I totally understand what you are feeling.

My DDay was 8/14/14. My CS was doing all the "right" things. I still felt something was missing. I had trouble identifying it, as my CS seemed authentic in his efforts. It almost made me feel like I was hanging on to resentment and not trying hard enough to "forgive".

I have read countless books, been here since almost day 1, read everyones opinions, tried many things, yeet that nagging little voice could not be stilled. Then it hit me. Why am I suggesting books, why am I in MC, why am I any part of this A, even to the point of "fixing" problems. The A took place because my CS has bad behaviors that led him to a feeling of entitlement and no concern for the fallout on our marriage.

I took the stance of...you broke it, you fix it. I stopped MC, I still work on me, as I go to IC, but not for the A. That is no part of me. I had NO part whatsoever in the cause of nor the action of the A.

My CS is in IC working on the deep rooted behaviors that led to the A. We are still together and hope to remain together. What does my life look like in the future? I do not know right now, but my hope is that he does , in fact, root out those behaviors and take a good hard look at how he could become involved in an A that disrespected my feelings and put our whole life together in jeopardy.

The books I read now are books that propel me to my own self worth, my own respect for myself and others and a strong sense of me. I, nor my CS, can be a partner if we are not first a separate person who respects and loves themselves and demands the same from a partner.

This is just what has given me a huge amount of peace and the feeling that I finally "get it" and now it is up to my CS to "get it".

I can understand where you are coming from. I didn't stay with my X, but I do know that the amount of respect I lost is a chasm that is too wide to cross.

I can only imagine it must be very hard for you in this situation.

I hope you find the support you need, friend.

Brother, I have been where you are. My DDay was a little over 2 years ago. I confronted my cheating wife on Christmas Day, 2012.

Know this: In general, when a wife cheats, the ability of the husband to recover is much, much harder than in those situations where a husband cheats on a wife. Statistically speaking, when a wife cheats, the couple is far more likely to divorce than when a husband cheats.

In my humble opinion, it is absolutely, perfectly understandable that your feelings vacillate so dramatically and that you are having an especially difficult time. I feel like my wife killed a central, fundamental part of me. She dumped weed killer on the gorgeous rose bush of our marriage. No matter how much I want to, or how hard I try, I cannot resurrect. So, I stopped trying to resurrect and, instead, started over. With my wife. I pulled out the dead rose bush and planted tulips.

In my humble opinion, yes, it can get better. You need to do two things: (1) "Forgive" your wife. To that end, I recommend you do a Google search on "forgiveness." You will find that the essence of forgiveness is about YOU and not about HER. It means making the deliberate decision to let go of your negative emotions and resentment, so that you can focus on more positive parts of your life. It does not mean forgetting, excusing, or absolving your wife. It means not letting yesterday spoil YOUR tomorrow. It can be a long process but will, ultimately, yield great peace.

And (2): Stop thinking in terms of "what used to be." That was in the days before yesterday. And those days are gone. Instead, fall in love with the person your wife is TODAY. If you didn't know about her past, would she be the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with? Start anew. Reboot. Rebuild the foundation of your marriage from the ground up.

Best of luck to you.

Totally understand where you are - been there before and here again now. H cheated more than a year ago and just discovered another affair this last week. I don't know if I had fully been able to achieve a sense of respect for him during that first year as we worked on trying to fix our marriage - don't know how much more damage has been done seeing where we are now. I think respect and trust are the hardest things to find again - last time I could see other good things about him to like and appreciate but feeling respect for him really wasn't one of them. Struggling with a sense that you are not respecting yourself by staying with someone you don't respect is definitely something I understand too. I often wonder if he would have stuck by me the way I am trying to stick by him. The feeling of being a doormat can be pretty devastating.
I think Mr Cellophane's advice about falling in love with who she is now is probably really good - and something i probably need to try myself.
Good luck

Same boat Brother.
Everything is so good but it hangs out there. I FEEL WEAK for not being able to channel it.
I feel like I am not strong enough or big enough to get over it...
But... I am ready to make a change if it is the best thing for me and if it helps her too.... then better.... I do love her.
Sad state of business and i know yiu hate beibg where yiu are as much as I do.
"I wish I could wake up with amnesia"