Hello all! I am new here and happy to have found somewhere where I can vent and be anonymous. There is much I need to get off of my chest. I committed an act of infidelity last year as I was using my phone to photoshop pictures of women that are close to myself and my wife in the nude/ in the act of committing various sexual acts. It was found by my wife and she was obviously devastated. They included pictures of her sister, close friends and colleagues. It put a huge amount of strain on our relationship and we went through many weeks of counseling getting to the root of the problem, the trust issues we both had, the unhealthy habits of our relationship, and how to rebuild and make things better. Although things got better over time and I thought we could work past this, we soon fell back into unhealthy relationship habits and put ourselves in a rocky spot.  A week ago my wife came clean that she had cheated on me on a business trip she was at the week prior. She was down there for a week, met a man on Monday night, enjoyed his company, had a longish kiss in the car in between bars with a group of people but that was it. It was told there was no communication on Tuesday.  On Wednesday she had a very rough day feeling uninspired and lost in her career.  She reached out to me for comfort through multiple text messages. I was with our son at an athletic practice, coaching him, so could not respond. This drove her further away and she ended up texting the guy and asking if he was coming up to the bar that night. She decided she wanted to go home around midnight, and her group did not want to. She asked the other guy to give her a ride to the hotel and to come upstairs to “talk.”  This was found out by her work colleague who I considered a friend of our family. She realized what had gone on and tried to go to the hotel to intervene. My wife refused to answer the door and eventually her friend/colleague gave up.  My wife states that she made it clear to the guy she only wanted companionship and conversation but obviously alone, drunk in a hotel room, more happened. She states that he gave her oral sex, to which she climaxed but was overcome with guilt so she told him it was time to stop and go to bed. He then talked her into giving him a handjob. He stayed the night at the hotel. I am obviously devastated that my wife stepped outside of our marriage, even for comfort from another man. Let alone the physical stuff. And the danger of inviting a stranger into a hotel room in an unknown place. She is of course always saying how sorry she is that she hurt me, wants to help fix it, wants to make changes, etc. etc. etc. I am still in complete depression/anger/resentment to both her and to myself for the awful thing I did that put the strain on our marriage that drove her to this place. I need a place to talk. I do not want to share this openly, both to protect her self image, save her from the shame, ridicule and judgement that I went through when she told almost all of her close friends and family what I had done. But I have to get it off my chest. I have to talk. That is why I am here. I am seeing our counselor that we saw last summer again, although just individually for now. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know if I can trust again. I don’t know if it’s fair to continue after we’ve both done awful things to each other and showed that given the opportunity we will care for ourselves and our needs and ignore the hurt it may cause the other. We are 7 years married with 3 small children. I am still in the rollercoaster effect of this trauma. I bounce back and forth from every emotion under the sun daily. My mind wont shut off. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I want her to be next to me and affirm her feelings for me while also wanting to be anywhere but with her.  We have had sex more in the past week than we have at any point in our relationship. We have had more deep, meaningful conversation than at any point in our relationship. I just wanted to be somewhere where people can understand. Where people have been there before. Where I wont be judged, ridiculed or looked down upon. Again, I am glad to be here and look forward to any insight and support offered.