My H and I are both addicts. In my opinion the substances are all interchangeable. He quit cocaine to get involved with me; that was my deal breaker. I quit men to get involved with him. We both used pot back then, he kept that vice after I gave it up to have babies, about 6 months into our relationship. We both quit cigarettes 7 years ago but he kept the pot against my will. I was deeply jealous that he got to keep a vice after all our years together while I was left with none. I was wide open and emotionally vulnerable while he still had a wall behind which he could hide.

The biggest issue for me was in being treated like an object by him. He gave up cocaine and expected me to take it's place and blow his mind on demand, just like it always had. I have up men, who had always boosted my self esteem by wanting me, and expected him to fill that void for me. When, after 12 years of marriage, I no longer blew his mind and got no who boost out of being his cocaine, I found someone else who would objective me in that same way. My drug of choice no longer got me off so I found a new one.

Your counselor is right that it's not personal. Unfortunately, your husband may not relate to you as a person any more than mine does. It's been 3 years since my affair and we are still struggling at times to define each other in healthier ways. We've made progress, for sure, but it's a long row to hoe.

The best resource I can offer is by Terence Gorski, Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery.
http://www.relapse.org/custom/cart/edit.asp?p=108361
It lays out the difference between healthy and addictive ways of relating, along with the natural stages of developing healthy relationships. A good place to start.

Hi Ouch,

My H was on a similar path to yours ... I knew he occasionally looked at internet porn but didn't realize how out of hand it had gotten until after Dday when I installed a secret keylogger to track internet activity.

His went something like this ... occassional porn use, not happy at work, started drinking a beer when he got home to unwind, still stressed at job and started drinking several beers at night when he got home from work, started looking at porn several hours a day, then went on dating sties "just to see" who was on there, then went on Craig's list to see the weird listing, opened up a secret email account, set up Craigslist account, started flirting with coworker, started following her on FB, emailed several times and started texting like crazy because she was like interactive porn. Got busted.

It's all a slippery slope that leads to the same place.

It took me several months to part out after Dday - he had been acting weird for awhile and I blamed it on stress when it was really the porn usage that was making him see sex and women in a really warped way. I told him counseling was the only way I'd stay with him and he stopped cold turkey with a few relapses (using Google pictures - type in MILF tattoo and you'll get an eyeful).

We've had some pretty good discussions about it since - I was really worried for him whether we stayed together or not. After being away from all of that for several weeks he said he felt a lot better and realized it had been making him more depressed and anxious, which then made him want to drink, which kept the vicious cycle going. His counselor specialized in men's issues and was really great at helping him figure out what was going on. Internet porn can be really dangerous.

Check out this site: http://yourbrainonporn.com/

My advice to your is to set the boundaries of what is ok in your marriage and hold firm. But also be supportive of him working his way out of this. Even if its just for your kids, because they will continue to spend time with him.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this further - there is a great chance that he can overcome this.

Ouch: SO sorry! This in not an easy thing to deal with. Yes, I have dealt with it. Here's a link where there are many who have, or do, struggle with the same issues.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spousespartners-of-sex-addicts

There are things that are helpful for your H to read, like most anything by Patrick Carnes. There are many resources for help, and he will likely need them. A counselor that is trained in regard to sexual addiction would be very helpful. But, any good counselor trained for addiction treatments would also help.

I see you have a therapist. That's good. And, I know that this "trying to convince me sexual addiction is not a cop out or an excuse but a reason and that his actions have no bearing on me or our relationship." is a tough one. Though his behavior is not caused by you, it affects both you and the relationship. And, there are many serious detriments to his skewed thinking capacity.

I'm available if you'd like to talk. And, there are many others with experience on the group site I added here for you.

My H is a textbook narcissist. He has an addictive personality. Most Ns have addictive behaviors. My H's narcissism stemmed from his parents' divorce and the family's move to another state when he was very young. His dad, even when he was in the home, was not present in his children's lives. So, lo and behold, my H is the same. He's gotten better since his A came to light, but more because the MC and I requested it. Shortly after learning about the A, I went online and found a book called, "Help! I'm In Love With a Narcissist!" by Carter and Sokol. You have NO idea how this book changed my life! It helped me to understand what happened. Not that it excuses his behavior, but at least I know that he wasn't born a monster. I have no fantasies about changing my H. I had to make changes with myself. Mostly, for our R, I have few expectations. My heart is not open to trusting him the way I did for so many years. He crossed so many boundaries, it's not even possible for me to trust completely again. So, we're pretty much irritable roommates with children. We get along, but it's not what it should be. Again, this is a good book. Check it out online and see if it may apply to your H. I don't know much about your H, but my H is very secretive and he has a big addiction to porn, too. Also, he NEVER has deep conversations with me. It's always surfacy, stuff. He avoids talking to me, yet he spent so much time talking to OW. He's afraid to open up to me -- and I'm his wife! I hate that you're on this journey, but I hope that you find the answers you need.