Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Magola 11/17/2017

This week was a series of events that's leading somewhere. There was more calm. There was one explosive fight. I came into the basement to find that he was texting her. He said it was to get his music equipment back from the bar. All of the air was sucked out of the room. All of it. I texted her back "stay away from my husband whore". I'm not sure why I thought that would do anything. Then it all just came to a head. He said the same sad story he's been telling. There were tears from him. He said how things between us were so broken and how he felt like he was helping her. "It wasn't like that" came up a lot. We settled on divorce. You don't make me happy, I don't make you happy. So in this moment I asked for more affair details. I feel like he's being forthcoming, but the timeline has me rattled. He can't offer that up, and feels such discomfort talking about it. The next day I felt so broken. But in the evening he stayed, there was more calm. When we talked a day later, it's like we're both in this weird zone of not knowing where this is going. I can't help but feel like he's gaslighting, and manipulating or covering. When we talked about her, I said there can be absolutely no contact with her in the future. He told me some stories about how he had helped her with her problems yada yada. He said they run in the same circles. That eventually he would need to check on her to make sure she's ok. I said for me, it's an absolute no. He said ok bring it up in therapy. I guess that trust piece really went out the door. We have our third counseling session tomorrow. Before you all jump down my throat about leaving this man, know this....I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not making a rash decision. I set the limit of 6 months, and even that I will be flexible with. If there is no responsiblity, we will never move forward. If he continues to contact her, he digs the grave deeper. If he continues on this path, it will be over. And for those that say seek counseling, I will. For now I'm laying down in the depths of all that is horrible. I'm sorting and collecting and trying to figure out if there is anything redeemable about him or our relationship.

I'm also grieving. I'm grieving the loss of the beautiful human I knew as my husband. I don't know this person who is showing up at my house.

heartache5 11/18/2017

Don't be scared of responses you get on here. No one is in your shoes. We all are in the same boat and we all have been cheated on. Most of us have gone through (successfull or not) or still are going through (me) the same proces as you.
No one can judge you for wanting to try. I am doing the same. So far my boyfriend is renorsefull but will see over time.
It's an absolute no no that he has any contact keep firm on that. If he's truly committed he should do anything to make YOU feel better not her.
I'm a little concerned he's secretly texting her in the basement. I can so understand how huge that trigger is for you. Don't feel shy to check his phone and computer. Do what you need to to get your proof right now as we are in a state where we just don't know anymore wheb our CS speaks truth and when not.
Glad your going to counseling it will help you for sure. It helped me.
I feel exactly the same about grieving the loss of the man you thought he was. It's so unbelievable that our partner could do something like this.
Hugs your not alone. Reach out on here when you need to, you will feel the support from most on here. It will help you

pfrey71 11/18/2017

I don’t know much about him but one thing I do know......he’s not being forthcoming. If he were really texting about what he said he was texting about then he wouldn’t need to do that from the basement and hiding from you, would he? Even for the highly motivated ones, the bullshit seems to go on for at least six months.

StormPetrel 11/18/2017

You can let him feel the loss of you.

Tell him to move out.

Magola 11/18/2017

Thanks heartache5. I'm not looking for anyone to tell me what to do. I'm just writing which helps me process. Sending it out into the internet ocean. Thanks for not judging my decisions.

heartache5 11/18/2017

Any time! Im in the same recovery stage. feel free to PM if you ever want to vent

jennifera 11/19/2017

Good you are giving him a timeline. It won’t be completely resolved but within 6 months if he is sincere you will see a 180.
He will be open and transparent and completely focused on your healing.
Don’t settle.
And if you feel he is gaslighting you, he probably is. Address that head on in therapy.

stayingpositive 11/19/2017

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry. It is easy for people to say pack up your bags and go- but there is a process and you are trying to figure out if there is any room to salvage this and I commend you for that. You are right to set some timelines so you are not wasting time either. I have an 8-year old daughter and so breaking up for me has to be the last resort, which I am starting to feel like may be the case for me unfortunately. You will know in time but there needs to be a limit to your patience with bad behavior and demonstrated change.

Magola 11/19/2017

LRP thanks for that. I realized I really am seeking just simple support. Only I walk in these shoes. I too have a 6 year old and an 18 month old, so it's really difficult to think about divorce. But today I asked him to move out. I'm not sure where this will lead. I told him he can stay until he gets on his feet (he lost his business in February and has no idea what he wants to do) I said we need space and time to think about things. I'm not saying it's over. We are still set up for therapy. I just need to set some serious limits for myself. I'm done with the abuse and gaslighting. He's essentially telling me, if you don't change this won't work out. And today I said....if you don't change this won't work out.

forwardmotion 11/20/2017

I think that is fair. Divorce, while justified on your part, is really a final resort when you have kids. Reconciliation, if possible, is preferred.

I think it is fine to set a reasonable timeframe like you did at 6 months. Some people are really fallen and need a bit of time to decide on change.

I also agree that you had him move out. Ongoing disrespect isn't acceptable regardless of giving him a timeframe to commit to change. That's just about self respect and teaching your kids that you will not tolerate abuse....and consequentially that they should not either.

I can see that you have the strength to get through this with or without him.

pfrey71 11/21/2017

@Magola: I love, love, Love this: “ He's essentially telling me, if you don't change this won't work out. And today I said....if you don't change this won't work out.”

That’s spot on and very strong. Let us know how it works out.

Magola 11/21/2017

Pftey71 I can't say for sure. And I'm sure we won't know for a while. But I do know his tune changed. He's mister apologetic taking responsibility now. He tried real the past couple of days to make amends. My answer to him moving out is the same though. I found there is real power in setting a limit. Who knows if he's sincere or scared. But i know I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm hoping for the best.

VeryLostSoul 11/21/2017

First off I'm so sorry your going thru this . Cheating is the worst pain someone can go thru . I too am staying to try and see how or if this can be saved . I think you are so strong I admire that so much! I get so many people telling me to move out and how can I stay with him . You need to follow your heart I think time tells us what to do eventually.

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