What you are going through is very normal. Very.

I don't know why you are hiding your emotions from your wife though.
I tell my lying, cheating husband when I am feeling scared, or nervous, or anxious.
It is up to him to reassure me and to comfort me and to show me he is being good.
So far he has been doing everything right. None the less, I still think about kicking
him to the curb from time to time.

The more your wife puts into you and into your marriage, the better you will feel.
Talk to her.

Confused, there are some similarities between our stories. My wife too had an affair it lasted for 10 months though. Like you, even after finally reaching a point of more good days than bad. I still have days and periods, when I question whether I did the right thing staying. The following helps me keep things in perspective. My wife and I have been together for nearly 25 years, raised a family. Our marriage has seen some turbulent times but not infidelity and we made it through them all. I believe reflecting on those things reminds me of why I should stay. More importantly, my faith teaches me that I have been forgiven of much and I'm required to forgive just as I have been forgiven. This does not mean that I had to stay in the marriage but it means I have to let go of my anger and bitterness because in the end it will only entrap me in an unnecessary cycle of pain and suffering. However, I choose to stay married because she not only asked for my forgiveness, she also demonstrated through her actions, cutting all contact with the AP, leaving the job they shared, disclosing all passwords and financial information, and making me aware of her whereabouts several times throughout the day. Yet, again, I still question myself but I know, had I walked away without trying, I would always wonder if I did the right thing. Like you most of the time, I feel closer to my wife than I did prior to the affair. I think when couples make a genuine effort to reconcile after infidelity they become more in tune with each other. Let me be clear though, I'm not at all condoning affairs. However, I do believe it's far more easy for spouses to grow apart and overlook,
even tolerate other types of conflict in a marriage. Affairs are serious wake up calls, whether you decide to stay or go. I agree with Storm, let her know how you feel. I too hold back at times. I think I do it because I don't want to disrupt the progress we've made. I'm not sure if that's why you attempt to mask your emotions. From my experience, it doesn't work. Better to get everything out in the open. Lastly, I understand your comment " I will feel like I deserve better than a lying, deceiving person, but again I'm truly lost with out her". I can relate to that sentiment as well. but just know that you probably never thought your wife would betray you.
You can find love again. Stay because you think it's right for you. Wishing you the best and continued positive progress.

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds difficult. From what I see in your post, it looks like you both are willing to work on the relationship. I think that is the most fundamental and important decision to be made by both parties. My wife and I were separated for a month due to infidelity on my part with multiple partners. When she found out, I thought we were absolutely done. We both thought that our only choice was to break up. She went to a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) that first week and she was given a very important decision. She was asked if she wants to stay with me or not, which was empowering for her to have that decision. She said yes, and we are still together 18 months later. My addiction manifested in multiple ways such as being unfaithful, fantasy, porn use, excessive and hurtful sex with my wife, etc. Those are just the sexual coping behaviors. I also over-eat, shop, play video games, etc.

We both started seeing our own therapists and see a relationship therapist. We both go to our own 12-step groups. I go to SAA and she goes to COSA and we both go together to RCA (recovering couples anonymous). It was only through this hard work that we got to where we are now.

I have found that what helps our coupleship the most is consistent action over time. On my part, it came in the form of being honest and consistent with my actions, doing what I said I was going to do and being where I said I was going to be. It took a long time to even start to rebuild trust. We now have very clear boundaries around acting out behavior. For example, if either of us acts out with another person, we will end our coupleship. Learning to have boundaries was a difficult and confusing process, because (as I found out) I've never really had healthy boundaries.

My wife has expressed alot of the same feelings I read in your post. I can't say I have been through what you have, but I hope I can provide another perspective.

I think the main reason I mask emotions is exactly like you said, scared to ruin any progress. I did ask her a couple that were eating me up. She was straight about it and I'm trying to trust her, like you said it will take time. I was offered a management opportunity I would never get before D day.. it requires us to relocate in January. I let her make the decision. Now I'm traveling 8 days across 4 weeks for work. I have a hard time sleeping wondering what she is doing. I know she is with our daughter, because she works weekends evenings. I get home Thursday night so I know she is not up to anything. Just tough being on the road as this event occurred before I started traveling. I asked her if she would ever do this again, she said no. I believe her but as you know it's tough. I get paid very good money without a college degree. I have a strong faith with the church and trying to get her to reconnect with it too. I realize money isn't everything and wondering if it's worth the pain and lack of sleep when on the road. As you guys can understand what I feel. I love my job it was a complete blessing, but is job worth more than a rebuilding relationship? I don't think it is, but again this is an opportunity I'll never get again. As it's a very good company and chance to climb the ladder. Thank you for your responses

Keep pressing forward! Read the Journal called the 180 by sjs170. He is a friend of mine, I don't know how this works I just joined this website yesterday. Literally! So either friend me and I'll forward it if I can or friend him. My wife decided to have an affair after 25 years. No I'm not completely blaming her I play a role in this dance. Just check it out and see what you think.