Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My wife had a 10 month affair after over 20 years of marriage. I found out about it 6 months into it. I was very hurt and disgusted but after much thought and prayer I agreed to stay and work on the marriage. During that time she started seeing the other man again unbeknownst to me. They worked together. She refused to leave the job insisting that they would only have a professional working relationship. Also during this time she was very reluctant to answer any questions I had about their relationship. Fast forward 4 months I intercepted a text message that indicated she had rekindled the relationship with him two times since supposedly breaking things off after the initial discovery. Of course I was shocked, but I told her we were over and that she was free to be with him because we we're done. At that time I contacted an attorney and began to plan for divorce. She contacted me less than two weeks later stating she wanted to stay together. She found another job gave me full access to her passwords and accounts and has freely answered any questions that I had about her affair. I do believe she has been faithful since breaking things off with him. However, I struggle at times believing that remaining in the marriage was the right thing to do. It's been over a year now since we decided to stay together again. I think about the affair and her betrayal everyday. Don't get me wrong I love her and I think staying together has been great for our family. We are in marriage counseling and our relationship is stronger today than ever before. Yet, something in me feels weak for not walking away especially after the second time discovering the continuation of the affair. Has anyone else been there or feeling this way more than a year post reconciliation? I'm praying and working hard to forgive and learn from what has happened but it is still such a struggle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
helping ... maybe it will help you??
You make the comment that, "something in you feels weak for not walking away especially after the second time discovering the continuation of the affair. Let me assure you that the hard thing to do is to stay and stay faithful, even as it continues, fully knowing what is happening. There is no more helpless feeling than to know your spouses heart - and body - is elsewhere, while you continue to try to be faithful to her. At that point, leaving almost becomes easy - and the steps you took were the right ones - and the same ones I did.
Ultimately, the situation comes down to "what will the 'os; (offending spouse) do with that information". In your case, I will confess to being impressed. Indeed, what she finally did - new job, full access, full disclosure, was all the right steps. In my case, I had already moved away from her to another state. For her to ask to return meant she gave up her work, friends, EVERYTHING. And that is what must happen after something like this.
But I must caution you - even if she has FULLY disclosed the details for you, it will be quite some time before this even begins to "go away". Most experts say 2-5 years. And the process will be like the healing of a torn muscle. At first, you can't do anything without pain. Then as healing begins, it seems every little thing brings back the pain, sometimes even back to the level of when you first made discovery. But as you continue to work on your marriage (and she far harder than you), the episodes will begin to be fewer and less intense. You will never forget what happened, but eventually, you may have whole days - and at some point even more - when you will not even think about it. That time is not now, but if you keep going the way you are, it will happen.
I am on this group because my spouse took over four years to finally inform me of all that had happened. I don't know what happens now, because SO much time has passed. But if both of you remain committed to the marriage and the rebuilding process, indeed, it will truly build a marriage you never had. I pray for that - for the sake of both of you.
It's good she left the job and turned over all her passwords sounds like she is committed to you once the fog left her.
It's going to take you more time than this. It is going to take you at least two years. Give yourself plenty of breathing space and then you can start to think if repair is what you want.
seeing some one professional helped me.