Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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sarahb1985 08/30/2016

Well, I thought he had changed, thought reconciliation might be possible. I am once again a fool. I found out this weekend that my ex was still texting the OW as recent as a month ago. He even had her and her kid to his house on a day he was supposed to be with me but canceled last minute saying he was too tired. When I confronted him he got that fuzzy foggy look they get like they can't exactly remember. Can you believe he tried to tell me I should be okay with it because her kid was with her so obviously nothing happened. Except I saw the text she sent him that day about giving him blue balls and how she couldn't keep her hands to herself, tee hee hee. This was during the time we were trying to reconcile and had begun talking about moving back in Together. So obviously their interactions were not innocent. I did also find a text from her that came about a week later after he broke it off with her again to come back to me so he did break it off but I was left with that feeling of "yea you broke it off again but how long before you start the cycle all over and start up with her for the fifth time?"

So I told him I needed time to myself, he tried to tell me I needed to stop obsessing about her and that I was unstable due to my reaction to this, his whole "I can't even remember when this happened Sarah, what's the deal, are you going to throw every little thing I've done in my face constantly" bit. I am a fool and back to square one. Can't sleep, can't eat (I'm down to 100 pounds) and am having panic attacks again. I'm sorry to those of you that want to believe these cheaters can change but at this point I simply don't believe. People who can lie, deceive and manipulate the people in their lives they claim to love are incapable of change. Character doesn't work that way. Sorry guys but I'm beating myself up right now, I've gone from victim to volunteer at this point and the old story about picking up the scorpion Rings so true for me "you knew I was a scorpion when you picked me up, don't act surprised a stung you" Lesson learned.

mirandac 08/30/2016

Sarah take care of yourself, stay close to
Your therapist. Sending you gentle healing
Hugs.

gravinggirl 08/30/2016

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I agree that your ex is clearly not ready or willing to commit to one person and maintain boundaries. You are being reasonable and do not seem unstable.

Cole50 08/30/2016

As I said in another post, at some point staying becomes enabling his destructive behavior. Maybe when that threat becomes real, he'll have the motivation to seek help on how to change his inappropriate behaviors and get serious about reconciliation. Or maybe he won't. But in either case, you don't want to give him the green light that you'll put up with this on a regular basis without any consequences. I certainly wouldn't end your separation until you saw real and solid evidence that he's turning his life around. Right now, you have the leverage, which is why he's attempting to get you to let go of it all. If you haven't, I'd start making plans for an eventual exit, getting finances and how you'll handle it arranged. If he's not on a solid turn-around by then, you'll have to make the decision whether to execute it or not.

betrayedtodeath 08/30/2016

I am really sorry to read this. I know true reconciliations are practically unicorns out there. His actions prove he's not capable right now. Plus the foggy memory & gaslighting is awful for you. Get as much therapy as you need, put yourself first on the list. Take good care! Really sorry this is happening. Not your fault for being hopeful. But now you know where he's really at, although I'm sure there is little comfort in this knowledge.

sarahb1985 08/30/2016

There is little comfort in any of it, but there is great comfort in these forums. I didn't want to see or believe how truly sick, deceitful and manipulative he was until now. I've given it my all, trusted when I shouldn't have and I'm going to start to try and figure out what comes next.

workingtogetout 08/30/2016

As I sat in my misery, wondering what's next, I decided to check my email. There was a meet up site I signed up for about a year ago. I started scanning the different types of groups, and they have everything, from, travel to writing groups , beach walking, girls night out, hiking, etc. and I thought, what the heck am I doing searching for his extra phone, going through the Internet on sites like Spokeo, looking for phone numbers associated with my husbands name AND paying good money for finding out absolutely nothing. Even though I know in my gut he is never going to quit, I still search for proof of what I know is still going on. I've got to step away, get away, from this insanity and him and start enjoying my life again and pick back up where I left off with my goals.

workingtogetout 08/30/2016

I've lost 10 lbs effortlessly after finding out about my husbands infidelity. Panic attacks, nightmares. No one and I mean NO One has the right to do this to another person. It's just mean. If I had a friend that lied to me, said hurtful things to me, blew me off about something that hurt me to the depths of my soul by minimizing what happened, I wouldn't be their friend for long. So, why do we put up with it from our spouse? It's not easy getting out of a 37 year marriage. It had been gradual. But I will be out. And my timing will be brilliant.

sarahb1985 08/31/2016

It is unbelievable the energy we put into trying to confirm what we know. To think my ex could fool me yet AGAIN into believing he had changed and it was over with her only to find out he was playing us both is a punch to the gut. Now that I turned him away he's back to her , the only comfort is knowing he hasn't treated her any better than he has me. When I really think about it the whole time he was lying to me about his contact with her he was lying to her, so it's obviously not true love for her either , the only person he loves is himself. When I expose his ugliness he can't take it and runs away. She has only been doing this dance for a year so she is still in the "I'll keep my mouth shut to keep him near" phase. Wait until she's 15 years into this shit, the best years of her life are gone and that moment when she realizes he can walk away from her without a thought. That will be one dark bad day, not that I feel sorry for her in the least. She slept with my husband for almost a year before I found out, what kind of prince does she think he is? She's more stupid than I am, at least when I married him 15 years ago he was faithful and actually wanted a life with me, all she gets is being his sex thing. It is all so depraved and disgusting and dark.

betrayedtodeath 08/31/2016

No one here is happy to be here. The scope of this problem, the number of cheaters, the numbers of betrayed spouses, the content & easy access on the sex/hook up websites is mind blowing. I did some cat fishing on a hook up site and my email blew up with hundreds of sickos wanting meaningless sex, nude pics, web cam "dates". I live in a very rural State and am shocked at the number of males within 50 miles who took the bait. It was eye opening & depressing.

shoretimenow 09/06/2016

^ Yep.....been shocked by that myself, although I wouldn't classify them as sickos necessarily.
Sorry this ended this way Sarah......you always did have that sixth sense that is so powerful in each of us that never felt quite comfortable with the situation. You were right. Take that strength inside of yourself, learn to love yourself first again, and you will find someone who will value and treasure you.

sarahb1985 09/07/2016

Thanks Shoretimenow! Our sixth sense is powerful indeed!

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