You need to decide what you can do. She did everything you asked. Seems you could be a jerk and now say that you would leave after she did all the work. On the other hand, you still sound angry. If you can't forgive AND FORGET let her know now.

Thanks for your response lonely Anne. I am angry still. But i am still doing my part to show her I haven't given up and still by her side even with how hurt I am. I haven't been a jerk to her. I told her that hurting her more or punishing her doesn't get us through this. The forgive part will be easier then the forget part. It's a scar that doesn't go away. I don't take any of her effort in trying to repair us lightly. I'm just lost right now and now decision is a easy one

You confronted her last week. She finally came clean and decided to cut all contact with him. I say give it some time. You do not have to make a decision at this time. We've all read the post where the cheaters say they are doing everything you asked but still are hiding the affair. Take as much time as you need to process and decide if you want to stay or go. Nothing needs to be decided today.

I agree with movingon.

All of this is very fresh. You do not need to make a decision immediately.

Your W broke your marriage, broke the trust. It is up to her to repair it. So keep the monkey on her back and let her do the work.

You need to take care of yourself. And it wouldn't hurt to keep checking. Many affairs go underground once the cheaters get caught.

I do in no way agree with the first comment. Maybe I read it wrong or something but doesn't sound like that person has been in your shoes. Please at no point feel that you are a "jerk" to still leave her even if she now wants to make it work. Hell no she did you wrong very wrong. It sounds like she's on the right track in wanting to make things work but that decision is up to you. And in no way can there be a time restriction on that. You don't need to decide now, you don't owe her an answer now at all. You are in shock and angry of course that's normal give yourself time and don't make any decisions now. If you feel you want to try to work things out try it but get counseling for both separate and together and give urself time. Make her read what it does to someone to be cheated on (my boyfriend didn't realize my pain untill he read it in several places on internet what cheating does to a person) . I believe in possibly forgiving but no not forgetting . How could we ever forget something like this! And no-one is to blame except your wife. And if u decide after a year or 2 that u just can't get past it well too bad for ur wife no blame on you for leaving. Don't blame urself. We are in the same boat I found out 3 weeks ago. And also consider staying but not sure if I can get past it. Message me if you like to chat. Hugs ur not alone

I almost never pop in anymore, but I came to read a friend's happy journal entry and figured I'd see what was going on in the Infidelity forums.

My brief story is that my husband of 16 years cheated on me with someone he worked with. We are now seven years post day of discovery of the affair and more in love and happier than we ever were before his affair. I won't /ever/ say that him cheating is the best thing that could have happened to us, but I WILL say that it was eye opening and caused us to sort of reformat our marriage from scratch.

So here's what I learned during my recovery process:
1) It was never about me. Ever. My husband made selfish choices. Opportunity after opportunity presented themselves and he took them. He had other choices, but he chose infidelity.
2) It's possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. Just because my husband was messing around with, giving time and affection to another woman /doesn't/ mean he stopped caring for me. Just because he was in love with me doesn't mean he could never have possibly opened his life to another woman.
3) Everyone's path is different. What worked VERY well for my husband and I in our recovery won't necessarily work for everyone. That said, there are some things that HAVE to happen in order to fully heal and rebuild a marriage worth having:
a) both parties have to be 100% on board with rebuilding. If either party is holding back, things can never progress past a certain point.
b) FULL transparency - no secrets - no lies - no privacy
c) NO contact with the affair partner (we moved 3 hours away and hubby transferred to a new office so he would never work the the other woman again)
d) the marriage MUST become better than it was before the affair in the eyes of BOTH spouses. If both parties aren't happy, there's always going to be resentment and the chance of another affair.
4) Infidelity is flat out a breech of contract. As such, you are 100% entitled to leave the marriage with no guilt, no matter how much your unfaithful spouse begs, pleads, bargains, barters or changes. I chose to stay - and I do NOT regret it - but that doesn't mean everyone should - or can. That said, if you are in an emotional state - full of hatred and anger and grief and pain - sometimes it's better to just separate for a time. During separation NEITHER are you should date, but rather both should take time to heal and recover and recenter, and THEN make a decision as to whether or not to stay together. Coming back to this decision in "wise mind" - bringing both logical and emotional reasoning to the table, can give you a solution that's more long term and something you can fully commit to rather than capitulating through the process of emotionally healing for this deep wound.

Whatever you do, and however you go about it - you're not alone and YOU WILL BE OK.

Heartache5 you didn't misread what LonelyAnn wrote. LonelyAnn your skewed and pro-cheater views are not welcome on the Infidelity board. Your words are hurtful and insulting and do not comply with the guidelines for posting on Daily Strength. Members who continue to do such are reported.

Skeeter08 if you've just found out, you're probably in emotional I.C.U. and in no condition to be making decisions about whether to stay or go, and whether or not you can trust and eventually forgive her going forward. Betrayed spouses who feel a need to make an immediate decision, are often motivated by hurt and anger, and decisions should never be made in haste. You are probably months away from getting to a point where you can make an informed decision.

The first steps towards reconciliation is the Discovery Stage, which follows the initial shock, grief and anger if there is any, some spouses do not experience anger. Once you feel that you are able to have an open discussion where you can ask questions without anger, it's time to discover the extent of the infidelity. Most CS's will not divulge information unless they've been caught with it, so this can be a lengthy period. Trickle truth can take weeks to months to arrive, and sometimes it's too late, and sometimes it's not disclosed. During and after this period you will acquire a better understanding of the infidelity and your chance of whether or not you want to reconcile.

I have found that attempting to skip this step, or inject anger into the discovery stage, or treating it like an inquisition, is counter-productive, so you have to have your emotional intelligence at its sharpest. The how-could-you's, the how dare-you's, the disgust, anger and hate, must be tucked away if you are looking for a successful outcome. Anything less becomes an exercise in aggravation and torture for both parties.

This is not a time to make rash decisions. Going through the stages of finding out, the grief and discovery period that follow, are mandatory stages for recovery, before you can arrive at the stage of healing. Once you are somewhat healed from the train wreck, you will find yourself ready to make the decision you're asking about.

Wishing you well.

@lonelyanne

His wife destroyed the marriage and if he decides to leave it today or in a couple of years (as someone else mentioned) he is justified.

Like many commented it seems to early to make a decision as the discovery and understanding of all the events are not fully out in the open yet...plus you are likely in shock/denial to some degree.

Given her denials and the fact she did not confess will probably make this a process a little more difficult as you have to evaluate ongoing truthfulness that seemed at first to be begrudgingly provided.

One thing I'd like to point out from your story is that her reported rationale of wanting to jump to a higher lifestyle that this older man could provide. She appeared to be using him for security and she only came back to you after you threatened her security with you.

You said she came back after a day and told you she lost sight of what she had. Is she talking about a husband whom she loves or the lifestyle and attention/support you provide her?

Moving from severe selfishness to selflessness is a slow and painful journey that can take years if it occurs at all. The journey starts with deep and painful self reflection of who the cheater is and who they want to be.

After reading all the great post from you all which has been helpful. I know now I can't make any decisions until I get my emotions and thoughts to work together and not apart. Part of what I am working though now is what I should be asking for. Is there something I shouldn't been asking her to do for us or give up. What's to far. Any suggestions

You need to focus on you. What do you need? Where are your insecurities and how is this affair impacting them? Do you really, really want to stay? You have every right to question your life now--someone else's stupidity shattered you. So now how are you going to repair? The way I have worked (am working) on these things is to be real with myself and him.

I understand (believe me!!) what it is to flounder at this point I'm 8 weeks post D-day. I ask myself questions all the time, trying to figure out his motivations for running around with her and why he didn't just come home. I've received no adequate responses from H. because he isn't focused on his motivations. He continues to deflect and blame. That's not really working for me. So I shifted my focus to me.


What I'm doing now is asking myself What do I need from my marriage? What do I want from this person? How can I trust? Some days its really hard. Other days, I float and don't think about them together in the most of intimate ways. I like the second set of days more.

You should be able to ask her absolutely anything about the infidelity. If you're asking about what measures can you take or place upon her, then I'd post it here, and you'll get a better idea of what may work and what may not.

Lenoire as always gives very good advice. I'm sorry this has happened to you! I would also add that you need to get tested for STDs. I know you said the guy had ED but the possibility of STDs with that guy is real (or possibly other guys since cheaters do not typically come clean, do not disclose the full truth, only admit to what they'e caught with etc). Protect your health. Seek individual counseling to help you through this trauma (no marriage or couples counseling yet...it can be counterproductive to the betrayed partner in the early stages). And please know it is NEVER your fault, it is NOT about you and you are fully within your right now, a month from now, a year from now or whatever to throw in the towel. YOU did not inflict damage into your marriage by cheating. We betrayed partners get to decide what is best for us now, and no, it is not being a "jerk".