I feel your pain... I too am the one guilty of destroying the person I love the most. I cannot say what I was thinking, I got caught up
In something that at the time I could justify, now I just want to die. How could I have been so selfish and stupid? I have been with my husband for 13 years, since we were 15. Married for 8, and I cheated. I told him about it 2 months ago and we actually were on a fast track to recovery. He was angry and hurt but swore he would never leave me and that we would make this work. 2 days ago something changed. )3 became cold is unsure of if we will make it. He refuses counseling. I am so scared, so mad at myself, so sorry for how I have hurt him. Tell me a little about your story... I think it might help to have a friend

2 months is nothing, strong anger will set in in a couple months, be ready the resentment and anger get a lot worse for the betrayed spouse.....you are looking at a long journey of 3-5 years easily....if you cant handle it then dont waste his life any more than you already have

I had an affair after about 17 years of marriage. My husband is actually fairly "okay" with me at this point, and we are interacting well, but I can't seem to move past the guilt and shame. I saw my best friend last night, and she said every time she has seen me for a year, the weight of my shame is palpable. She says my face, the way I hold myself, everything I say and how I say it has been affected.

All I can recommend is therapy. When you are so ashamed that you are barely alive, you can hardly be a supportive spouse to your BS.

Also, be aware that on some support boards, you will run into strangers who tell you that you're terrible, you deserve this, you must have a personality disorder or no morals, etc. Don't let it derail you from your path, which is to recover and grow from something you can't undo and present yourself to your BS (or a future partner, if your marriage ends) as a healthy, whole, and reliable person.

Individual counseling is a good idea to figure out why you "stepped out of your marriage". You also need to know what your behavior has done to your betrayed spouse. The betrayal, anger and grief is unimaginable to the non-betrayed people in the world. The one person the BS counted on and who held their heart & soul treated this precious gift like garbage, without a care in the world about the BS in that moment. Regret after the fact, sure. Restraint, empathy towards your spouse and honoring the vows of marriage in the face of temptation, not so much. You may find more support over at the Cheaters Anonymous board on DS.

well said betrayedtodeath.....right on point.

gravinggirl, you are making it too much about you and not about your betrayed spouse. you made all the decisions to step out and you have to learn why and how to live with those decisions, they were your decisions and only yours. I dont think all cheaters are bad people or have personality disorders, but they all seem to like quick rewards and enjoy others attention, it seems a common trait, in most cases going back to childhood issues.

I think GravingGirl, as a CS, has a viewpoint and a commiseration that many of us CS's need.
I don't think she is making about herself at all.....
Whereas it certainly is about the BS and helping him or her healing process, it is also about fixing the marriage---both of you, two people are the marriage- meaning, it is also fixing what occurred in the CS to figure out why these behaviors happened and what can or cannot be done including to develop tools so they do not happen again. The BS needs to be in that loop also.

Daisy and Confused, there is a board on DS: Cheaters Anonymous. Whereas, the Infidelity Board is home to many betrayed spouses whose betrayal is very raw.....the CA board is home to us that were Cheaters or are still...trying to navigate the uncertainty and vast emotion that surfaces with our behaviors. We get it, we've been there.

Hi there.... this is my first time on this site and I came across it as I am DESPERATE for some help and support. I too am the "cheater." My husband cheated on me during our engagement and I didn't find out about it until our first child was 9 months old and we were a year and a half into our marriage. The pain has been in my heart every day since and I SWORE I would never be someone to do that. Well, I guess there is a reason there is a saying of "never say never." I recently reconnected with my HS boyfriend who came along at a time where I was feeling inadequiate in every aspect of my life. My marriage was fine but not great and all of a sudden I found that when I talked with this person he made me feel happy, alive, attractive, etc. Well, I got sucked in and we ended up being intimate with one another. I have kept this a secret from my spouse until this past weekend when I learned his wife found out. I was so fearful of her reaching out to tell him to hurt me back (which I would deserve) so I had to finally break the news. The past two days have been the worst in my life! I thought the pain I experienced when I had been cheated on was bad???? HA! That was NOTHING compared to this. I can't eat, I can't sleep, it takes every single ounce of my being to even get up out of bed to fake being okay in front of the kids to get them to school. I truly want to die and feel like my family would be better off without me! The kids are going to have know their mother betrayed their father and didn't uphold her values of being an honest and loving person. They will know I am the reason they lives have been ripped apart, and I'm the person who is suppose to protect them from everything I can. I don't know what to do. I'm not actually suicidal and I do know that if I got to a point where I was contemplating hurting myself I would get help... but I also feel like THAT would be selfish. How dare me make this about ME when my spouse is hurting and is angry and confused. AGGGGG. This truly is the most agonizing thing and I don't wish it upon my worst enemy!!!!!!!

omg I feel your pain I am 9 months into my D-day and I look a my husband and want to die when I see the pain in his eyes , the betrayal has destroyed him I sometimes think the only way to deal with this shame and guilt is to kill myself and end it all once and for all , he initially was understanding and wanted o work at our marriage but these past 2mnths hes had been cold, distance and withdrawn almost like hes given up. it kills me him in such deep thoughts and pain

If I sound like I am making recovery too much about myself, it's because I believe each of us holds the key to our own emotional well-being and cannot make someone else okay. The CS can and absolutely should be remorseful, supportive, and transparent with the BS. However, that doesn't guarantee the BS will recover, it doesn't address what led the CS to the affair in the first place, and it doesn't get the CS through the massive shame of it all to a place where a healthy relationship with anyone is even possible. The CS has to do that recovery work. It's the only thing the CS can control.

gravinggirl, I agree with everything you say but the CS must be strong and committed to help the BS with everything they need....a weeping remorseful CS alone cant do much unless they gather the inner strength, even with their shame and pain, and give everything they can to help heal the BS....

Stop spamming our boards a-hole.