Oh goodness. Forty years. And for him to do this. I would have thought most people got that urge out of their system around the 10-25 year mark. I thought at 40 years you would feel 'partnered' again and go into your retirement years with the same purpose and connection as you did when you first got married. I'm very sad for you that he abandoned you and your family.

I have no real good advice. I believe the book "Back From Betrayal" by Suzy Farbman though is a good read as it chronicles the struggles of long-term partners.

Thank you ManDown. I agree after 40 years I was looking forward to retirement with him. I am a teacher and have 3 years left before I can retire. I am devastated by his decision. I cannot function right now. It scares me to think I have to start over. We had a full life together and cannot imagine it over. I must face this fact though. He has moved on. His drinking adds to the equation. I will look up the book. Thanks for the suggestion.

I am so very sorry this has happened to you.

You have to handle this like he has died. The grief will be the same. I am so sorry you have to handle this alone. I hope your children are a good support system for you.

Even though you have been together for 40 years, there is life after this, he could have had a sudden heart attack and you would be in the same place. Life does not have to end, and who knows you might find some interesting new hobbies and meet wonderful new friends.

You might want to think about individual counseling, as this is just like a death as far as the grief goes. A counselor can help you get on your feet and feel strong again to handle the aftermath. Also get a GOOD divorce attorney so you know all your rights.

I hope you find peace.

This happened to a friends mother. Her parents were married for 35 years when he left his wife for an employee 30 years his junior. He hid all their assets and the BS was left with nothing. Please protect yourself financially; see a lawyer soon and get into counseling. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is an excellent book. It helped me understand the rationalizations that a cheater uses and their attempts to rewrite marital history. There is a chapter on going it alone too. I wish you the best. Hugs

I am so sorry you are going through all of this and in such pain. I'm afraid the amount of years you've been together these days is no guarantee of a future together. My husband and I have been together for over 27 years and I recently found out that he's lied to me for most of them. It hurts like hell but let your family support you and be there for you. I also read "Just Friends" and found it very helpful. Also think about trying the 180. Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

What is the 180 and how does it work?

What does the 180 mean?? Thanks for support.

"What would make a man abandon everything for this skanky woman?"

Lots of things. Stupidity, poor boundaries, alcoholism, dopamine, lack of communication skills (regarding talking to you) to name a few. I would bet that if you guys end in divorce that he eventually will have some real serious regrets. Unfortunately, though for men who go this route, by the time they come to their senses, many of us betrayed partners have gone on with our lives and will not, to their dismay, go back to them. Take this from someone who has been there.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I would imagine it's the alcohol that's rotting his brain.

Here is the link to the 180 that's been mentioned:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/2591291-180

I wish you well.

Thank you Sarah2220 and Betrayed. I really like the 180 list. That is what my Alanon group has been repeating to me every time I attend. I know I am being pathetic. I need to stop!! I cannot go on like this.

No more texting or calling. No more asking him to explain his reasoning. No more asking if he wants the divorce. I need to get him to sign the papers, period!! I absolutely need to move forward. I cannot keep looking back.

Its not fair to me at all when he comes over and tells me he loves me. It is not true or we would not be in this situation. He chose to live with girl friend. He needs to deal with the fall out. I need to deal with it too.