Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I don't even know where to start. What do I feel? Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry. Anxiety pervades. Mostly, I feel nothing. I'm numb. Is this normal? What's wrong with me? After watching my mom separate and, much later, divorce my dad because of an affair, I always said I'd make sure I married someone who wouldn't do such a thing. Life sure does have a way of slapping you in the face. Interestingly, my dad is still with the OW; they've been married for, I don't know, 12 or so years, and together for about 26. Getting over that was difficult enough.
At least there are no children involved in my marriage. This makes me thankful and angry. I'm in my early 30s. No way do I want to have children with him--not while all of this turmoil is going on. But, if I leave, will that be sealing my fate with regard to becoming a mother? Knowing what it's like to not have a dad around for most of my life makes me against "going it alone," if I have an option (No judgment on women who do. There are a lot of wonderful single moms out there.) And, if I do leave, I can't even fathom dating anyone else, let alone marrying.
I'm jaded, cynical, disappointed, depressed, angry, and feel so helpless. I found out in early November that my husband is a WS. I found texts and emails. Took screen shots. Sent myself emails. Printed them. Part of me, when I read them, didn't care. I was so tired of the other issues by that point (drugs, secrets, porn) that it was just one more let down to deal with. He doesn't know that I know. This is the 2nd (known) affair. The other one I know about occurred about 3 or 4 years ago with his best girlfriend who, at that time, was in a relationship with another woman. I found a few emails that time, too. From what I read, there didn't seem to be any PC, but there was enough evidence to substantiate an EA. With this one, the emails are explicit enough for me to know that there has been a PA. Also, if he is to be believed (and at this point, I think he's a narcissistic pathological liar), there have been other women throughout at least 5 of our 7 years of marriage. A**hole. Also, I'm referred to as "the roommate." If that's the case, and if he's so bored and miserable, why not just leave? Oh yeah, probably because I work 3 jobs, support him (his employment record is on-again, off-again), and try to make him feel good because I know he has a lot of self-loathing. Yes, I realize I am an enabler. That doesn't make this decision any easier. Because, I'm also a coward who is afraid to address the issue with him. Afraid to leave. Afraid to argue (he's very good at it, and I'm not quick on my feet. I hate confrontation). And complacent, really.
I've read some wonderful posts on here from BS's whom I admire. Many of you who decided to get out--or even work on your relationships--addressed the issue w/ your WS's. I wish I had that strength. I wish I had that drive. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do.
He can be so sweet and loving toward me, though we haven't been intimate in a few months. And before the last time, there were several months between the prior intimacy as well. I don't understand what I did wrong. I sent (and still do) him text messages of affirmation almost daily. I encouraged him in his educational and career dreams. I listened to him complain about his childhood and the deep seeded animosity he has with his parents and siblings.
There's just so much, I don't know what to say; what to do. Any encouragement, support, or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening."
At least there are no children involved in my marriage. This makes me thankful and angry. I'm in my early 30s. No way do I want to have children with him--not while all of this turmoil is going on. But, if I leave, will that be sealing my fate with regard to becoming a mother? Knowing what it's like to not have a dad around for most of my life makes me against "going it alone," if I have an option (No judgment on women who do. There are a lot of wonderful single moms out there.) And, if I do leave, I can't even fathom dating anyone else, let alone marrying.
I'm jaded, cynical, disappointed, depressed, angry, and feel so helpless. I found out in early November that my husband is a WS. I found texts and emails. Took screen shots. Sent myself emails. Printed them. Part of me, when I read them, didn't care. I was so tired of the other issues by that point (drugs, secrets, porn) that it was just one more let down to deal with. He doesn't know that I know. This is the 2nd (known) affair. The other one I know about occurred about 3 or 4 years ago with his best girlfriend who, at that time, was in a relationship with another woman. I found a few emails that time, too. From what I read, there didn't seem to be any PC, but there was enough evidence to substantiate an EA. With this one, the emails are explicit enough for me to know that there has been a PA. Also, if he is to be believed (and at this point, I think he's a narcissistic pathological liar), there have been other women throughout at least 5 of our 7 years of marriage. A**hole. Also, I'm referred to as "the roommate." If that's the case, and if he's so bored and miserable, why not just leave? Oh yeah, probably because I work 3 jobs, support him (his employment record is on-again, off-again), and try to make him feel good because I know he has a lot of self-loathing. Yes, I realize I am an enabler. That doesn't make this decision any easier. Because, I'm also a coward who is afraid to address the issue with him. Afraid to leave. Afraid to argue (he's very good at it, and I'm not quick on my feet. I hate confrontation). And complacent, really.
I've read some wonderful posts on here from BS's whom I admire. Many of you who decided to get out--or even work on your relationships--addressed the issue w/ your WS's. I wish I had that strength. I wish I had that drive. I feel stuck. I don't know what to do.
He can be so sweet and loving toward me, though we haven't been intimate in a few months. And before the last time, there were several months between the prior intimacy as well. I don't understand what I did wrong. I sent (and still do) him text messages of affirmation almost daily. I encouraged him in his educational and career dreams. I listened to him complain about his childhood and the deep seeded animosity he has with his parents and siblings.
There's just so much, I don't know what to say; what to do. Any encouragement, support, or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for "listening."
I spent a lot of time reviewing in my head all the helpful, supportive things I did for my wife. And how great things could be between us. Trust me: there are no answers at the end of that road.
From what you've written, you sound like a terrific gal. You aren't the problem. He is. You're husband is a serial cheater, and unless/until HE wants to break that pattern, it really doesn't matter what you did, or what you do in the future.
My sense is that you know what you need to do. Your dilemma is breaking the inertia of the status quo, and actually DOING what you need to do. I strongly recommend individual counseling.
You don't HAVE to make the relationship with your husband work. Nobody is going to die if you get divorced. You deserve to be happy. IMHO, having children with your husband is... not really an option. You're still young enough to have kids with a man who deserves you.
Only you know what is best for you, leave or stay, but please know that NOTHING you did or didn't do made him take this route. This is NOT your fault, in any way. It is his issue, you have no part in his bad decisions.
For me, the first 4 months were damage control and getting my feet under me. My CS (cheating spouse), did all the right things after DDAy, but something did not seem fair to me and I did not feel at ease with where things were going. I stopped MC (marriage counseling) and basically have said, you broke it, you fix it and come back to me as an adult and we can discuss a marriage then. If he does not fix the behaviors of entitlement that let him have an affair to begin with, then there is no marriage.
I refuse to live my life looking over my shoulder and pouring over every cell bill. When I see his change in basic entitlement behavior, then I will know he is serious about rebuilding a new relationship, since he killed the one we had.
We are still together, he is in IC (individual counseling) and I have my power back and my feet under me again. Will we be together 5 years from now? Only he knows that. Only he can change his behavior. He seems determined to do that, I am optimistically watching from the sidelines while I work in IC to strengthen who I am and what I want from life. I hope we can do that together, but I will accept nothing less than the disappearance of those destructive behaviors that made him feel entitled to have an affair.
I wish you strength in making your decision, it is not an easy one. Rebuilding takes guts and a lot of hard, painful work, especially on the CS side of things.
Imagine that in that same time you can heal and meet somebody without all of that baggage. Use the money you support him with to extract and harvest your eggs so that if toy don't plan on children until a much later time, you've got young eggs. Even if you choose to give him a second chance its a thought to preserve your eggs now.
Anyway that's my 2 cents. I understand the pain of living with somebody who abuses drugs and that alone is extremely difficult and add infidelity to that and it's incredibly tough.
Stay strong and keep seeking support from here and counseling.
You are a woman a child would be blessed to have as a mother, say goodbye to that "man" ,take some time to heal , find someone that respects you behind your back and you'll have found father material
I wish the best for you and your future family