Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This topic comes up from time to time, and I had something of a revelation I thought I would share. But before I get to that, it might be helpful to define what I mean by forgiveness.
I look at forgiveness from two different perspectives. First, there is the person who forgives an offense committed against him/her. What forgiveness means for them is the letting go of the anger and bitterness against the other person. They no longer seek to "punish" the other person for their "crime."
But the other side of forgiveness involves the other person. Usually in a situation that needs forgiveness, a relationship has been hurt between two people, and that is no more evident than in an adulterous situation. And for that forgiveness to become real in the relationship, more than just the offended party needs to forgive. The offender needs to seek that forgiveness.
In the first instance, to forgive is a process that varies for each person and situation. Some find it easy to forgive, and others find it harder to let go of the bitterness and anger. But each person, in their own time, work toward that goal.
And in the second instance, there is a process of coming to need that forgiveness and making it a reality in their lives so that healing can take place both in themselves and in the relationship. But in that instance, it requires both the offended to be ready to forgive, and the offender to be ready to receive it before the relationship can be fully restored.
Now for the revelation. Stick with me here. I know there are a lot of non-Christians on this list, and I'm not trying to preach or convert here, but whether you are a Christian or not, I think you'll appreciate the principles here.
In the Bible, when someone seeks out other gods, God likens it to adultery. So it is instructive to see on what terms God, as the offended, seeks to forgive, and how the offender can accept that forgiveness in order to heal. I'm going to relate that to our situation with adultery.
The classic verse where God lays out how His people, Israel, can be forgiven and heal the broken relationship their own adultery against Him has caused is 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says:
"My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
This is instructive both from the perspective of the BS, what he/she should be wanting from their CS, and for the CS, what they need to be doing to heal/rebuild the marriage.
"Humble themselves" - The CS has to come to the point of realizing the wrongness of their actions, how they have hurt their loved one, how they are in need of the BS's forgiveness. Without that first step of humility, of acknowledging their "sin" against their spouse, no restoration of the relationship is possible.
"Pray" - That is, communicate and confess this to the BS. And supplicate for their mercy upon you. Answer all the BS's questions, don't hide anything, get everything out so that no "sin" remains hidden. Without this, any hidden sin against the marriage will continue to eat away at the CS and the marriage, until it rots from within. The only way to fix it is to clean it all out. Open the doors of transparency and communication.
"Seek my face" - The CS needs to stay focused on the BS, be concerned for their hurting, and pain, and devote themselves 100% to the BS. The CS needs to spend the bulk of their time with the BS, break down any walls that separate them so that there is nothing between either of you that blocks you from focusing on him/her.
"Turn from their wicked ways" - Until the hurting stops, until the affair is over, forgiveness cannot become a reality in the relationship. The CS must cut all ties and contact, even innocent contact, with the OP. Until that happens, the affair is not over. And any expectation of forgiveness healing the marriage and "moving on" will not happen. It is akin to someone stabbing them with a knife and asking forgiveness, and if given, stab them again and again, and still expect forgiveness, even as the knife is in their gut. For forgiveness to happen, first you have to stop doing that which hurts that person.
Once those things happen, then for God, who has already forgiven us, can make that forgiveness effective in our lives by removing the "punishment" of guilt for sinning against Him and healing us of our broken relationship.
So for BSs and CSs, once the BS has forgiven the CS, and the CS has admitted their sin against the BS and the marriage, communicate the truth and what is going on with them, focused on healing the hurt of the BS that they have committed, and stop any affair related activities, then can the BS forgive in way that can heal the marriage and restore it.
But it is also instructive to the BSs, for when the CS has done all these things, then any reluctance to forgiving the CS becomes damaging to the BS and any rebuilding possibilities for the marriage. We each have our own timelines when we are ready to forgive, but this can act as a guide to when we may be holding onto not forgiving them too long and for the wrong reasons.
But I think this illustrates as well that the BS forgives to heal themselves, so that bitterness and anger will not rule their life forever. There is a time for anger and heartache, but at some point that needs to be let go of or it will poison one's life.
But the BS also forgives in the hope that the relationship will be restored. And it is only when the CS is doing those things can the BS not only forgive, but the CS come to the point of accepting that forgiveness and begin the process of healing the broken marriage.
Without those things, there is no forgiveness and no healing of the relationship. Whatever forgiveness the BS has at that point is more for their own healing than it is to restore the CS and the marriage. But for that forgiveness to extend to the CS and the marriage, those are the steps that must be taken for healing to happen.
I look at forgiveness from two different perspectives. First, there is the person who forgives an offense committed against him/her. What forgiveness means for them is the letting go of the anger and bitterness against the other person. They no longer seek to "punish" the other person for their "crime."
But the other side of forgiveness involves the other person. Usually in a situation that needs forgiveness, a relationship has been hurt between two people, and that is no more evident than in an adulterous situation. And for that forgiveness to become real in the relationship, more than just the offended party needs to forgive. The offender needs to seek that forgiveness.
In the first instance, to forgive is a process that varies for each person and situation. Some find it easy to forgive, and others find it harder to let go of the bitterness and anger. But each person, in their own time, work toward that goal.
And in the second instance, there is a process of coming to need that forgiveness and making it a reality in their lives so that healing can take place both in themselves and in the relationship. But in that instance, it requires both the offended to be ready to forgive, and the offender to be ready to receive it before the relationship can be fully restored.
Now for the revelation. Stick with me here. I know there are a lot of non-Christians on this list, and I'm not trying to preach or convert here, but whether you are a Christian or not, I think you'll appreciate the principles here.
In the Bible, when someone seeks out other gods, God likens it to adultery. So it is instructive to see on what terms God, as the offended, seeks to forgive, and how the offender can accept that forgiveness in order to heal. I'm going to relate that to our situation with adultery.
The classic verse where God lays out how His people, Israel, can be forgiven and heal the broken relationship their own adultery against Him has caused is 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says:
"My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
This is instructive both from the perspective of the BS, what he/she should be wanting from their CS, and for the CS, what they need to be doing to heal/rebuild the marriage.
"Humble themselves" - The CS has to come to the point of realizing the wrongness of their actions, how they have hurt their loved one, how they are in need of the BS's forgiveness. Without that first step of humility, of acknowledging their "sin" against their spouse, no restoration of the relationship is possible.
"Pray" - That is, communicate and confess this to the BS. And supplicate for their mercy upon you. Answer all the BS's questions, don't hide anything, get everything out so that no "sin" remains hidden. Without this, any hidden sin against the marriage will continue to eat away at the CS and the marriage, until it rots from within. The only way to fix it is to clean it all out. Open the doors of transparency and communication.
"Seek my face" - The CS needs to stay focused on the BS, be concerned for their hurting, and pain, and devote themselves 100% to the BS. The CS needs to spend the bulk of their time with the BS, break down any walls that separate them so that there is nothing between either of you that blocks you from focusing on him/her.
"Turn from their wicked ways" - Until the hurting stops, until the affair is over, forgiveness cannot become a reality in the relationship. The CS must cut all ties and contact, even innocent contact, with the OP. Until that happens, the affair is not over. And any expectation of forgiveness healing the marriage and "moving on" will not happen. It is akin to someone stabbing them with a knife and asking forgiveness, and if given, stab them again and again, and still expect forgiveness, even as the knife is in their gut. For forgiveness to happen, first you have to stop doing that which hurts that person.
Once those things happen, then for God, who has already forgiven us, can make that forgiveness effective in our lives by removing the "punishment" of guilt for sinning against Him and healing us of our broken relationship.
So for BSs and CSs, once the BS has forgiven the CS, and the CS has admitted their sin against the BS and the marriage, communicate the truth and what is going on with them, focused on healing the hurt of the BS that they have committed, and stop any affair related activities, then can the BS forgive in way that can heal the marriage and restore it.
But it is also instructive to the BSs, for when the CS has done all these things, then any reluctance to forgiving the CS becomes damaging to the BS and any rebuilding possibilities for the marriage. We each have our own timelines when we are ready to forgive, but this can act as a guide to when we may be holding onto not forgiving them too long and for the wrong reasons.
But I think this illustrates as well that the BS forgives to heal themselves, so that bitterness and anger will not rule their life forever. There is a time for anger and heartache, but at some point that needs to be let go of or it will poison one's life.
But the BS also forgives in the hope that the relationship will be restored. And it is only when the CS is doing those things can the BS not only forgive, but the CS come to the point of accepting that forgiveness and begin the process of healing the broken marriage.
Without those things, there is no forgiveness and no healing of the relationship. Whatever forgiveness the BS has at that point is more for their own healing than it is to restore the CS and the marriage. But for that forgiveness to extend to the CS and the marriage, those are the steps that must be taken for healing to happen.
I kept saying he was no longer humble. I needed him to be humble which then would bring him back to understanding how huge hies lies were and how deeply they effected me. It took a temporary break initiated by me for him to realize that when it came to the lies and A that he would always need to be humble. I would say true empathy is another important aspect for the bs to understand the need to seek forgiveness.
Empathy is a tough one. Trying to get somebody to put themselves in your shoes and imagine how they would feel is not easy. As a nurse we were taught that a patient is never to be treated with sympathy but rather empathy. Which can also be translated from the golden rule of "do onto others as you would have them do onto you"
You're amazing...thank you.
Glad it helped you bring some focus to things. Yes, the pain is there. I don't think that ever totally goes away, we just learn to deal with it.
It's like I have a pinched nerve in my neck which causes a little pain in my right arm and slight numbness in my fingers. Most of the time I don't think about it or notice it, but if I think about it, I can feel it. But at first what I felt sent me to a doctor to find out what was wrong was a well felt pain and numbness.
Each of us has to work through the pain and anger to the point of being able to release it, despite its continuing presence, and learn to move past it, and allow it to fade into the past that even though it is there, we learn to not focus or think about it much.
That come with time. I've had this pain for years. I don't think about it much, but it is there. Unless I'm ready to get a 60K surgery, it is with me for the rest of my life.
Same here. We can forgive, and to a certain degree, over time, "forget," but never completely because the pain remains for the rest of our lives. We just chose to not let that pain ruin our lives, and hopefully our marriages.
I've often thought about the need to forgive one's self is a harder route. Not to say one is worse than the other, for the BS's pain is very great in many cases. But I can see a route to get past this. If not with her, apart from her. It would be very painful, and has been, but eventually, one way or the other, I can see a future where I can move on and be happy.
But to be the one who inflicted that pain, who potentially caused the marriage to break up, whether because of an A, or other marital problems, or a combination thereof, is a difficult cross to bear and has its own pain that will last a lifetime.
But what does it mean to forgive yourself? I think there are two main things you can do to get to that route. For the CS, or even a BS who believes their own sins in the marriage contributed to the environment that fostered such a decision by the CS, it really focuses on healing for both the BS and the relationship.
For those reasons, the above can greatly help to coming to a sense of forgiveness for yourself. Why, because forgiving yourself isn't really a forgiveness, as such. I mean, forgiveness involves the offending party being forgiven by the offended, and accepting that.
So really what you are talking about in forgiving yourself is being able to accept the other's forgiveness, and coming to terms with the pain and guilt so that you sense forgiveness within yourself, and you don't hold it over your own head as a punishment.
And I think that's hard for the CS to do, because like my wife has always said, "I deserve this." And the BS is usually quick to agree. And in one sense that is a helpful attitude to have. It is part of the humility. So when is enough guilt and punishment enough? A BS can possibly decide that for themselves as the hurt party, but a CS has no realistic way to decide when enough is enough. You never feel it is enough.
But at some point, in order for the CS to heal and move on to a happier life, they need to accept what they did, deal with the guilt in a constructive way, and use that to make one's self better and stronger as a person.
But that really can't happen fully until the BS is ready to forgive. Once they forgive, then the CS needs to come to the point of being able to accept that forgiveness. Doesn't mean there won't still be pain looking back at what you've done and feeling horrible about it. But the biggest proof of forgiveness is healing yourself, and becoming the person you were destined to be, not the one that is labeled as "this is who you are."
As my priest told my wife, what she did doesn't "define" her. Who she is as a person. She is better than that. And becoming better than that is forgiveness being accepted and acknowledging that truth. Keep working toward that.