Hello,

I have been with my husband for 17 years, 13 of them married....we have 2 children.  It was a year this past January that I learned of his affair and child from the affair.  When I found out he said it only happened once, with a coworker, and she became pregnant. He said he had begged her to have an abortion but she wouldnt and he felt no connection to the child.  He had already taken a paternity test, gone to court to give up his rights, was ordered to pay $600/month child support and the baby was 4 months old.  Forgive me, but I was happy to hear he didnt want the child, I told him this would be a deal breaker for me because I knew I couldnt handle it.  I let him stay and continued to love him, I never wavered.  He promised to be much more attentive and loving making me a priority right along with our children.  He promised to "woo" me.  This lasted until this past spring.

His cousin was getting married in another state and I couldnt get off from work.  Even though he was going to be with his family I didnt feel comfertable with him going without me.  I honestly thought because of what he had done and the promises he made that he would understand and put my needs first, choosing not to go.  That didnt happen.  He got angry and frustrated he told me that he wouldnt talk about it because I just wanted him to tell me he wouldnt go.  We argued over it multiple times.  I gave in and asked if he could fly out early morning the day of the wedding and return the next day....this wasnt enough.  He needed to be there for the full weekend.  Once he decided to fly out Saturday and return Monday I asked how he could help make me feel more secure about his going and I was told he wasnt going to "prep" me for a month so he could go to a wedding.  This is around the same time he started treating me as he did before he told me about his affair.  Im not saying he cheated again Im just stating facts.  I do think you should know that this is my 2nd marriage, my first marriage ended the same way.  On top of that my now husband and I were friends at the time and he watched me go through everthing.  I thought he understood why I had trust issues.  In stead he said I should have gotten help to give him a clean slate.  Anyway, he again started treating me poorly.  I had to ask him to if he thought I looked pretty.  I had to ask him if he could say I love you and hug me once a day.  This would frustrate him and he would say he use to do these things and it didnt work so he stopped or that married people dont do these things.  My already bad depression and anxiety spiraled.  We stopped having sex, this was a red flag to me but he didnt seem to care.  I tired talking to him to tell him how I feel, I tried letting him know that I was scared all of the time, I felt rejected and unworthy along with ugly and unwanted.  His answer was I always felt this way.  

To go a bit deeper approx 4 years ago he said he didnt love me anymore and that he things we grew apart.  My depression spiraled and I had problems getting over his words.  He had said I was horrible to him for the whole of our relationship, before marriage and kids as well as after.  That I made him live in a box treating him like a child.  Not letting him go out with his friends get drunk and sleep outside of the house, or take trips that made me worry or make plans with his freinds and not me.  He said I was constantly mean to him and always treated him poorly while he treated me wonderfully.  When I would say I would take 50% of the blam for all things prior to his cheating he would tell me it was 100% me.  Fast forward to now, when I know about the affair and child, and he brings things up from 17 years ago but if I bring up an affair I found out about a year and a half ago Im told that its been a year and I shouldnt still be talking about it and that I will always pull the "affair card", that he is tired of being the bad guy in the story all of the time.  That he knows he broke me with his affair.  That I need to just fix my depression.  

Our most recent argument was Sunday 6/6.  He was being cold to me, although he didnt realize it, and I asked him yet again what was going on and the fight began.  He said he wasnt interested in a marriage by my rules.  When I asked what rules he said that he needs to call me when he arrives to and leaves work....which he hasnt done since the pandemic but...I asked for this because she is there working with him.  I asked what other rules and he said that another one was that he had to give up a child.  All because the day I found out about everything I said it would be a dealbreaker for me.  However no matter what I said he couldnt and wouldnt see my side.  He had already given up the child when I found out there was an affair so Im not sure how this is my fault along with everything else.  He said he thought he should pack his things and stay with his mom for a while.  I said that I didnt want him to go but if he felt he should it was his choice.  He didnt leave.  I needed to get out for a while so I had asked him if I could trust he woudlnt pack his things and leave while I was gone and he said he wouldnt.  The very next day I sent him a text saying I only wanted him to be happy so if that meant I needed to accept the child I would, among other things and I never heard back from him.  You see, while I was at work and my children were at school he was packing his stuff.  He told my children I was upset and would return once I cooled down, which he denies saying.  He called me when I was leaving work for an hour drive home and told me he packed his things and left, that he didnt know if he would ever want me back and that I could see other men if I wanted to.  He called me on the phone to tell me this saying that if he did it in person I would cause a scene.  He has been gone for a month.  When I try to text him or call him to talk about feelings and that I still love him and want to work on the relationship he completely ignores me saying he refuses to talk to me about these things.  He is cold as ice towards me.  Im devastated.  I blame myself for everything, Im just a mess.

Any insight (especially male) would be helpful I think....

Heck, just support in any form.