Wait,

You think your wife is cheating on you, have never caught her, and want to go have a revenge fuck?
For what purpose again?

Hi BetrayedAngel and thank you for replying to my little post.

It would be what I call it, a spite fuck. or several of them.

Right now, I am as bitter as hell and know in my heart that she has been making a damned fool of me for around three years. I also have contributed significantly to the foolishness.

If I could, I would love to be able to break her heart the way she has broken mine, just so she might know what it feels like, but the truth is, I really think she no longer gives a shit.

I have tried everything I can think of to save our marriage with little to no result. I am at the point of no return and am truly considering burning my bridges - so to speak.

These past allmost three years have been a completely new experience for me. I was once a confident and strong man. Now I am the pathetic little maggot you are speaking to and I despise myself for allowing this to happen to me.

What a bloody roller-coaster! I want to get off, take control of my life (at least)

I am not at all sure of the purpose of the revenge fuck, as you call it, but I think that at least, it might help to re-instill a little confidence in me. Who knows? It might even shake her up a bit.

So far, I have been the tame little mouse that has taken all the taunts, insults and very public put downs and turned the other cheek to keep the peace. This is the loser's way and I am freaking sick and tired of losing.

I am not a violent man but right now, I am as mad as hell and really want to hurt something.

sorry 'bout the rant, my friend.

regards,


mick

Mick -

First of all, let me say that I am so sorry for your pain. So many of us here know that indescrible hurt that hurts in a way you never thought possible.

As for a revenge fuck....sure, you could do that...but it won't help you.

If you want to get your confidence back, and experience the joy of being wanted again, you should leave your wife and THEN fuck anyone you want to.

It sounds to me like you are a good guy, and cheating on your wife will bring you down to her level -- and then you will feel worse about your self, not better.

Also, even though you want to do it to hurt her -- it sounds like you are saying she isn't really caring what you are doing, right? So what if you do it and then you hate yourself for compromising your integrity and she doesnt even care? Or worse, what if it DOES really hurt her, and then you realize that her hurting her didn't make you feel any better?

It sounds to me like you have been on a long and tortured road with your cheating spouse -- you need to get her attention and push this relationship one way or the other.

Don't live in the torture!!!

One piece of advice -- I don't believe she will ever tell you the truth unless you get proof. That just seems to be how most cheaters are. Figure out how to get the information you need - but know that she will most likely never confess. Mine never did - I had to play detective and get proof.

Also try and do one nice thing for yourself ever day - whatever little thing you can figure out will help.

Hugs,

Morgan

First, without positive proof you're just opening yourself up to a divorce where she gets to list you as the vow-breaker. If she's as clever as you say she'd probably take you to the cleaners.

Secondly, why punish some poor unsuspecting woman by using her like that? True, if you bagged one that knew you were married then she'd probably deserve it. (Unless you convinced her you wife was cheating on you and then it sounds like it would become pity sex. Either way not a very rewarding experience in my book.

You could go the hooker route but I'd wager that would make you feel even lower.

Lastly, let me share this. I haven't been a member of this group for very long. But I am noticing a common theme here. It's loaded with people who seemed to have a lot going for them until their spouse cheated. Then they (myself included) find themselves looking inward for their own foibles and shortcomings. In reality, while we all have faults, the REAL problem is in the cheater, not the cheatee. Once we all come to that realization it makes it easier for us to realize our own potential and stop beating ourselves up.

I fell for the revenge F*ck.....My bf left me as he thought I was cheating (I was not)....I found he has a married gf for 2 yrs. Over the holidays he appeared and wanted all back....long and short I am lonely and fell for it as false hope. Did the deed...however good it was(woohoo) ! Today I feel so very bad and realized I was used since his "married" lady could not be present at his family xmas, I was the show and tell piece, as I was and availalbe for that booty action...I have been sad since just depressed....I did cut all ties with my bf yesterday...next time the booty call hits me it would be less painful to find a stranger....

NO !!!!!!!!

Please don't lower your values & morals for a spite f@#k...I w0on't make you feel any better it will just put you into the low class life a cheater. Please don't go there. Talk to your wife, if she refuses to talk or blows you off then yes she is cheating. If she truely loves you and nothing is going she'll want to know why you have these thoughts, she'll want to help you resolve them. Good Luck.

No no no no no you shouldn't. If your wife isn't cheating then you have destroyed your marriage.

Is she open with everything? do you have access to her cell phone? Is there a password on the computer? If she isn't cheating then when you talk about it she should offer to be 100% transparent so you can see that you can trust her. The only way to know is to turn into a detective. If she blows you off when you talk about it, or tells you that you are paranoid then she is probably cheating

My bf was just like you when I met him as a result of the love of his life leaving him for another man after 15 years. He moved on the correct way : divorce then healing then dating. Now he is doing great. His self esteem is through the roof. You will be better in the long run if you move on and repair your self esteem the correct - slow way.

mick I think you need to stop and think about all this and get your perspective straight. You say before all this you were confident and strong. I understand all that myself. Before my wife's A I thought I was pretty damn smart and could take most anything that came my way. When I put everything together about my wife's A it floored me. I found myself so depressed and weak. Happens to the best of us but once I started looking at what I was turning into I decided I would not let that happen, I'm bigger than all that. I wasn't going to let what happen beat me. You have to do the same thing too.

I think you need to look at your situation and decide can your marriage be saved and secondly do you want to remain married. You should decide all that instead of trying to find a way to "get back" at your wife. If things are so bad why waste all that effort on something so unproductive?

Wish you the best and hope you really consider everything before you do something that maybe later on you might regret.

seems like you have lost yourself and put all of your perception in her hands as to who you are....that is how you lose yourself.
NO...that screwing around will not make things better.
First you need proof. if you dont have proof,then you are lost.....well you can put a recording device in her car if you can find one, you can check her emails, you can check her phone log on her cell phone, you can pretend you are going out of town on a hunting trip--go rent a car,bug a wig,rent a motel and follow her moves for a week to see what she does....
other stuff you can do to get her attention...start being predictable...join a gym without her,go out with some friends at the last minute with no ahead notice and call her and tell her you will be home in just a little while and then come in 3 hours later,then when she says something...lookk at her funny and say....what is your problem...and play innocent like she does.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE RED FLAGS YOU ARE SEEING.
Dont accuse her of anything bec that is useless if you dont have alot of concrete proof and then u will be upset being deceived.
you can go jump in a tanning bed hence probably something you dont do.
if you start doing all kinds of stuff that a man does when he is starting to look outside the marriage,change your hair,tan,workout,change your clothes,boots,etc....you will get her attention but never tell her why..just say you dont know what come over you but you felt like it.
YOU WILL BE BUILDING A POSITIVE NEW MAN AT THE SAME TIME AND TAKING BACK A NEW IDENTITY AND MAKING CHOICES BY YOURSELF WITHOUT HER APPROVAL AND still not doing anything like going to screw someone which just hurts someone else.you dont want to do that.
think of all the ways you have felt disrespected or curious and then ina round a bout way without it being obvious doing the same things.
we get taken for granted when we are too available, too accountable, too predictable, too the same,and never anything new and spontaneous and adventureouse about us....remake yourself for you and for your future with or without her....
that will lead you into finding your way.
quicker than you think...is she passively controlling with your reporting your ever move and keeping tabs on her and always predictable...
add some mystery to your relationship but this time...you be the one that is a mystery.

seems like you have lost yourself and put all of your perception in her hands as to who you are....that is how you lose yourself.
NO...that screwing around will not make things better.
First you need proof. if you dont have proof,then you are lost.....well you can put a recording device in her car if you can find one, you can check her emails, you can check her phone log on her cell phone, you can pretend you are going out of town on a hunting trip--go rent a car,bug a wig,rent a motel and follow her moves for a week to see what she does....
other stuff you can do to get her attention...start being predictable...join a gym without her,go out with some friends at the last minute with no ahead notice and call her and tell her you will be home in just a little while and then come in 3 hours later,then when she says something...lookk at her funny and say....what is your problem...and play innocent like she does.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE RED FLAGS YOU ARE SEEING.
Dont accuse her of anything bec that is useless if you dont have alot of concrete proof and then u will be upset being deceived.
you can go jump in a tanning bed hence probably something you dont do.
if you start doing all kinds of stuff that a man does when he is starting to look outside the marriage,change your hair,tan,workout,change your clothes,boots,etc....you will get her attention but never tell her why..just say you dont know what come over you but you felt like it.
YOU WILL BE BUILDING A POSITIVE NEW MAN AT THE SAME TIME AND TAKING BACK A NEW IDENTITY AND MAKING CHOICES BY YOURSELF WITHOUT HER APPROVAL AND still not doing anything like going to screw someone which just hurts someone else.you dont want to do that.
think of all the ways you have felt disrespected or curious and then ina round a bout way without it being obvious doing the same things.
we get taken for granted when we are too available, too accountable, too predictable, too the same,and never anything new and spontaneous and adventureouse about us....remake yourself for you and for your future with or without her....
that will lead you into finding your way.
quicker than you think...is she passively controlling with your reporting your ever move and keeping tabs on her and always predictable...
add some mystery to your relationship but this time...you be the one that is a mystery.
but the only way his will work is if.....you keep all of this to yourself forever....
and be your own master.

Mick NO
Calm down. Find a good therapist. Talk to them.

Don't take the bait from your wife. Rise above it.

Find out the truth. You can track her keystrokes on the computer. You can buy a Trackstick and track the car.

Or you can just get out. Move on.

I think it is very hard to change a person. If you marry a crazy woman, she will still be crazy 10, 20 years later. If you married a someone who is going to control, twist, lie and deceive- I think she was like that 20 years ago and will still be that way 20 years from now.

So you can save yourself some trouble and look in the mirror. What do you want? Her the way she is. Out. Do you want the truth by tracking? Do you already know everything you need to know.

Bottom line- I think you deserve someone who will love you for who you are and support you emotionally to reach your goals- who is the the love of your life. Your soulmate.

Talk to the therapist. Maybe you really do love her. If not, pack it up, move on and follow your bliss.

Life is too short for bitterness, tears, mind games.

Wow guys, thank you all so much for your well thought out replies. I have been grasping at straws here and it feels like I am stumbling round in the dark.
Specifics have been asked for so here goes nothing.
Here is a short list of the red flags that I have noticed.
Prior to this BS starting, we had a very happy relationship. We were not only husband and wife and very frequent lovers, we were also best friends. In short, It seemed to me that we had the perfect marriage. We did everything together.
As to sexual activity, she loved it as much as I do and would often ring me at my work with statements like Hurry home. I have something for you etc.
All this changed, like a switch had been turned off. She suddenly became cold and aloof. Nasty in fact, not interested in doing anything with me let alone making love. This went on for about 8 months with continuous, nasty rejections to every advance I made.

Then out of the blue, one day, she actually threatened me with one of my best friends saying that he had invited her to go paddling with her. (we are keen kayakers) Suddenly the penny dropped and when she saw my reaction, she immediately amended it to try to make it sound like he had invited both of us.

To late. I know what I heard and I know the context in which it was said.
Since then, I have been doing my own little snooping and have noticed many things that are noted here and elsewhere as warning signs. Here are some examples.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
Yes, as mentioned. She has turned cold and nasty to me yet while in compony of others, she reverts to the woman I used to know.

2. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
Yes, very secretive with all her personal things now.

.
3. Starts shopping for new clothes.
Yes, and new taste in clothes too apparently.

4. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
Yes, definitely. She now goes to great pains to apply makeup before going anywhere. Before, she was happy to rely on her own natural beauty.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.

5. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
Yes, We are both shift workers, working different rosters. She is very interested in when I am working while she is not.

6. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
Yes. She encourages me to go away often camping and fishing with my friends. Before, she always wanted us to go together instead.

7. Makes more phone calls late at night.
Yes. Has them on her cell phone hidden away in her room

8. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
Yes, very pally with one particular male friend at her work.


9. They insist on answering the phone.
Yes.


10. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
Yes.

.
11. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
certainly

12. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
Yes


13. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
Yes

14. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
Yes


15. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
Yes
.
16. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
Yes.

47. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
Yes

Some others.

She seemed to separate herself from her interests as well as mine and seemed "untouchable

- Your "sex life" deteriorates.
- New haircut
- Different cologne after using same one for years
- spends more time in front of the mirror in the morning
- leaves for work earlier than usual


Minimizes or hides the computer screen when you walk by.

Has a seperate email account you knew nothing about. (several of them)
Changes passwords on things he formally had no problem with you getting into.


Reading books about sex, finding joy in life, romance novels. This from a woman who rearely reads for pleasure.


Definitely changes in undergarment and dresing habits. Lots of new pushup bras. Wearing "thong" underwear and no underwear under panty hose

During the affair in addition to encouraging me to have my own activities without her

Stops saying "I love you" or even "I love you too"
Becomes VERY critical of you

Another interesting sign was "amnesia" suddenly he forgot all about any happy times in our marriage, and rememebered only negative things ( some of them that had never happened, or not happened the way he was saying it

1) not showing interest in my desire to go away for weekend together.
2) checking email account whenever I wasn't at home.
3) leaving for work extra early.
5) being evasive when asked questions about his day, such as,what did you do forlunch today?
8) not wanting to kiss me while making love...decreased sex drive...lack of affection...pulling away when I tried to get affectionate....
Does not want you to touch him.
Won't look you in the eyes when answering innocent questions
Encourages you to go on a out of town trip and before hated you being away.

Changes style of underwear she now has a comprehensive array of very sexy underwear and lingerie that I have never seen her wear.

compliments became a thing of the past

Most of these are simply copied and pasted from other sites because I am just too tired to e bothered re typing them just now. They all fit my predicament.

Please tell me if you think my suspicions are justified or not.

regards,

Mick

mick you may not have "absolute" proof but sure looks like a lot of smoke and you know what they say about smoke there's usually a fire. My wife did a lot of those things you listed. The ones that are real red flags are the sudden hostility or resentfulness towards you, the leaving for work earlier and the wanting you to go out on your own without her. Has she told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you"? That's the real kiss of death. Even after I confronted my wife about her affair and she ended it she continued with an aloof behavior towards me and this perceived notion that I treat her family and friends badly. When I pressed her for examples they turned out to be her perception and not necessarily "the truth". I think she used this as an excuse for her to treat me wrong by having an affair. If I was a "not very nice guy" then having an affair was justifiable. When I called her on this she did a lot of self-reflection and decided she was wrong for her perceived notions about me.

I think you definately need to talk to a therapist or someone along those lines to help you deal with this problem. I would recommend you and your wife to seek counciling but I don't know if she would be very receptive since she seems to want to drive a wedge between the two of you. Confronting her without undeniable proof probably would make things worse and cause her to hide whatever is going on more so. If you can't get into her emails or get cell phone records you may have to turn to a professional to check up on her. All this sounds like a lot to go through so I recommend you take a long look at where all this might end and prepare yourself for some rather unpleasant stuff that may be brought to light. So sorry your going through all this. I hope things turn out for the best.

Mick,

Instead of driving yourself nuts with a gut feeling, it is time to get to the bottom of it and then proceed from there.
Find the cell phones, get a list of who she is calling.
Screw with your work schedule, tell her you will be working when you WONT BE and come home.
Tell her you are going on a trip, and come back earlier.
Install a keylogger on your home computer.

Do not dodge the bullet of actually finding the proof that you need. Its obvious to you she is cheating, but now is the time to answer questions that will haunt AND that are imperative such as who with and for how long.

She isn't going to admit to shit. And if you ask her, she is going to try that much harder at hiding things.

Ask yourself this:
If you find out if she is cheating, are you going to stay?
If you don't find anything but continue to feel like this, are you going to stay?

Fucking someone else is going to give you an orgasm. Its not going to give you anything else back, mainly your right to be treated as a decent human being.

This has been going on for three years?

In all due honesty, and in my opinion of course, I say find the information/proof that you need and move on in life. Or drop even needing it and move on due to the way she is treating you.

The alternative is to continue to feel the way you do and live your life like this. No one can make the big decision for you, but I'd ponder how to make my life better once and for ALL; not how to achieve an orgasm to make myself feel better for a few minutes.

Mick,
start digging and find out the truth.

Never lower yourself to cheating. When/if this is over, you need to be able to look back and know that you have maintained a higher standard.

Be better than that.