My Ex's A ended up being a huge self-esteem boost for me. It was one of the positives I took out of it.

Thanks for sharing.

Interesting thoughts as usual Cole. Thank you for posting them. Self-esteem...hmmm...does come into the aftermath of infidelity doesn't it? Or, it seems to anyway. I think that I had fairly adequate self-esteem before finding the infidleity issues. And, I feel like I have fairly adequate self-esteem after it. Thing is, that I have my doubts whether or not it was ever my "self" esteem that was at issue. I think it smacked more of my Hs lack of esteem for me. I have to admit I was a bit surprised. I mean, I think I have a lot of very positive attributes. I'm pretty sure I have some negative ones too. I was never embarrassed to have him gaze at me before the sexual issues. But, I have always been embarrassed since. Now, it seems like if was a "self" esteem issue, I would have felt that way before too, but I didn't. So, I wonder how much "self" esteem is affected, compared to how much "mate" esteem is affected. I do know this for sure...that comparing a nearly sixty year old woman to women in their twenties....on a strictly...physical...sexually attractive scale, I'm gonna' be the loser there. So, is that self esteem? Or is that just reality?

Probably a bit of both, Sheen. Interesting thoughts about "mate esteem." I hadn't given that a lot of thought. One immediate thought is mate-esteem can change for the CS due to the affair. My guess is you now think that he is seeing you differently, comparing you to the young lass. Before the A, that thought wasn't there. So, yeah, it probably goes back to self-esteem, in that it matters to you how he is thinking about you, or your body specifically.

Sure Cole, I care. I think it might be rather unusual to not care how your mate thinks about you? Or is that just a side issue? Do you not care how your mate thinks about you? Is it uncommon to care how a mate thinks about you? And, sure, I know my body isn't twenty something. I think that would entail some kind of denial to believe that? So, I call it reality. And, as far as women my age go, I'm par for the course. But, in no wise, have I ever thought of a very mature woman being as attractive strictly on a physical level as a younster. I'm pretty sure most folks would agree. So, I still don't see that as self esteem. I see that as reality.

Oh, and not lass...lassies. My H had the symptoms of a porn addiction.

Do I care? I guess on some level, in essence I want her to love me enough to never do this again. I like that she finds me sexy, but for a good hunk of our marriage that wasn't the message I got. It didn't bother me too much on that front. I didn't marry her because I thought she was the hottest thing on the planet physically. I married her because I liked her as a person. I never thought she married and loved me for my body. It's not a six-pack muscle body (those actually look a bit gross to me), but it isn't bad. I weigh 160-165 of late, but I'd expect her to love me just as much if I weighed 300. I've always felt she was sexy no matter how much she weighed. She probably thought I was being insincere, but I wasn't. To me it is being superficial to love someone primarily for their body.

I guess it goes back to what I said in the article. If you asked me to choose whether she thought I was sexy or not, naturally I'd chose that she likes and desires my body. But my self-esteem is not based on which one she does. And I don't want her self-esteem to be *based* on how much she likes my body or how much i like hers. Because if it is based on those things, there are plenty of good looking hunks out there that will look way more inciting to her than me, and I don't stand a chance. She would cheat again at some point if her self-esteem is tied into salivating over a man's body and having him salivate over her.

Cole: Nicely said. I agree. I feel the same way pretty much, always did. I guess it's a bit different confronting the issues I ran into. I mean that in regard to my xh, his behaviors were never that of loving anyone else, or even liking anyone else, his endeavors were strictly about uncommitted sex with anyone else willing...ha. My current h, in the same ballpark if not the leaque. I think the attitude is nearly the same, and the supporting thought process too. So, it's a bit weird to attempt to disentangle "just" attraction from the equation. That seems to be the gist of what I've encountered. You shared, "Because if it is based on those things, there are plenty of good looking hunks out there that will look way more inciting to her than me, and I don't stand a chance." I feel that way too. I've always believed that is true. That's why I've thought of my self-esteem from an entirely different arena than that. Those things, no matter how good looking a person is, do not last. The things I sought to foster in myself I feel are far more lasting. I can say that I've worked hard at being honest, acting with integrity, working hard toward valuable goals, offering care and comfort, being considerate, attempting fairness and balance, and lots of other similar internal skills. So, in that regard, I know that I've given a hearty effort to "be" a person that "I" can respect. I do respect those. I suppose that's why these other issues came as such a shock to me. Wow, yes, how very superficial? I understand it. I get it. But, wow? Really? I guess for some, life is all about the thrills? I get that too, though it is not an avenue I've ever chosen as a life. path.

be nice to see her get some self-esteem from keeping her word