You are showing great diplomacy with your comment that "there is plenty of blame to go around." However, in reality, no there isn't. As between you and your husband, only one of you is to blame for the infidelity (Hint: It isn't you). Every marriage waxes and wanes, and all sorts of problems may arise as a couple spans time together. And learning to communicate the issues, needs, and concerns is vital to being able to reach resolution. In those instances, it is appropriate - though not necessarily productive - to assign blame.

Infidelity is on a whole different level. It is not apples and oranges so much as it is apples and elephants. You do not share in the blame. At all. There is no comparative fault to be assigned.

Yes, it is standard operating procedure for him to try to lay some blame at your feet. To me, it almost seems a natural self preserving response or coping mechanism. He needs to minimize in his own mind the true level of damage he has incurred, to put off the self-hatred and loathing that must accompany empathy.

6 weeks is not a particularly long time. Your husband is in some pretty deep weeds and getting out will be a long, arduous trek. And yes, he is mourning the loss of the secret world he shared with the OW. To be sure, that really sucks for you and may almost seem like a double betrayal. "Bad enough he cheated, but then, when he got caught, he has conflicting emotions about me and the OW??" But that is the truth of the matter, and perhaps knowing that it is to be expected will help you to understand why he is mired where he is. We all hope that our CS will immediately come to their senses, and immediately express deep and profound remorse, and do everything they can to put right what they have themselves ripped apart. But rarely does it actually work that way.

Mr Cellophane wrote:
"We all hope that our CS will immediately come to their senses, and immediately express deep and profound remorse, and do everything they can to put right what they have themselves ripped apart. But rarely does it actually work that way. "

So true, and I want to add something to this. I was one of the lucky ones whose cheater has acted exactly as described in Mr. Cellophane's post. But even at that, it was still a rough road into recovery. Doing everything they can to put things right is a monumental task. He had to take a lot from me as I went through the stages of betrayal, anger, grief, disbelief, hurt. I am afraid, Seeking, that unless your H changes his attitude, that things will only get worse.

Your H needs to understand (and grow to believe) that you are not responsible for his behavior of deceiving and cheating. Even if there were problems in the marriage, nothing justifies that. No matter what the problems were in the marriage, you do not share the blame for his decision to betray you. You deserve kindness and understanding from him, not criticism and blame. His current behavior post DDay will destroy the marriage if it continues.

Do you think he wants to save the marriage? If so, I would consider counseling. It sounds like he is unable to grasp what needs to happen on his own.

Let me also add that you do not share in "50% of the problems in the marriage that led up to the affair." This is peddled often by marriage counselors and book authors but not at all true.

You are not a magical person. You can not make someone else susceptible to anything. You might actually suck as a person (I don't know you; that could be true.) The only thing that earns you is an honest discussion and a trip to divorce court.

If your marriage sucked so bad, then why didn't he just ask for a divorce? Not to mention the fact that if sucked for him it most certainly sucked for you too.

I think that most of the time we ALL are capable of taking the other spouse for granted. Big whoop. Did your hubby always treat you with respect, and fulfill all your needs all the time? I'm going to go ahead and guess no. Especially if he cheated because nothing says I don't respect you more than sex with someone who isn't your spouse.

There in lies the difference. He cheated and you didn't. The only fault here is with him. If he truly wants this marriage to continue it's incumbent on him to take full responsibility for his CHOICE to lie and cheat on you.

To do this, he must want to change. To do this, he must try to figure out why he felt entitled to cheat. He must make you feel safe again. He wants to grieve his affair partner? Let him do that in private because you're in enough pain.

If he's already blaming you, the sad truth is there isn't much to work with here. He blew it up. It's up to him to fix it. When he does and if you truly believe he is, then you can discuss how to make the marriage a happier place to be for the both of you.

Please don't get caught in the trap of believing you can control the outcome of this. You can't. Whether you read all the books, go to counseling yourself etc, join the marriage police force and demand that he's transparent. This all has to come from him. No one will ever control him but him and you can only control yourself.

My dday was almost 5 years ago. I'm divorced now. For three years I followed all the advice given out regularly by the reconciliation industrial complex (most marriage counselors and most authors that tell you how to save your marriage after an affair.) Putting the ball completely in their court is the best litmus test for whether or not they truly want to reconcile. Other than that you have fake remorse and even more fake reconciliation.

I wish you luck
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