This is my first post. I don't know what I'm doing here but I just feel I need to reach out and talk to someone. Maybe typing this out and getting it off my chest will help me feel better.... who knows?

I'll try to make this short since I tend to draw things out with too much detail...

First, let me quote that "Trust is like glass, once broken, it will never be the same again" as it plays into my story and is relevant.

I've been married for 15 years, well almost. If we make it till the end of this year, it will be 15 years. Its been a good marriage, we have two children, and, to the best of my knowledge, there's been no infidelity. At least not until possibly recently.

My wife is absolutely beautiful, and to me, she's the most beautiful woman in the world and not just skin deep. I absolutely adore her and I know she could probably have any man she chooses if she wanted.

I admit I can be jealous, suspicious, and insecure at times. I'm human, and I'm a man...

Long story short, I had a gut feeling something wasn't right and that my wife might be cheating back in December of last year.

It didn't help that we were going through a very bad financial problem and she was very angry at me because I was not doing enough in her eyes to fix it. That's a whole other discussion but it plays into my insecurities.

Another thing that doesn't help is that my wife is a flight attendant and travels away from the home several days a week and I'm left at home taking care of the kids.Anyway, for the first time in our relationship, I snooped on her phone and her WhatsApp to see if she was talking to any men in a way that a married woman shouldn't.

Turns out, on the very first time I ever stooped to that level, I found a conversation that looked very much like she and this male flight attendant named Justin were trying to plan their flights so that they would end up at the same location so they could meet up during a layover. They didn't say the reason they were going to meet so my mind filled in the blanks. What didn't help is that I could see that my wife had been deleting their conversations and there were only a few most recent messages. The fact that she was deleting her conversation with only this person and not others she talked to on WhatsApp made me even more suspicious.From what little conversation there was, I knew what day they were planning and what airport, which was only a few days in the future.

Now my insecurities were even higher so I snooped through her overnight bag and found all kinds of incriminating, albeit, circumstantial evidence.I found a piece of paper with this same guy's email address and phone number, along with an email address for her that was unknown to me. I have to ask myself, why does she have an email address that is secret from me and why is it written on a piece of paper with this guy's email address and phone number?

I found a receipt from a few days in the past where she had purchased two very tight-fitting pants, one which was a leather Spanx, and a sexy pair of underwear. She'd purchased these while on a trip and didn't share with me these attractive pieces of clothing. I also found a bottle of wine.

We like wine and drink it together and it was not uncommon for her to purchase wine on trips and bring it home since the state we live in makes it difficult to purchase good alcohol.

Anyway, I was convinced by everything I was seeing that she had already cheated on me or was about to but I did not confront her immediately.

The night of our anniversary came and we had a home-cooked dinner and a bottle of wine, which was the only one in the house except the one in her bag so when it was empty I said, "ah its all gone, do we have another bottle?" and she answered "no" even though I knew there was one in her bag. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt that she'd forgotten to take the one that was in her bag out but now she'd just lied and said there wasn't anymore in the house so now my gut feelings and the circumstantial evidence was starting to look more and more as proof she was cheating.

A couple of days later, the day it appeared she'd be hooking up with this guy on a layover came and sure enough she had a layover at that city they'd talked about. My jealousy got the best of me and I sent texts to both of them telling them "I knew what was going on." I was trying to stop them before they reached the point of no return.

Now the cat was out of the bag. That night, from her hotel room, she and I ended up doing a video WhatsApp to talk about what I knew. I told her what I saw on her phone and in her overnight bag. I left out what I knew about the piece of paper and the receipt for the "sexy clothes".

She ended up being very angry at me and denied she was having an affair. She said that he didn't make it to the layover because he couldn't get a trip that matched and their reason for meeting up was "innocent".

She said she should be able to have male friends and I had no right to go snooping around on her phone, etc, etc.

She admitted that she'd been talking to this guy but claimed he was only a friend and that he was emotional support for her while she and I were going through our problems and nothing more. She reassured me that they were not having an affair and had no plans for an affair and that my text to him made him very uncomfortable and now I may have ruined a good friendship for her with my jealousy.

Ok, I agree she should be able to "have male friends" and I should not go snooping around on her phone and her stuff but I truly sensed something was going on and low and behold, when I went snooping, look what I found...

Anyway, I was shocked that she so easily turned this around on me and now I was the one on the defensive for "invading her privacy" when everything, in my mind, clearly pointed to her and this guy planning to meet up and have a bottle of wine and likely do more.

By the way, I think its worth mentioning that she tends to "get in the mood" when drinking and can't handle her alcohol so well, which is why I don't like hearing that she's been drinking on one of her trips because I worry she might drink more than she can handle and end up in a situation that makes her vulnerable. She argues she's a grown woman and can handle herself... true she's a grown woman but I know from experience that with just 1 or 2 glasses of wine she can become extremely compromised and not remember the night before in the morning. It's actually a little scary, especially when I imagine her having drinks after a long day and she's got a long layover ahead of her. My mind starts worrying that she'll have too many and some asshole seeing she's vulnerable will try and take advantage of the situation. I know I should probably not let my mind think these things but I have so much trouble not imagining a worst-case scenario when I've seen her firsthand get drunk very easily. When she's drunk, her inhibitions go away. That's great when we're together but not when she's in a hotel without me...

Anyway, we kind of made up and she told me she wasn't having an affair and I promised not to invade her privacy.

For the last 7 or so months, it's been "ok" and we've been working on things. I've tried very hard to not go through her stuff and she's locked her phone so I have no hope of getting on there unless she leaves it unlocked for a minute.

Remember those leather Spanx? Well, I knew where she kept them in her drawer and I couldn't help but check when she was away on trips to see if she'd taken them with her. I wasn't doing so good at not snooping but those damn pants just kept bothering me along with that piece of paper she keeps even to this day in her bag.

Well, she ended up taking those Spanx with her on a trip in Jan/Feb time frame, I can't remember exactly, but I know she took them on a trip that had a long layover.Sure enough, when she got back, the next day they were back in her drawer, so I knew they'd been gone.

About 2 months later, we were watching a TV show together and a lady was wearing a very light pair of pants and I commented on them. She said, "oh, my friend Kat gave me a pair of leather pants kinda like those but I've never worn them." Since I knew she'd bought them and not Kat and that she'd taken them on at least one trip, I kinda remarked something to the effect "oh, so Kat gave them to you, huh?" I don't remember exactly what I said but it was enough to show I didn't believe her and she got pissed at me and said she wished she'd never said anything. That incident caused some uneasiness for a few days but we moved on. I couldn't understand the need to lie about the pants.

Then Father's day came and we went to dinner with our kids. She left her phone with one of our kids who was looking at some pictures, when they put it down, I couldn't resist and picked it up to see if she'd been having conversations with Justin. She'd told me I'd ruined their friendship and they no longer talked and I couldn't help but want to verify this. After all that happened, I just don't yet trust her again. I was hoping one day I'd be able to.

As it turned out, they had been chatting but only casual "hellos" and "how are you" types of things but I knew she had a habit of deleting messages so I had no idea if there was anything she'd deleted and I couldn't see.

Anyway, I saw nothing concerning and put the phone down but not in time before she came back from the restroom and caught me. She pretended like she wasn't bothered and I pretended like I was just looking at the same photos our child had been looking at. I now know we were both lying.

So... a few days ago, she'd been away for several days on a trip and it had been at least a week or more since we'd been intimate and I woke up around 5 AM hoping we could cuddle and maybe more. We sometimes get intimate in the mornings before getting out of bed because she's often very tired by the time we get to bed and is more likely to respond in the morning. She didn't reject me but she said she'd like to sleep another hour, and I said "I'll be back in an hour then" and she said "ok" in a way that said she was open to me coming back and getting in bed with her again.

I came back about an hour later and she was up and in the bathroom showering. I noticed she'd left her phone on the table just outside the bathroom and it wasn't yet locked. I couldn't resist and took a peak. Sure enough, she'd been on WhatsApp just before putting it down and she'd deleted all of her conversations with Justin.

I was a little hurt. Not because she'd gotten up and our chance to be intimate had been missed; I was disappointed, sure, but that wasn't it, it was because she'd gotten up before I came back and had thought to talk to Justin and delete their conversation. I felt she made time for him that morning but not for me. What were they saying to each other that she wouldn't want anyone to see?

I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't hide my emotions so while we were making the bed that morning, she could see I was bothered. I didn't say anything at that point but she could tell something was bothering me.

That night, just before bed, I just couldn't bite my tongue any longer and said "can we talk about what was bothering me this morning?" and she said, "I know what it is, it's because we haven't been intimate." I said, "yes, that but something else." I should have stopped at just "yes" but this thing with Justin just had been eating at me all day. I said that I felt she was keeping something from me.

She said "oh, I see you looked at my phone this morning. Well, I can say good morning to whoever I want I delete my messages because I don't need you seeing my conversations with my friend and getting jealous." She went on to say she knew I'd looked on Father's day as well but had chosen not to make a big deal of it.

I admitted that I had looked at the phone and saw what I saw and it was bothering me. I should have stopped right there but because this was getting turned around on me again I felt I had to pull my ace out my pocket (stupid me), I said "and I know you've been lying and keeping secrets..." I went on to tell what I knew about the leather Spanx.  Well... that was the straw that broke the camel's back and she blew up and said that since she's a liar, I should divorce her. I said I didn't want to and she responded, "well I do, I want a divorce." She said she was angry because I'd looked at her phone again and was shocked that I had gone through her stuff. She left the room angrily and went to bed.

I ended up sleeping on the couch and she was gone the next morning on another 3 day trip. The entire time, we barely communicated because she warned me when she left that she didn't want to talk to me and that I wasn't to bug her.

It's been just about the worst 3 days of my life because we haven't talked except a few texts and we haven't had our usual chats to let me know she'd arrived safe and good morning, and good night and I love you's. It's amazing how quickly those little conversations are missed and mean so much. Not to mention how things had ended the night before she left.

I did apologize for invading her privacy and promised I wouldn't do it again but she said basically where I could put that apology and my promise and said "she's done."

WTF?! After 15 years, she's done because of what I did? What about what she did? What about the lies and the secrets and the plans to meet some guy with a bottle of wine in her bag?

She blames me and says she hides her conversations and lied about everything, including the pants, because I made her with my jealousy.

I'm not opposed to self-reflection and I've been thinking about it and doubting myself... "did I cause this, is this my fault?"

Now I want to talk to her and reexplain all of my actions and convince her that I'll stop invading her privacy but that I just want her to be completely open and honest with me. If she were to just look me in the eyes and tell me she's sorry for the lying and hiding and keeping secrets and promise she'll stop, then I would too. Honestly, she means so much to me that, at this point, if she were to tell me that she had actually had an affair but she was sorry and would give us another chance, then I'd forgive her and give us a chance too. I really truly love her that much and, even though I know that a revelation that she had actually had an affair would probably cause my mind to break, I'd rather deal with that but have a chance to move on than have to accept that our marriage is over. I just can't imagine my life without her.

Just for clarity, she's not the first woman I've ever been with, meaning, she's not my first relationship and I'm not worried that I couldn't find someone else; I just don't want someone else. I've been in other relationships, some of them lasting several years, and I've been cheated on and I've even cheated so I know how it goes. But in her case, she's truly the love of my life and the one I chose to be with for the rest of ours. To give that up because of my actions, which were really kind of justified since they only occurred after her behavior had caused me to become suspicious and it turns out my suspicions were right...

Anyway, I probably sound like I'm trying to justify my actions... and I guess I am. I know it was wrong to do the things I did that invaded her privacy but I feel the things she did were equally wrong. She says she doesn't need to apologize because it was my fault that she did what she did.

Seriously?!

Well, I guess I failed at keeping it short... Sorry!

It does a little feel good to get it out. I just wish I had a friend here that I could have got it off my chest with...

Thanks for reading to the end, assuming you did. ;-)