Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I would like to share my story. I have been married for 11 years. My husband and I appear to have it all on the surface as a "power couple". I have a suessful career in corporate America and he has been a very successful business man and entrepreneur. We live in NYC and the Hamptons and have 2 beautiful kids elementary age. We always had fun together and socialized, shared similar interests and intellectual dialog. I was the primary with the kids and the household although I worked full time. He was always working very very late and travelling a lot but I just accepted that he was working hard for our family and was very social. I was really very laid back. In the beginning he was very in love with me and wanted to get married right away, he was 38 when we met and just knew I was 'the one'. He always told me he could never be married to anyone but me. We always had sex and I am a very affectionate person.
Flash forward to Jan this year, something started to seem really off so I did invesgating and I realised that he:
1) Had been having an emotional affair with an ex girlfriend for the better part of a decade, lying to me and telling me he was going to work when he was really going to her house.
2) Had a ful blown sexual affair for 2 years on and off with some support woman he met at work, who knew he was married and didn't care, according to him no love but was just a "stress reliever" for him.
3) During the same time, at age 49 now, he picked up a hot 24 year old who was working some event he was at and brought her to two of his business trips to Vegas and LA.
I confronted him about this and he denied everything but the trips for a long while despite my overwhelming evidence. He told me he would end the relationship with the "friend" he was having the affair with. I tried to take him to therapy but after a few sessions he quit saying he was too stressed with his business happenings. Then time passed, I did some more research and realised he was still having regular sleep overs at woman #2s house and also still in daily contact with woman #1. So I retained an attorney and was preparing to tell him I want a divorce. When he realised this by going through my email, he suddenly became all upset and insisted we go to therapy, and finally admitted the affair. I forced him to call her and end it right in front of me and I forced him also to confront woman #1. Since then he has been saying he is so remorseful and wants to devote the rest of his life to making this right for me. He agreed to GPS tracking on his phone and giving me his password, etc. However he continues to do stupid stuff (such as contacting woman #1 again after he told her in front of me their relationship was over). And despite his begging and begging I just dont see a way to trust him again after he had lied and tortured me for so long, and I am sure I may not even know the half of it. My mind is clear - I need to go ahead and divorce him but my heart is having a harder time breaking away. I am out of the country for work for a week right now and trying no contact with him to clear my head. I have a great job, already provide the health insurance for the family plus my husband will need to provide me with child support as I will be the primary custodial parent. I have a supportive family and lots of friends. But I still feel stuck. How do I break free and move forward.
And you think the old girlfriend is only an EA but he goes to her home? That would be shocking if that’s the case.
You are doing the right thing by listening to your 6th sense.
He will be furious, he will blame it on you. But if he was going to leave he would’ve left anyway. Expose him to your friends and family let them know what you’re dealing with. You have nothing to be embarrassed about this is something he did to you and your family. You may even find that some of his closest friends knew about it all the time. Those of the friends he needs to have no more contact with because those people are not friends of your family.
The only reason he agreed to counseling is to keep the cat in the bag since you leaving would destroy the image he build of himself with everyone. People will find out who he really is and this is something a person of his status fears. Similar to all those big names who fell to #metoo.
I would tread carefully with disclosure to your children and how you manage that though. Never use your children as weapons. How and when you do it should be based on the best outcome for your children.
He never seem to have been faithful even from the start so there really isn't much of a relationship to salvage. He was always this person and hasn't done one single thing to show that he is willing to change, even if it is a possibility with him.
I honestly doubt losing you and his family are his biggest concerns....it is about losing his reputation if you leave him. Divorce and adultery are a big stain on his record. The betrayed spouse will receive empathy and support, he will become the stereotypical "toxic male".
While his actions and history make me doubt his sincerity, a separation at a minimum would be a good idea if for some reason you actually want to reconcile with him. If he won't agree to even a separation you know for sure that he is just in it to keep you quiet.
I agree with Calirn and you do need to expose all these cheaters. This is not
your secret to keep. Cheaters need to have consequences.
As for your children - do what you think is best. I think they should know.
You are in much better circumstances than most betrayed spouses. Get yourself to a therapist who can help you manage your emotions.
You were lied to and deceived from the first moment you met this jerk.
There is a better life ahead without him. You break free once you realize this.
That said: Divorce in New York City is an absolute nightmare. It can easily (EASILY) take 3-5 years and cost in excess of $50,000. You have a house in the Hamptons?? Sheeeee-it. Buckle up, Baby, because you'll be in for a long, rough, and expensive ride.
I recommend you consult an attorney, and have A-L-L-L the paperwork prepared NOW. (At the very least, a post-nup). Tell your husband "Okay, I will commit to marriage counseling, and trying to forgive you, and making every effort to put this behind us... Provided you sign all this paperwork NOW. I will only file for divorce with this paperwork if I catch you cheating again.
And how can you put a price on having a decent life?
This cheating louse of a husband needs to be dumped a.s.a.p AND the
world needs to know what a cheating louse he is!
Women have legal advantages in divorce court.
Everything goes half but primary ownership of house goes to the physical custody parent....which will be her.
Alimony and child support will also be going her way.
I feel bad dads/husbands who get screwed by the courts but in this case.....he earned this.
He was never faithful so I'm not sure exactly what counseling is going to do. "IF" and that's a big "IF" he actually is capable of becoming a decent husband/dad it would likely take years up years a lot of heartbreak in between.
As it happens, I also know a thing or two about divorce in New York State. And I am here to tell you that, strategically, just "dumping" him is a lousy strategy.
In any event, I never, ever, under any circumstances, advocate for one parent making the other one look bad to the children.
As for divorce it is expensive everywhere if you guys cannot agree on how to separate everything.
Don't tell the kids. Mine are a little older and they came to me asking and talking about their father. I never had to tell them because they figured it out on their own.
As for talking to other people, you do what you need to do. I kept a lot of things hidden for so many years. It's taking years for me to heal and to finally open up and acknowledge the truth about my marriage.