Maybe you should tell your MC how u feel. I have been reading "Not Just friends" because it was recommended so highly on here, and though i find it helpful, its also very hurtful to read. I think it took me days to just get through the first chapter. I don't know if I will ever finish the book as it upsets me each time I pick it up.

I have read that one also, but this one...I just keep getting the feeling that the writer is trying to validate why the betrayer has the affair by making it something about the "hurt partner". My tendency is to get mad as I read this book.

I fully intend to let our nice, little counselor know my feelings about it. I don't think this counselor is right for us, considering she blew me off when I told her that I had already read "Not Just Friends". She said that book is ok but this one is better...I beg to differ!!!

I avoided this book because when I read the reviews on it, I think the majority said just what you did about it. So, no, apparently you are not alone. I have "Not Just Friends" but have not read the whole thing. I've kind of skipped around and actually haven't even picked it up in awhile. Not sure I have found it very helpful for me, but others call it their "bible".

Definitely tell your counselor, and don't read the damn thing if it's not helping you. Screw that!

Hello slwaite
Write down what phrases you're not happy about and why and discuss this with your Counsellor.
I read NOt Just Friends and there was a part there that suggested that we as the betrayed should ask our partner what he liked that the OP did. Grrrr I felt so angry when I read that. It's okay not to agree with all another person has written; your views are just as valid and don't forget this.
I take from books what is suitable to me but I certainly don't agree with everything in them.

I read this book and got the same feelings! There are a lot of those books out there. I walked away feeling like I needed to do all the work... and he was to sit and listen... but that I was more at fault and to blame. The majority of the work has indeed fallen on my shoulders at this point... and no end in sight. I work and he goes on living just like yesterday... only minus the girlfriend.

I think the most difficult part of rebuiding after infidelity is the close scrutiny of the relationship before the affair occurred. All relationships have problems. All relationships go through phases especially those that are long term relationships. There were issues, definately but these issues did not CAUSE the affair and the betrayed did not MAKE the cheater choose to cheat, no matter what or how serious those issues are.
In my case we had trouble communicating on a deeper level. I was afraid of my ex's temper and closed mindedness about things. His moods were taken out on everyone. Him, well I can't speak for him, but in the aftermath I beleive he felt he couldn't talk to me for fear I would be hurt or cry, which he hated. Bad signs for a healthy relationship. Myself, I always wanted to talk to him and tried many, many, MANY times but if it wasn't his point of view he rejected it. That made me sad and withdrew more.
We BOTH had communication issues that made us feel disconnected from each other but only he cheated. If our "problems" were the "reason" then how come I didn't cheat, even when the perfect circumstances presented themselves, I walked away and did not cross any lines but he did.
We were in the exact same relationship, feeling lonely, wanting more and not sure how to get it or make it better but only HE cheated.
This tells me that this was a full on choice he made. A selfish choice with no thought about the impact or repurcussions of what that choice would result in. It was a very immature choice but it was all his and his alone. He owns it and I never will.
Should we have stayed together with the serious communication issues we had? I don't know. I had always beleived we would get better and I always believed we would break through it at some point. I loved him and my commitment was solid for better or for worse. He didn't love me, his commitment was "dependant" and he only wanted me when things were "better". That is who he is and I had nothing to do with that either. I don't really know about rebuilding because my ex never even gave us a half a shot at it. He never tried or gave it an honest effort not once even before his affairs. I will never know.
I do know however that in order to rebuild each person has to own their part of the couples issues (we all have them). This is totally SEPARATE from the infidelity. You don't own that so don't let any book tell you different. Your issues, yes, face them and your spouse needs to face their issue, the one where they decided to cheat. You can't answer that so don't.

i picked up on your "nice, little counselor" comment, and sense there is a similarity with your counselor and my (previous) counselor..mine was trying to be "too nice" and would not say that 4000+ texts and texting 20 out of 30 days necessarily meant an EA. this wishy-washedness robbed me of some much needed validations of my feelings, and turned me off to her style of therapy. in addition, it boosted my H's idea that he did nothing wrong, and put blame onto me, and nullified my reactions to the whole mess.

my advice to you: dont waste more time with a counselor you don't approve of, and move to another quickly - you will waste time, money, effort and sabotage whatever positive steps that have occurred.

as for the book, i havnt read that one, but similar ones, and they do seem to often focus on the cause of the affair, which is not fair to the betrayed. there is no excuse, no justification, and no good reason for the cheaters to have done what they did. the marriage may have been less than perfect, but that is a separate issue to be dealt with later. it took a while (9months!) to convince my H that i hear his opinions on the state of our marriage before the EA, and i promised to address those issues later, but for now, i need to finish working thru his indiscretion first and foremost. thank goodness he seems to finally understand this!

best of luck to you in this hard hard time - and i hope you can find the right combination of books and counselors to make this right for you. for now, try to just take the parts of the books that address what you are feeling, and what he needs to do to make it better, and ignore the "blaming" parts. you can always come back to that after your healing is complete.

You know - I have to agree with most of the other posts. I am divorced so clearly my MC did not work. Like yours - mine focused not on the A or helping rebuild trust or anything like that - it was all about validating his rationalizations for the A.

In one session I got up, told her what I thought of her approach (and yes there was swearing involved), and walked out. We were going to go to another one but the ex met with her first and then told me she was going to be his counselor and not our MC.

We were never able to get to MY feelings about the A or about how to help ME trust and love him again. As happened constantly in our marriage - MY needs were viewed as unimportant. I was not able to do all of the work on the marriage still reeling from his A and I in fact did some things to further damage our relationship I think in retaliation. So - we ended up divorcing. I am sure that a little more effort on his part (and to be fair - on my part too) and maybe a little better counselor might have saved our marriage.

Well, having been involved in both MC and IC for many years both pre-and post-affair, I think your counselor is to be commended for having you both do homework and analyze the dynamics of your marriage. It is my understanding that many counselors are not particularly adept at dealing with infidelity, which to me is a wonder given that statistics claim somewhere between 60-80 percent of all marriages have been, or will be, affected by infidelity.
So to me it sounds as though your counselor is putting forth what s/he believes to be best effort.

And I am NOT familiar with the book s/he is having you work through, so I cannot comment about that, but I've read a number of others, including "Not Just Friends," and I will say that it took a lot of open-mindedness, pain, brutal self-honesty, and introspection to come to terms with MY part in the demise of my marriage, which, I believe, played a part, in my H seeking another woman. That is not to say I take blame for his affair -- not at all-- but rather, that I take responsibility for my part in the dysfunctional dynamics that had become part and parcel in our relationship prior to his affair. In this aspect, I do believe I played a part in leaving my marriage vulnerable to an affair. I took my marriage for granted, and I focused more on what I was getting (or not getting) out of it than what I was giving (or not giving) to it. So for me there has been both great pain and great growth in the journey of reconciliation.

Of course, every marriage has its own history and dynamics and I imagine for some there is absolutely nothing they could have done or can do to insure against infidelity. I would imagine this would be the case with marriage to a serial cheater or sex addict, though I can't say for certain.

Still, I grieve when I read here that betrayed spouses are not happy with the focus of the MC and discussing the dynamics of the marriage pre-affair, and yet at the same time, I understand it because it IS insult to injury. I mean, our spouses were the ones to commit the ultimate sin of betrayal, THEY were the ones who tore the very heart and soul of the marriage, why should WE even bother to concede to anything?

And of course, we don't have to. We can join the ranks of more than half of all marriages and divorce. We can then hang onto hope that somewhere there is our very own "special" someone who won't betray us. Or, if we choose to stay, we can make our lives miserable, and our spouse's lives miserable, by living in perpetual resentment of the wrongs done toward us.

Or...we can make a decision: "Do I want to be right? Or do I want to be happy?"

My experience is that if I want to stay with, and be happy with, my dirty dawg H, I need to not take on the role of counselor, or judge, or tally-taker, or reminder of his sins. I need to clean up my side of the street and shut up about his. This stance, in turn, over time, allows the clarity of God's grace to show my H where his own wrongs have been/were. Not only that, but the more I have practiced staying focused on my part in the marriage, and only my part, and the less I have "pointed out" my pain to him, the more my H has come to express his deep regret and his desire to repair our marriage.

Nearly two years post affair, I can say with all sincerity that my marriage is better than it ever was. But it didn't get that way simply by my H coming clean, being transparent, learning about my pain, and all of that.

I had stuff I had to look at, too. And it sure as hell wasn't pretty nor was it anything I would have been inclined to ponder had the affair never happened. Yet these were the precise things I needed to understand about myself, to change about myself, if I wanted to not only stay married, but to be glad I did.

My best to you and yours --
Temperance

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html

This video I think is awesome for validating our feelings about infidelity.

AMEN!!!

I never read the book but if I drove my husband to all his affairs and "escorts" then shit...I must be a real bitch & he must be a glutton for punishment because he doesn't want to divorce me.

We all have our faults, and so do they. We (the faithful ones) just choose to accept & live with their faults.