Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello. I'm BRAND NEW tot his site but old news when it comes to be being the wife that discovered her husband had an affair. Since before we said our "I DO's" he was already talking to another woman. I was in love, trusting and at the age of 28, ready to settle down and make my home. Shortly after we were married, I noticed things took a turn. He stopped answering my texts and calls during work (or would respond hours later), he stopped the intimacy and although I saw a change, I didn't quite know what was happening so I didn't pry or "dig." 5 months into our marriage, I receive an email from angry ex telling me they had been having sex this whole time with the hope he would leave me. When he never did, she exposed him to me. I stuck around but finally left & separated about 5 months later. I came back when I found out I was pregnant with our first child. (Sidenote: I was told I would never have kids so we started infertility treatments early on in our marriage but decided to stop with the treatments after this happened.) He was a VERY good liar and what kept me "happy" was that it was simply an emotional affair. That she wanted him and not the other way around. He was simply keeping her quiet by responding to her messages because he knew what she was capable of. She provided me with digital images of their text conversation and he denied everything...even speaking with her, until he finally confessed to the communication. But ONLY that. Also, he said not really knowing how I would respond kept him from telling me. 6 years later here we are. Still grieving only because the emotional affairs have continued to happen one way or another. Now, they are from people at his work, neighbors or even Craigslist strangers (I found the Craigslist emails when I was pregnant with my 2nd child).
I have felt stuck now for so long. I quit my job when I was halfway into my first pregnancy because I was having difficulties and was hospitalized for 2 months for pre term labor (pretty sure the stress of the first affair had a lot do with this.) I had not been working for 5 years so I felt I couldn't leave. We now have 2 beautiful children, but other than that, there is no love left for him. The fact that they have simply been described as emotional make me feel like I can forgive easier and stick around, but the pain and wounds are still open because they keep on getting reopened from the next coming affair. I'm at the point of divorce now. Since last year, he has been diagnosed with PTSD from his work and even has made suicidal and homocidal threats to me. The police were called but I've always taken him back. I had to have him hospitalized in a mental institution this past Thanksgiving because I was afraid for my life and my kids lives when he kept threatening to take his life because at the other time he did that, he threatened to "take you with me." I sound so stupid writing this, but it's amazing the stories you tell yourself to ease your own pain. He is now on medication and doing a lot better mentally. However, I'm still emotionally wounded and scarred. He says he wants to make this work. That he's a changed man and willing to show me that, but he says this every time he gets caught or I'm ready to leave him.
Enough has been enough and I know I'm serious because I even went to visit with a divorce lawyer. I'm looking for jobs because being a single mom is not going to be easy and I have to move out of our home. I know I won't be able to afford continuing to live here. My question is for those that are divorced, When was your moment that you realized you had to leave? It's ridiculously hard for me to turn in those papers to my lawyer. I have them all filled out but I find I keep making excuses everyday as if I'm not ready. I know the love is dead. I'm just afraid of venturing out alone with 2 girls. I'm afraid of what the future has for me and if and how I'll survive. I know marriage is never easy, but I also know it shouldn't have to be this hard. I know for a fact I would have left a lot sooner if I didn't have kids but I'm still here because breaking apart this family is going to tear me at my soul. But I know I didn't tear apart this family...he chose to do this.
Question: Should I believe this is just emotional?
I feel so emotionally and mentally weak. I am not the same person I was 6 years ago. I feel so battered with self esteem is that lower the floor I'm standing on. If this was my daughter, I would tell her to run for the hills and that I would do whatever it took to help her get back on her feet. Why can't I do that for myself? I feel so scared to make a move. Please help.
****Please no negative comments. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.*****
I have felt stuck now for so long. I quit my job when I was halfway into my first pregnancy because I was having difficulties and was hospitalized for 2 months for pre term labor (pretty sure the stress of the first affair had a lot do with this.) I had not been working for 5 years so I felt I couldn't leave. We now have 2 beautiful children, but other than that, there is no love left for him. The fact that they have simply been described as emotional make me feel like I can forgive easier and stick around, but the pain and wounds are still open because they keep on getting reopened from the next coming affair. I'm at the point of divorce now. Since last year, he has been diagnosed with PTSD from his work and even has made suicidal and homocidal threats to me. The police were called but I've always taken him back. I had to have him hospitalized in a mental institution this past Thanksgiving because I was afraid for my life and my kids lives when he kept threatening to take his life because at the other time he did that, he threatened to "take you with me." I sound so stupid writing this, but it's amazing the stories you tell yourself to ease your own pain. He is now on medication and doing a lot better mentally. However, I'm still emotionally wounded and scarred. He says he wants to make this work. That he's a changed man and willing to show me that, but he says this every time he gets caught or I'm ready to leave him.
Enough has been enough and I know I'm serious because I even went to visit with a divorce lawyer. I'm looking for jobs because being a single mom is not going to be easy and I have to move out of our home. I know I won't be able to afford continuing to live here. My question is for those that are divorced, When was your moment that you realized you had to leave? It's ridiculously hard for me to turn in those papers to my lawyer. I have them all filled out but I find I keep making excuses everyday as if I'm not ready. I know the love is dead. I'm just afraid of venturing out alone with 2 girls. I'm afraid of what the future has for me and if and how I'll survive. I know marriage is never easy, but I also know it shouldn't have to be this hard. I know for a fact I would have left a lot sooner if I didn't have kids but I'm still here because breaking apart this family is going to tear me at my soul. But I know I didn't tear apart this family...he chose to do this.
Question: Should I believe this is just emotional?
I feel so emotionally and mentally weak. I am not the same person I was 6 years ago. I feel so battered with self esteem is that lower the floor I'm standing on. If this was my daughter, I would tell her to run for the hills and that I would do whatever it took to help her get back on her feet. Why can't I do that for myself? I feel so scared to make a move. Please help.
****Please no negative comments. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.*****
Think about your kids, do you want to leave them in this situation so they learn the same behavior? I doubt that.
Lots and lots of Moms raise kids alone. No, it isn't easy, but your kids living in fear can't be easy for them, either.
You are in the very epicenter of the hurricane of your life. But rest assured, with time (and probably not all that much time) you will gain perspective. And I promise that you will say "Leaving him was the best decision I've ever made."
Your question was "Should I believe this is just emotional?" It is a valid question, but I think you need to break free from your husband regardless of the answer. Emotional affairs can be every bit as damaging as physical affairs. For what it is worth, my sense is that it is HIGHLY unlikely that your husband has merely had "emotional affairs." I would wager dollars to donuts that he has had multiple physical affairs. Cheaters only cop to the bare minimum of what it takes to mollify their spouse.
Best of luck to you.
second, i want to answer your question: "My question is for those that are divorced, When was your moment that you realized you had to leave?" my divorce isn't final yet but there is no going back for me. i will try to spare you my lengthy story here, but my soon-to-be-EX-husband (stbxh) was cheating on me with 2 different women when i discovered his affairs. after a separation i did take him back to try to reconcile. however, he ended up leaving myself and our then 14 month old son one day. he tried to get me to take him back after that, but i was done. i also didnt trust him, and i had made him give me all passwords as a condition of the first reconciliation. so when he tried to get me back again, i logged into his Facebook and found private messages to more than one woman, some he knew and some he didnt, telling them he was "separated and trying to go after things that make me happy." there was no evidence that anyone had taken him up on this or was going to, nor was there evidence that he'd done any of this prior to leaving me and our son. however seeing that was like a slap in the face: he was texting me and calling saying how much he wanted to come back, loved us, would do anything, etc. yet behind my back, was trying to drum up some other woman. idk if it was "just in case" i didnt take him back, as he claimed when i confronted him, or if he was planning to carry on with them regardless. but it just struck me as inappropriate, unloving, disrespectful, and not the kind of man i wanted to stay married. to.
should you believe this is "just emotional?" well, first, in all honesty, no, i wouldn't believe it has not gone physical. most cheaters will only admit to what they know that you already know, not more. you described how hard it was to get him to admit to what you were already told by his OW/AP (other-woman/affair partner). That alone tells me that he's chosen to give you "trickle truth." again, i went through this with my CS: i found text messages, and they were irrefutable. i knew one of the OW, so i called her. she told me what had happened. but he did not admit one bit of it, even went so far as to sling insults about the OW's, until i quoted from the texts to him. so yes i'm reading into your situation and i apologize for that, but that's how i see it, having been there myself.
also, i feel that even if he never touched another woman, an "emotional affair" is just as bad as a physical one. for what we set out to do in our hearts is where our body eventually follows. and, talking sex with someone outside of your committed relationship IS cheating. unless you have an open marriage and he knew that you are ok with him sexting with someone else, then it is cheating.
has it been easy being a single mom for the past almost year? yes and no. i mean, it is really hard, especially because my son is still a baby and my stbxh is not involved with him at all, barely pays any support, only sees him for about 45 min a week with my mom there, etc. however, it is easier knowing i am free from his nonsense. like you, i was definitely emotionally abused and manipulated. being free of that is wonderful. and as hard as it is to solo-parent, i feel really blessed that he actually isn't fighting to see the baby more or to see him alone, because i don't trust him at all and would be beside myself if he was allowed to be alone with him. it's his loss that he choses not to see our incredible son.
be strong. the thing is, you, like me, are in a situation that is bad already, and will only get worse if you do nothing. so as hard as it feels to do something, that is the ONLY way it will get better. and i have to say, it is exponentially better for me and my son now. my stbxh, well, sadly to say he is much worse off, but that is by his own bad choices and i do not feel bad about that because as i say he has chosen the path he is now on.
i hope you don't feel this is "negative." i am just sharing with you part of the road i've already been down, b/c unfortunately your H sounds a lot like my stbxh. i know when i first came here, it helped me a lot to hear from others who'd been in my shoes. the Divorce/Breakup group has also been a godsend, and many there are still just contemplating as you are. big hugs and lots of support to you in this trying time.
(((HUGS)))
Another reason for leaving is definitely my girls. He treats them like stepchildren and not like his own. He's very short tempered and I don't want him to give them the treatment they feel they deserve from men when they get older. And If I stay, what am I showing them about how men should treat women?
Thank you MrCellophane. I agree with that sentence about what we tell ourselves to ease our own pain. I've given myself my own lies to just to keep myself moving forward in the marriage because I felt I couldn't continue without him. If I were to ask myself what my gut tells me about the affairs, my gut says they were physical. I feel he will take that lie that to his grave......
I feel really dumb for having believed him from the first affair. He even led me to believe she used an app called "ghost text" that allowed you you to time stamp, create a message and even use a CB# and send it to your phone. making it look like it came from a specific person. The time stamps of her digital images matched the time stamp on my Verizon records. She even knew of the tattoo he got AFTER he left her and even described it to a T. She lived about 5 miles from where we first lived so she was on his way home and when I checked his weekly report that had his check in/check out times for work, each and every night she reported he went over and they slept together, was exactly the days he would come home late. His response? "We talked so much she knew when I was coming home and that's the day she would say we were together. I can't believe I believed all that......Hindsight is better than 20/20
i like your friend's statement: "Whats better? Having kids living in broken homes or coming from one?" i really believe this is true.