Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I'm there....at that point where I can no longer exist like this & I finally put it to words.I also read front to back " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and it was so validating! One thing I know for sure is that I need to move on, whether it be healing together or healing alone, so I decided to write a letter. Would really apprecite any and all input as I am ready for the next step....whatever it may be!:
Dear _____,
It has been 5months & 11 days since I found out you had sex with a prostitute. You had sex with a prostitute!!! Still is so surreal & raw for me to say it! I heard you say " I'm sorry", "i will make it up to you for the rest of our lives", and I believe you believe yourself! You've stopped looking at porn as far as I know but have you really faced your demons? Have you been truly honest to me & to yourself? You say you want to make things better. How do you propose we do that? Do you even realize the depth of the damage your infidelity has caused me?
You told me you started going to massage parlors when I was struggling emotionally with my daughter's teen pregnancy. Maybe that's why you suffered from DDD! (dead dick disease, sorry) You were able to get it up for a whore but not the one you claim to love. Seems to me you are morally bankrupt! You do not like to face issues concerning any emotional turmoil. Maybe you do it for an ego boost? I think you know why you do it but do not want to face the truth!
You did it again this past Spring & then proceeded to propose??? Do you know how warped that is? _____, I know you love me and I know you love the kids but at what point are you going to face the fact that for you, love is not enough! You have been unfaithful your entire adult life. Don't you want to know why? Something is very wrong and you don't want to face it.
I'm so sad, so broken down & I don't have the strength anymore. It's time for you to take accountability for your actions if you want to repair our relationship and also heal yourself. You have thus far made a haphazard attempt at rebuilding our relationship & re-establishing trust. In fact, I believe the only attempt from you has been purely sexual.
Please be honest with not only me but yourself too, if this is the best you can do or are willing to do, then it is truly time to walk away! It is unfair to both of us to continue destructive behaviour & prolong the inevitable!
When I think of what L & A (sister & her husband) are going through and the road that lies ahead for them, it is unimaginable sadness & I WILL be there to see them through! Where will you be???? Will you run again to avoid emotion, to hurt & betray me again? It is so sad that I have already thought about that. I would rather travel that journey alone & not have those thoughts tainting my head.
I am going to heal, I will get through this! At this point the only question is, will we heal together or will we heal on our own? If you chose to leave, I accept it! I will not fight! If you choose to stay, & in doing so you will seek professional help for your addiction and make it your priority to be honest to yourself & to rebuild the beauty of "us", I will support you & work hard to let go of the past so we may have a new future!
Either way, you know how very much I love you & always will! I will love you through this or I will love you from a distance, either way I can hate what you did but I just can't stop loving you!
I am not going to make this decision! It has to be you! You knew what you were doing and only YOU know what you want going forward! I do not want to talk, fight or argue ANYMORE! What's done is done and it is time to move forward either way. Just please give me the decency & dignity of knowing! I would rather be alone than face this form of betrayal ever again! IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME FIDELTITY, THAN LET ME GO!
Dear _____,
It has been 5months & 11 days since I found out you had sex with a prostitute. You had sex with a prostitute!!! Still is so surreal & raw for me to say it! I heard you say " I'm sorry", "i will make it up to you for the rest of our lives", and I believe you believe yourself! You've stopped looking at porn as far as I know but have you really faced your demons? Have you been truly honest to me & to yourself? You say you want to make things better. How do you propose we do that? Do you even realize the depth of the damage your infidelity has caused me?
You told me you started going to massage parlors when I was struggling emotionally with my daughter's teen pregnancy. Maybe that's why you suffered from DDD! (dead dick disease, sorry) You were able to get it up for a whore but not the one you claim to love. Seems to me you are morally bankrupt! You do not like to face issues concerning any emotional turmoil. Maybe you do it for an ego boost? I think you know why you do it but do not want to face the truth!
You did it again this past Spring & then proceeded to propose??? Do you know how warped that is? _____, I know you love me and I know you love the kids but at what point are you going to face the fact that for you, love is not enough! You have been unfaithful your entire adult life. Don't you want to know why? Something is very wrong and you don't want to face it.
I'm so sad, so broken down & I don't have the strength anymore. It's time for you to take accountability for your actions if you want to repair our relationship and also heal yourself. You have thus far made a haphazard attempt at rebuilding our relationship & re-establishing trust. In fact, I believe the only attempt from you has been purely sexual.
Please be honest with not only me but yourself too, if this is the best you can do or are willing to do, then it is truly time to walk away! It is unfair to both of us to continue destructive behaviour & prolong the inevitable!
When I think of what L & A (sister & her husband) are going through and the road that lies ahead for them, it is unimaginable sadness & I WILL be there to see them through! Where will you be???? Will you run again to avoid emotion, to hurt & betray me again? It is so sad that I have already thought about that. I would rather travel that journey alone & not have those thoughts tainting my head.
I am going to heal, I will get through this! At this point the only question is, will we heal together or will we heal on our own? If you chose to leave, I accept it! I will not fight! If you choose to stay, & in doing so you will seek professional help for your addiction and make it your priority to be honest to yourself & to rebuild the beauty of "us", I will support you & work hard to let go of the past so we may have a new future!
Either way, you know how very much I love you & always will! I will love you through this or I will love you from a distance, either way I can hate what you did but I just can't stop loving you!
I am not going to make this decision! It has to be you! You knew what you were doing and only YOU know what you want going forward! I do not want to talk, fight or argue ANYMORE! What's done is done and it is time to move forward either way. Just please give me the decency & dignity of knowing! I would rather be alone than face this form of betrayal ever again! IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ME FIDELTITY, THAN LET ME GO!
I have to ask first.. what do you want out of this letter? cause you are blasting him and he can see that - but I also see out of blasting that you care so blasting to me = you may still have a chance. Is that what you want to display?
what do you want from him?
I can hate what you did but I just can't stop loving you!
That to me is saying - ok u did some crazytown/happiness via sin stuff - but I accept it. Are you drawing a line in the sand?
How many kids do you have if any? how long have you been married? is this his first time?
I need to tell you it also made a great impression on my husband. Granted he was very willing, so it was a tool to help him understand how to help. Perhaps it would be easier for your husband to hear it from somebody else?
I would also like to share with you a wonderful advice that my best friend (and a psychoterapist) gave me a couple of days after DDay. She told me, that whenever I talk to my husband I should focus on my pain instead of his wrong doings. It is instead of saying "how could you do this to me" say "I am in so much pain". Instead of saying "I hate you" say "I am so scared".
Of course I have not idea how much your husband is commited to repair and rebuild. But since you are, you have a chance to do the best there is possible to give you the best chance for it.
There is so much pain in your letter. I feel for you and am so sorry you are going through this :-(.
Good luck!
I have started to do some edits if you wish I can continue.
Sincerely - You have broken our trust and helped to crush major dreams I have held for us two - being innocent lovers for the rest of our lives.
It has been 5 months & 11 days since I discovered the situation between you and someone who could bring pain/disease/mistrust/heart ship into our lives .
I do not need to state that obvious with you about your deeds this could very well turn out to be your legacy in life. The reality of this situation for me is surreal and very raw. You were the only person be able to trust over anyone on this earth and have the knowledge that you would protect me and cherish me to save guard our love.
The words I am sorry are unfortunately hitting my numb ears What thoughts ran through your mind before during and after this situation? How can you make this up to me? How could anyone make this up to anyone? You have just stabbed me in my heart where there was once peace and happiness.
Your demons and brokenness are what needs to be addressed what I need to hear from you is your plan of attack what it is specifically on how you are to address these major transgressions.
I hope you have looked in the mirror and I hope your reflection is currently is something you too feels needs to be fixed. I do love you but my love and heart can only bare so much I will not allow my children to be exposed to these sorts of actions by a man that has told me he loves me. If you need time to figure out yourself then perhaps that is best.
I'm so sad, so broken down & I don't have the strength anymore. It's time for you to take accountability for your actions if you want to repair our relationship and also heal yourself. You have thus far made a haphazard attempt at rebuilding our relationship &
I have been reading at this site since 2008. In that time I have seen that if the cheater is not fully committed; therapy, counseling, full disclosure and accountability ...... that all that happens is getting over the situation .. until the next massive betrayal.
He must be all about making it right and making it better.... ir you will just be sorry you trusted in and invested in him again.
For what it is worth.... I have not seen it work any other way.
His decision to change and man up is not part of the matter.. it is the heart of the matter and the only hope for your relationship.
I hope for all the best for you.