It's a subject brought up many times and yes must people say they thought if it in a fantasy sort of way. I know i did. I was desperate in the first year for him to understand where I was coming from. What I was feeling. I even imagined telling him I did and letting it sink in before saying it wasn't true.

One time I gave a whole "imagine if" scinerio with details. It was a known imaginary story so I don't think it really went to his head. The best way forcs to understand us would be to come here in this room and read the pained posts from bs. The situations may all be different but the one constant is the deep effect the cheating had.

Even for those who have left their cs and are happily past the A experienced a profound effect. You don't end a marriage without pain or hurt. Toy don't seek out a support website for cheating unless it had a pretty huge impact on you.

The majority of cs on CA can't handle the anger expressed here. The drop in get offended and go running back to there comfort zone of support. . Here is where bs speak their mind express their heartache and vent away. Its like being a fly on the therapists wall.

I wish more cs had the strength to spend more time really reading and understanding what c their actions cause. I know nobody feels comfortable when facing such anger, especially when they have or are currently song the very thing that had caused it to their own spouse but still it would be great.

Like recovering addicts should visit babies born addicted, and see graves of those who didn't survive their addiction. The best healing IMO for any side comes from leaving our comfort zone. I personally owe the CA board for muchof my healing. While hard to swallow sometimes, reading their posts has given me insight.

Sorry for the ramble. I think i made some points or maybe I just rambled. Lol
Pardon any typos from auto "assume"/correct

I've done it.

Not the affair - I'm not ready to - but making him think I had a retaliatory affair by letting my phone beep constantly as if I'm in the middle of long text conversations; making it look like I hadn't been in the house all night or used the bed there while he was off having his own affair - stuff like that.

All it's done is make it easier for him to accept that it's over, which maybe isn't a bad thing - but I never really got that true emotional hurt response from him, that same one that I had felt. How could I? He was never as invested in the relationship as I was being the monogamous one, so he has less to lose.

Anyway, just saying that I understand the urge.

Thanks for the comments, I have been learning a lot from the CA board as well it is kind of tough for me to read but getting easier. It really does help getting out of our own comfort zone. It also really helps me see the other perspective. I do not comment at all hardly but I have read a lot.

I hadn't considered a revenge affair, and that was so I could say I remained faithful, honest, and true to my vows, all the way until the end. Also, it would've lowered me to his level, and I'm too good for that.

Me to justme, I want to always be able to say that I was faithful and kept our wedding vows intact. Funny thing is my wife was always the religious one out of the two of us before the affair. Now we are both a lot closer to God, but I have always held my vows to a very high standard and don't think I could ever not.

Thank you ever one for the comments.

Ironically, I think BSs tend to be at a high risk of having their own affairs. Reasons often listed:

1. We need to level the playing field.
2. You had your fun, now it is my turn.
3. Wanting the CS to feel what the BS feels.
4. Giving up on the marriage, but not willing to wait until divorce is finalized to find a new mate. In essence, an exit affair.

#1: Level the playing field amounts to lowering yourself to their level. It means thinking more about yourself than how those actions will hurt others, which is what they did and why you are suffering.

#2: Due to ignorance about how much an affair hurts the CS as well as the BS, they don't realize the little "fun" they'll get will cost them plenty, and likely end the marriage if there is any desire/hope of saving it.

#3: It doesn't really work that way. For many CSs, the guilt, regret, and knowing they hurt others are the biggest pains. When the BS has an affair on their CS, while it will give the CS some pain, they will tend to feel a little better about their own affair. Once you've done it, it relieves their guilt. They also feel they deserved it, so really they don't experience the same pain and outrage that a BS does having been blindsided by someone they thought they could trust.

#4: This can be a gray area at times. Emotionally, physically, socially, and even spiritually, the divorce may be final long before it legally is finalized. Before divorce papers are served, however, it is having an affair. While the above is true, legally it would be considered an affair if done before the divorce is legally finalized. In some states, that can be a problem if you violate your vows before being legally released from them. You're lawyer could tell you what legal consequences you'd have.

In the end, from a healing perspective, an affair is like a cancer. It destroys relationships and causes a lot of pain for all involved. The solution to healing it isn't to introduce more cancer into the relationship. That would be like a doctor telling a patient, "You've got breast cancer. We're going to level the playing field and let your colon in on the fun by giving it cancer, so your breast will know how it feels, since, hey, you're going to die anyway. Might as well speed it up."

Uh, I don't think so.

LIke most BS I have thought about it and fantasized about it but just as Justme said the main reason I didn't is because I want to remain true to myself and my vows. I dont really feel that I owe it to her to be faithful now but I feel that I have already lost a lot of my former self through this whole ordeal and having cheating myself would be be another big thing that would change, as previously I would have never had the slightest of a thought of such. The temptation is there, not so much for revenge, because I know that there is now way that a "revenge" affair could even began to match or offset her affairs, but just for the potential relief, enjoyment, understanding or whatever as I think there is no real revenge to come of this at least not in my situation.

My mom always said two wrongs don't make a right and I stick with that. I will not lower myself to that level. I am worth so much more than that

I agree with all that you guys/gals have said, I think that is why we don't choose that road. I have thought about it many times but if I ever feel the need to have an affair it wont be an affair because ironically I respect my wife enough to leave first but most of all I respect myself enough to leave first.
Thanks for the comments.

I have definitely thought about it and at one time wanted to have an affair but could never go through with it. Initially, I thought it would help me feel better as a person. I thought it would help me feel loved and worthy. Thankfully during my most vulnerable times there was never anyone interested in me to have an affair with. LOL It didn't help with my self esteem but now looking back I'm glad no one was interested in me because I probably would have gone through with it. Also, by not having an affair I can hold my head up high and be proud of myself of never stooping down to his deplorable level. I am definitely a better person than he and I will continue to work on being a better person for myself and my children.

Thank you for posting the discussion.

Having an affair requires quite a lot of time, thought and energy, and it's not the natural reaction for a betrayed spouse; if it were, I'd be concerned.

For quite a while after discovery day, the thought of being intimate with anyone can bring on an immediate gag reflex, removing any chances of composing oneself enough to lure someone into your trap; and like a drunk who reeks of booze, the betrayed spouse would reek of retribution.

Now, having a fantasy or private thoughts about an affair or a revenge fuck, can be quite soothing to the wound, and expressing such desires to your cheating spouse, whilst watching them wince and whimper, can have an equally gratifying effect.

And on those days when you find yourself sharpening your knives incessantly for no apparent reason, and feel the need to take it up a notch, leading them to believe you're still thinking about having one, can leave you with a delightfully warm and calming feeling.