Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

Not coping.

Gaea101
Gaea101

5 years ago after a time of difficulty with my husband, I found out he had been having an affair with who I thought was my best friend.  We decided we wanted to work things out, but it continued on without my knowledge for the next few months.  We ended up uprooting and moving to a different country.  We worked very hard to make things better and they have been.  Now we have moved back after 5 years abroad and the memories have all come crashing back, especially after finding all his pics on the old computer brought out of storage.  We are isolated in the countryside, and I have none to take to.  My best friend is my husband, and it is next to impossible to talk to him about my anxiety and depression.  He is very truly remorseful, but gets so upset and defensive because he says it was 5 years ago and we need to move past it.  The worst thing is that even though I have forgiven him, I can't forgive her.  She used me to get to him while he was in a vulnerable position, determined that only she could help him.  She was the one he could go have fun with - no responsibility or strings etc.  I hate her and if she was horribly maimed or dead i would cheer.  I don't like this about myself.  I thought I was part this and I am now in a tailspin.  What do I do?  How do I cope?

forwardmotion
forwardmotion
First I would say that while you say that your husband is truly remorseful it seems odd that he would state that it was 5 years ago and you should be over it.

Actions would show he hasn't developed a level of empathy towards that would help him understand the depth of betrayal and pain he has caused. Marriage counseling could be in order now that you are back. (If they have any counselors in the countryside)

A lot of the time in trying to heal our relationship we take the big ball of hate within us and push it all onto the OM or OW.

In reality each are responsible for their own personal betrayal of us. However, most of us bundle up the hate in one package and lay it heavily or completely on the OW/OM because it helps us forgive the CS.

It is easier to live your life hating a OW/OM as you never have to see them again than to constantly be angry at the CS. In a way it sometimes stops us from dealing with the anger but rather we just divert it.

It also doesn't help when the CS is trying to help you heal and the OW/OM gets out of the situation with little repercussions and no sense of remorse.

The triggers are occurring because you back in the country but I'm sure you will think less of her as time goes on.
StormPetrel
StormPetrel
I totally get how you are feeling. The OW in my life is someone I have known for a long time as well. She was never a good friend, but still. I was betrayed by her, too.

What I do is focus on me and on my marriage. I try not to think about her at all. I do not want her living in my head rent-free.

Find things you can do out there in the countryside to keep yourself busy and productive.
giaeve
giaeve
What have you done for counseling? You have trauma that needs to be fully processed. That can be done with different forms of therapy one being EMDR. You can break the power of the triggers. And you can give forgiveness to that woman so you are set free of this pain. It is work and it is a process, but you are worth it.
Gaea101
Gaea101
Thank you everyone for your supportive replies. During the past couple of days he and I have really been able to talk and dig down into some things we had swept under the rug and been able to avoid by being away. He and I both have worked very hard the last 5 years to repair the damage and the reversion to resentment was a surprise to both of us. He has taken full responsibility for his choices and we have also been working on what drove him to those choices (not me). I haven't been to counseling even though I know I should. I have read through all the articles and wish I would have found this support 5 years ago. I would have done things very differently and that was a shock to him. We both realise that we deal with emotions in very different ways and we now have to work on the happy medium to our 2 styles. But we sat down and laid out some ground rules and he now gets that this is a forever trigger issue and he will help deal with it in a positive way instead of getting defensive and I will be much more understanding of his struggles with our change in lifestyle too. I am under no illusions that this will be the end of it, but it is a good start. Thank you all.
SinAmor
SinAmor
It is always hard to let go of the past, especially when there was infidelity. I think that once the trust is gone from a relationship no matter how much you try, it's hard to move forward. I understand you completely because my husband was unfaithful to me, but no matter how much I try the truth is I say I forgive but I don't trust him anymore.