Its hard to say. I lived years suspecting the was an A orior to d day. Dday for me was confirmation that I wasnt crazy. In the weeks that followed he was so humble and remorseful and working so hard at reconciling that I was drawn to him but we only hugged and kissed. I believe it took about 2 months before there was sex. When that door opened it was crazy because I wanted to be close to him a lot. Its been referred to as "hysterical bonding". Kind of a too close too soon as a coping mechanism. My initial avoidance for sex was for 2 reasons, 1 was testing for disease And the other was I was confused and felt I shouldn't want it or that he didn't deserve me jumping right back in the sack. It was very confusing.

If your not ready and you want him to get tested that's ok. This has to be at your pace. I'm glad he apologized for being dicky.

When I found out I went running to the Dr. I told my H he needed to go get tested & he did. Yes he used protection but I needed to know that there were no STDs. That was a must for me.
I would say pinkponys to fast to soon sounds like my reaction as well. I would say if you are not ready you should wait just talk to him & tell him you need more time.
I think for me my comfort comes & goes depending on my day.

if you don't feel it, don't give in because he wants it.
Some couples counselors will say that forcing yourself to have the intimacy is part of the healing. but I found that not to be true. It has been a couple years since DDay, and the few times we have been intimate, just have not felt right at all. it felt like I was just going through the motions and I knew the only reason I was doing it was because she begged for it.
Some people have found that their marriages have gotten so much stronger and better when you do not focus on the sex and intimacy.

I would think twice about believing the "we used protection" thing. I've posted that question over at CA and mostly they all say they didn't.

I hope that I will not offend anyone here by providing the CS perspective. As a woman who gave in to sex with my BS in order to keep the peace prior to the affair, I have found it very difficult to be intimate with my H after the affair. The first time that we did have sex after Dday was awkward and emotionally charged. I could not relax and had to disassociate in order to participate. The 2nd time was after many weeks of fighting and was used to release stress on our parts. After that, we separated. Even though we are attempting to reconcile, I am still unable to be sexual with him. There is a distance between us emotionally and I don't know how to bridge that gap. My H wants to move forward in this department but I don't feel the connection. He kissed me the other day and I couldn't bare it: I cried.

Teacher37: that is exactly how I have felt. I have not felt the connection with her. However we have not separated. we have worked on other areas of the relationship to make it worthwhile not separating.

JustDrifting - Not every strong relationship requires sex or intimacy. The Rebuilding comes from the base core of communication and trusting the other person. As a CS I am sure you should be able to understand that the sex you think you needed at the time really was not worth it in the end.

We get married to a person because we are connected emotionally. This is a process, affection, intimacy and sex... You don't get the last unless you have the first two.
If you don't want to eventually be intimate with you spouse EVER AGAIN, why are you married? You could find a roommate or at least someone you are friends with.
If you are not meeting your spouses emotional need it will never progress to romantic love. If you say you are "working" and are not actually doing any work, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Being irritated with your spouse because they want sex is sad, this is an opportunity for learning for you both...
1. Why do you want to have sex?
2. What would it take for me to want to have sex?
3. Are both of your emotional need being met by one another?
Open the dialogue, saying just no it's too soon. Doesn't work on, how can we reconnect emotionally enough to be affectionate and intimate and eventually have sex...
Spend time together! No kids, no phones, find things to do that encourage conversation. I don't mean 1 hour a week watching a movie... I am talking 15+ hours a week have significant alone time. You can go golfing, dinner, listen to music, walking, hiking, tennis, art class, cooking classes, try something new... Saying you can't is an excuse and you are really not wanting to try... Because you never thought you or your spouse had time for and A. But it happened, there was enough time spent to create romantic love. If you invested that kind of time in you marriage you could find yourself wanting to reconnect sexually with your spouse. obviously sex is important enough for a spouse to cheat, if it want important BS wouldn't be so upset that their spouse was fining it somewhere else.

CaliRN13 - there is so much more to a relationship other than sex. there is the time, there is the communication, and there is the trust.
I agree a perfect couple should spend 15 or more hours a week with eachother. but in my case we are perfectly happy not. When my significant other is not working, She is addicted to her phone, her tv and her books. I am a avid athlete who coaches our kids sports and take care of all their school responsibilities aside from working as well.
To answer your 3 questions:
1) unlike most men I do not want sex for the purpose of having sex. if I am going to have sex, it is going to be beause we both have gotten to the point where we both will get the enjoyment and satisfaction out of it.
2)what would it take for me to want sex? nothing she is willing to do. the guy she had her affair with liked her to be large, and she has put on a ton of weight and expected that I be ok with it because he would like her that way. and unfortunantly that is not something I am ok with. And she would have to actually want to spend time with me and the kids rather than her tv and books and phone. She would have to accept her portion of responsibility in her affair, and she would have to be willing to do her share of work into the repair of the relationship.
3)Yes both of our emotional needs are being meet we have spent a fair amount of time focusing on the fact that she needs to have things the way they are and I have had to come to terms to accept that.

Distancemj you lost the point... Sexual intimacy may not be one of your emotional needs, but it may be your W. The questions you answered were not for you to answer to me... Those are questions for you and your W to answer together. Some peoples most important emotional needs may not be yours. You and your W will have different needs. If you are not meeting them, you will never move from where you are right now.
And no the perfect couple does not spend 15+ hours a week together. The couple that is desperately trying to make it work does. I didn't want to spend any time with my H. But I forced myself.. At first it was awful, very quiet .. Little by little, we talked about the kids, work, school, things we would like to do.. Ect.. We are 9 months post DDay, we are working.. Spending 15+ hours a week together.. It may be just walking through the neighborhood talking about our day for a couple hours. No deep conversation, just being together not fighting, no phones.
Wish you well

Overwhelm... I've been waiting for someone to touch on this subject for awhile, so thanks. My H and I are at this for a little over a year now and I often wonder if I've handled this part of the recovery the right way. My marriage barely took a hit in this department because I believed that if I withheld, it would only make things worse and I know this is going to sound crazy maybe, but it seemed like it was the only time I was able to block out out what he did, I know I said CRAZY! Also I became more sexual, not right away, but not to long after. I've been trying to go with the flow as best as possible. CaliRN13 you sound like a page out of Dr Harley's book. Been there done that. I've even been a caller. A lot of it makes sense, don't get me wrong but not everyone can apply a concept or put someone else's advise to work. We are all different in the way we handle our own situations. Distancemj I agree, not everyone has 15 hours a week to spare depending on their schedules. You make the most with what you have as a couple. Unfortunately sometimes your best isn't enough.

You are right, our MC suggested these concepts... Then she told us to read a couple things... His Brain Her Brain by Dr Larimore was scientificlly the best book.. However Dr Harley's material helped us get to where we are today.. We are in love. Not the I care for your wellbeing kind of love... The texting all day, can't wait to see you, lets run away for the weekend kind of love. For those still struggling after years and years, need to find a different solution. What works for one will not work for everyone. It's been 1 1/2 years since d-day. I have the marriage I've always wanted.