Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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MikeM101013 05/02/2020

I have posted my situation before and got some great advice, I need a little bit more on how to try and mend things with my wife. For context, I was sexually abused as a child which turned into a sexual addiction as an adult. Over the past three years I stress, anxiety, and overtaking prescription drugs has caused me to act out a lot. I ended up sleeping around with women at work and prostitutes. in March I was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. At that point my old life ended, and my new life began. My wife filed for divorce and took our kids, now I can only see them with supervision, and I can't go to my house.

Over the last 6 weeks I have going to therapy twice a week and attending Sexual Anonymous meetings once a week. My wife and I are talking, but she does not want to discuss anything but the kids and finances. Anytime I try to talk about the situation or tell her how much I miss her, she just says "ok" Tonight I asked her if she even missed me or loved me, she told me to stop asking about it. I know I screwed up and I am committed to get better, but I don't know how I should try to interact with her. I know she is hurt and embarrassed, but we have been together for 27 years. I have realized now just how much I love her and need her. Are we done, is there any hope? I am having a hard time accept that we can't fix it. Maybe I am just being stupid and self-centered but I can't believe she can just turn a switch off and stop loving me.

GirlinCalif 05/02/2020

I know you are wanting to make things back to normal as fast as possible, but I think your wife is going to need some more time. Was the arrest in March the first time she found out you were cheating? She may be in shock still.

MikeM101013 05/02/2020

She might have suspected it but March was the first time her and others really found out about it

GirlinCalif 05/03/2020

It's frustrating for you, and I know you want things to go back to normal or at least get better with you and her, as soon as possible. But, it's only been less than 2 months, and I think she needs some time to figure things out.

In the meanwhile, keep going to therapy and SA and show her actions that you have been taking to better yourself. Women especially, prefer actions to words.

Do you think that she thinks you have changed your ways? She knows you have not been with anyone else since March?

MikeM101013 05/03/2020

Thank you, I am trying to show her that I can be a better person. But she is very focused on her life without me, so it has been frustrating. But this is frustration I have caused I am not sure if she knows that I have not been with anyone since March, I assume she has.

Glad2Help 05/04/2020

I feel really bad for all these crashing down on you, Mike. Here are some opinions, hoping they might help. It is too soon and all the embarrassment and discovery of your sexual activities is too hard to take for anyone, especially since the revelation came after an arrest. The first thing I can suggest is do not blame your childhood, you can live above that and “erase” that from your history. The therapy can help with this. The second thing is accept your new life for the moment and that your wife may never come back. Instead of yearning for getting the old life back, focus on your transformation. You do not need to show her that you have changed, you have not, even if you consciously want to and will it. It will not impress her. However, you can show her that you are getting a lot of help. And you need a lot of help. You need to tear down the old you and rebuild a new person. You can start by getting this book which I have recommended here so many times. It is called “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn. It will open your eyes and help you get started. Read it first, then go to their website called New Life Live. Google it. They have a radio program and you can call in and ask specific questions. When you have become a new person, it will show and you might end up back together or if not, a new woman, but with a fresh start. You can only hope for the better but you need a lot of focus and hard work.

MikeM101013 05/04/2020

Thank you so much for the advice and kind words. I will look into getting the book. You are right, I can't force her to show I have changed, I have to work on me first and go from there.

calirn13 05/05/2020

This may take years.. or not at all you need to be patient.

SunCloudJD 05/05/2020

I don't think anyone can just get over childhood sexual abuse nor can anyone just erase it from their history IMHO

If they could it would be wonderful

I am really wondering if you ?? might suffer from complex PTSD Mike..... I was wondering what type of therapy you're in??

Healing your inner child might make a huge difference moving forward.... That would probably require trauma therapy for complex PTSD

Some of the actions that you're describing could?? be a result of the trauma that you've suffered

Here's some info on complex trauma

I see that you're trying really hard to change your life and I hope given some time you and your wife can work things out

We have a really good PTSD board on here and a number of people have complex trauma on there due to suffering childhood sexual abuse

http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

SunCloudJD 05/05/2020

This is just a small paragraph that I copied

What are the psychological and behavioral symptoms of sexual abuse?

Psychological and Behavioral Symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Depression and anxiety; Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms; Dissociative states; Repeated self-injury; Suicide attempts; Lying, stealing, truancy, running away; Poor contraceptive practices; Compulsive sexual behaviors; Sexual dysfunction; Somatizing disorders; Eating disorders

The reason I'm talking about this rather then your marriage is because I think that your history may be what's causing the actions that you've been struggling with thus your marriage problems

SunCloudJD 05/05/2020

Info on boys who've been sexually abused

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/psychoanalysis-30/201101/sexually-abused-boys-and-the-men-they-become

MikeM101013 05/05/2020

Thank you so much! I never looked at it from that perspective but after reading everything is makes alot of sense

Glad2Help 05/05/2020

Thanks for the correction, SunCLoudJD, I cannot defend my post against your statement, “I don't think anyone can just get over childhood sexual abuse nor can anyone just erase it from their history IMHO.” I was not implying that it was as easy as waving a magic wand but I guess my reply can be interpreted that way since I did not qualify it. Next time I will add that it takes years and lots of work. Lesson learned. But I do know men who have sort of “erased” this from their history, not totally forget it but overcome it and make it sort of irrelevant in who they are now, including victims of Catholic priests. However, alongside clinical therapy, these guys were helped by faith and church. Thanks.

SunCloudJD 05/06/2020

Big hug Glad... I wasn't trying to put you down in any way... Forgive me if that's the way that it came across.....xo

Glad2Help 05/06/2020

No, not at all, SunCloudJD. I did not see it as a put down but an appropriate correction. Mike could have read it as if it was easy and that would not have helped him. Thanks, actually, because this will make me more careful next time.

SunCloudJD 05/06/2020

The formative years are important childhood years when a child's personality is being formed.... Who the child is re values, self worth/self esteem , socially etc.... These years are when a child learns to trust adults or when the sense of trust is crushed by abuse When a child is abused sexually or in other ways it....it traumatizes the child... damages who he is and who he will become as an adult without help/intervention by someone who understands trauma and it's effects

Trauma therapy is specific to trauma and really specialized therapy.... Healing the inner child can help the adult heal

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201604/childhood-abuse

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