I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Its very hard to retain good memories of the past in the face of adultery. Your grief is totally normal. Its hard to wrap your head around what you thought your life and marriage was versus what it turned out to actually be. But you are not responsible for the destruction of your relationship...he is. Going forward, you get to decide the ending of your story and there is some power in that even though it will be challenging. I wish you and your children all the best!

Very understandable reaction. After betrayal our minds messes with us. What was real and What was fake.
The biggest pain is the realization the cheater was not the person we thought he was. Did not have the morals we thought he had.
It takes time for the pain to fade. Hopefully good memories come back. Hugs

I'm sorry to hear or your situation. Our sense of reality is shot and what we knew to be true is now shadowed by doubt. I've been married for 15 years, but together for 17, and recently found out about his affair. The man who protected me from any harm was the one person who hurt me the most.
I haven't decided what my moves are just yet. The grief is still very much present, although I've learned to deal with my pain and anger with a therapist. Some days are better than others. People tell me time heals wounds but I'm still waiting. Two months in and there are still nights I cry myself to sleep. Has your spouse shown any remorse and are you open to a future together? Or are you closed to any possibility of rebuilding?

If 18 of the 19 years we great why are you leaving? Now, I don’t blame you for leaving at all. Infidelity is reason alone to leave. Are there reasons not to try to reconcile?

I was at first planning to try to work things out, but he continued to lie.. it was a year long affair while he was away for a military assignment. He fell in love with this other woman and continued contact when he moved home. I kept finding keepsakes hidden in the house. The last straw was when I found home made porn on our video camera. It was on the same SD card as our family photos. It feels as though he wanted to be caught.

I'm so sorry for what ur going through. It was so tremendously generous of you to give him another chance and he slaps you in the face again. You set your boundary and you show tgat youbdont let him treat you like crap. Good on you. As hatd of a time as you will have getting through this. Things will get better over time

Your husband didn't magically change one day after 17/18 years.

This was always a part of who he was and remained hidden from most of the world.

It's hard to realize you married an actor of sorts, but in time you'll realize that this is who he was/is.

Your time with him was a waste, but the children you brought up aren't.

Your identity and worth don't come from your marriage. It comes from the decisions you make and the character you display.

It does get better as you get stronger and face the reality of everything that is going on.

People like us can play the victim of PTSD indefinitely but those who push forward are survivors first and get the gift of post traumatic growth and strength.

Everyone who has been kicked by a cheater should read this line from the above post:
"those who push forward are survivors first and get the gift of post traumatic growth and strength"
Very, very true. I have grown so much as a person since I found out and in some ways I feel I am slowly becoming the person I always hoped I would be.
Thank-you forwardmotion for posting.

I'm glad to help.

There is a difficult part of the reconciliation that comes with the growth and more self reliance.

At some point you will detach your identity/worth from your marriage completely and it will likely solely within your own character. There will be no fear of being alone or fear of rejection.

You may struggle with the thought that you do not need your spouse at all anymore and this thinking may hamper your will to reconcile.

You need to find temporary but secondary reasons of why to stay in the marriage. Children, finances, companionship, but in the end the only thing that will sustain a new relationship with your cheating spouse is to rebuild love for them.

You need to see the positive changes in their character and behavior and look to these things to grow love for them, trying to love them for the person they are becoming rather than resenting them for the person they were. This take time and a lot of effort from their end.

Once again you have nailed it. Everything you mentioned I have experienced. Unfortunately, nearly three years on I still get nightmares and images in my head of her with him. It's extremely painful. My understanding is that in time this will stop.

Nightmares at 3 years may be something to talk to a counselor about.

This could be a result of the nagging suspicion you had regarding the parentage of your third child and now the revelation that he/she isn't yours.

You can't full reconcile with a trickle truth cheater because they are still lying and shows they haven't had deep enough change and still cannot be trusted.

I'll pray for you burnt, your situation is difficult. Stay strong.

just know you are by far alone on this, it happens a LOT...people hide their character and betray others...is hard but unfortunately is how life is...when you trust others you are taking a chance, always....you need to know and trust in yourself always and keep telling yourself you will be ok alone...have a good friend network and enjoy life!!!