Wow so I had to make sure I wasn't reading my own post because everything you have said, even the length of time it has been is identical to what I'm going through. My husband was very very open and supporting and even though he still is, I can see him starting to get frustrated when I have a trigger and get upset. We were doing fantastic and because he got a little busy with a 6 week course, progress halted and I even back pedaled.

It's still their fault and honestly, they just need to deal with it is what I think. I can understand their frustration but I've been tortured with thoughts, images in my head and nightmares...and I'm sure the same goes for you. It's going to take a lot longer than a year for you to trust him again.

Ugh...yes, I can relate. So much. So very much.

The next time you feel he is annoyed by all of this, tell him, 'you know, I love you. I hate feeling this way as much as you hate me still feeling this way.'

L~

It is hard for him, but he needs to realize that a commitment to rebuild is a multi-year time frame commitment. He should avoid putting any kind of time table on when you're going to be "past this."

You can take measures to mitigate and control triggers, but you can't avoid them all and even 10 years down the road you can hit one that emotionally affects you.

He has to realize that putting up with these things is one of the consequences. That said, while he can mitigate his frustration, it is also natural for him to feel frustrated when these triggers happen. Don't automatically take it as him giving up. Men like to fix things, and when it seems "fixed" for a while, and suddenly it seems to break, it feels frustrating.

So a little understanding on both sides goes a long way.

Practically speaking, there is a way to disarm triggers, kind of like immersion therapy. If it's a song, you listen to it over and over until the effect wears off. Or with a scent, wear it. A location, drive by as often as possible, make it part of your daily route until you can blink and miss it when you drive by.

Get the idea? Triggers get to you because they sneak up out of nowhere, catch you emotionally off guard. Just like a spider is more frightening when it crawls up onto your pillow than when you choose to approach it in it's web.

Once a trigger is identified you can own it instead of letting it have power over you.

In everything I have read (and experienced) since our D-day (April 2012) triggers are not so easily overcome as we (cheaters) would like. It's up to your H to be or get in tuned enough to you that he also recognizes the triggers. He needs to try to soften the impact of them somehow. Grab your hand softly, change the channel, offer a sincere "I'm sorry"

This is what I am learning and trying to do myself. Do I get frustrated? Yes, a lot. Do I wish we were "past this point already" Yes, a lot. But right now it's MY job to try to soften the effects of triggers, not my W's job to "get over them." Someday I know she'll be able to handle them better, but right now it's on ME. It should be on your H too.

While it's fine to say it Should Be On Your Husband to address your triggers, you can lead a horse to water, but....and he won't be there for all of them.

Being offered tools to manage those triggers for your own benefit is not the same as being told to 'get over it'. You can ask others to care for you, and they may or may not come through for you, but that will not reduce the importance of self care.

Lola,

I think fiber gave some great advice. I've actually tried it. My H went to a restaurant near our house with the OW. A place neither of us had been. Huge trigger for me. So one day a friend asked if i wanted to get drinks, for some reason i really wanted to go to that restaurant. We did and had a great time. It's not really a trigger any more!

Impono offers great advice too, just that only you can control you. You can wish your H to do those things to comfort you but only if he is willing. So for now stick with what You can do control.

Exact. Of course he should be there for you but what if he isn't and won't be? Do you just scream and bleed when you trigger and try to make him step up or, at some point, do you take charge of your own healing?

There are ideals and then there are realities and they don't always fit.

If you and your H haven't read How to "Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda MacDonald get a copy. EVERYONE on these boards should read it. It outlines, very specifically what the CS needs to do for the BS if the Marriage is to survive infidelity. Although I thought I was doing everything I could, and many on here encouraged me, I discovered a few very vital places I was missing the boat. Frustration was one of those.

I would suggest you read it first and decide if he is or isn't doing it right. Then present it to him in a non-demanding way if needed. While everyone's situation is different in the details. This general guide is a "can't miss" for everyone if you ask me.

Lola-

First off your H is not in true (authentic) reconciliation if he puts any sort of timeline on your healing. He needs to man up and SHUT UP until you feel better. And to be clear what he needs to shut up about is that you're triggering. This is a consequence to his shitty behavior and if he truly wants you in his life then this is the new price of admission. Sweeping this shit under the rug helps no one out but him.

This process is one step forward, 10 steps back so you shouldn't beat yourself up because things were going well and now they're not. That's pretty typical. I can't tell you when it gets better because that is different with different people. Something my IC told me that helped me is that you have to "feel the feelings" you have at the moment. Ignoring them won't help. If someone tells you "there is a giant pink elephant in the room but I don't want you to look at it" what is your first instinct? To look at the giant pink elephant all the time.

When your triggers happen just remind yourself that this is not happening right now. It happened in the past.It sucks and it hurt you but you can't change it. So thank your subconscious for bringing it to your attention but you're OK now. (Yeah it's weird but it works.)

If all else fails-check out chumplady.com.