someone he wants to be with, you need to be you...an authentic you...a non codependent you, a strong you, a you with goals, and someone who does not accept unethical people in their lives.
What saved me from the reconciliation industry trying to kill me, was infidelityhelpgroup.com where I read articles that made a lot of sense to me. I am much stronger now....10 months from DDay, and much happier. My husband made a decision to change...made his OWN IC appointments and I sit back and observe....a happy woman in my OWN life.
He will grieve the loss of the au-pair, and he will become depressed and feel suicidal, as you've said, and there is little you can do about this. If he is saying he's suicidal if you leave him, this is totally different, as it would be the highest form of emotional blackmail.
I'm not sure that giving him the kind of support that only a caring wife can, is what he is asking for, or needs. What type of support is he asking for, if he is unsure and ambivalent of how he wants to proceed? He's gaslighting you with that "no emotional support" thing. It's at the top of the list of gaslighting mind trips used by cheating spouses to shift the blame onto you, it has no grounds. This is all on him, you are not responsible for any of it.
Attempting to help a CS out of their mess, and putting their grief before yours, can diminish your self esteem. You're tending to his wounds, while yours continue to bleed out, leaving you in a weakened and precarious state to administer any first aid to yourself.
Having an affair with your au pair, speaks volumes about the irreverence, and insolence required to carry this out. I would be very careful about how much of yourself you are willing to hand over to someone who didn't consider you in the least.
Lastly, I understand your trigger about your bf in highschool. What he did back then, the problems and emotional state that caused him to take his life, were not created by you. You are not responsible for that in any way. It's purely happenstance. He would have likely met his death at some point in his young life, because of his depression, and not because of you.
I wish you solace and temperance. We are all here for you.