Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

4,945 Members
18,074 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Infidelity Support Group

Needing guidance

RVMAC
RVMAC

Been married 21 years and have 4 boys. Discovered 2 months ago by accident that my wife has been texting/having an emotional affair with a "friend" for 16 months on and off. I also found out that after a night out when a few people stayed over that he and she had sex in our kitchen when I was sleeping.


To say I was devasted is an understatement however after being extremely and surprisingly calm about it all I decided I would want to forgive and work out what has gone wrong in our marriage.


My wife has been honest (to be fair i had access to messages and pictures) but the more I hear about "relationship" the more I think she had a breakdown as the other guy basically played her with 3 weeks on and then 5 weeks off type thing. As the weeks have gone on she is "waking up" to what the hell she done and doesnt understand wha thappened and why she would accept that from someone. They saw each other only occasionally round town and 99% of time I was there and never met up properly apart from that one "chance" occasion. 


I am confused at how and why I am being so reasonable. I have sought her help from the doctor and she is getting better on antidepressants. Her mind is clearer although very tired. She also is so open and honest and so am I so I probably know more now about her than ever. She haas only opened up to one another so if anything I am her mental help which I am able to do as I know her well.


A big positive on the actual physical side is I regard the other guy as quite unassuming and a step down from me. Also as we have talked deeplky I now know the sex part was actually a disaster with a small limp quickie and mostly talking. I think the emotional affair is much worse than the sex thing although that is not exactly a good thing but I can sort of see what can happens when really drunk as you do let your guard down. I have never acted on urges when drunk but could see why it would happen. The starting a double life si the problem.


She is now seeing he manipulated her but says outright it was her fault and she was led too easily. It is completely out of character which is which its all confusing. The more he abused his power the more ill she became which led her to become desperate to please him. Sad to read and that someone can manipulate like that or indeed let themselves be manipulated.


I think basically I am confused - she is so trying to show me remorse and apologises regularily and says she loves me. She goes out of her way to make me feel special and promises even if he spoke to her she would tell me. I confronted him on text and told him I know everything and if he comes near either of us again I will tell his wife. I saw him in local shops and he immediately took kids and left.


I have basically decided that the last 16 months were a lie and that relationship is gone. There has been a fresh start and we are trying again but it is so hard not to feel sad for what happened. Also there are so many triggers that knock me I have trouble keeping it all together sometimes. I do tell her when I am down and she tries to help but I assume its going to be a time thing.


I am rambling but really need to speak out there and see what other people have gone through.


Final thought is just keep smiling as the worst that happens is we split up but I want it to be on our terms and not some dicks!!


daisysmom
daisysmom
So sorry you are here, but you sound like you are handling things so well. Your wife is blessed to have your calming disposition and your support. Stay strong and keep working to communicate and heal your hurt. If your partner is willing to help you heal and is being honest with you, you can get through this.
RVMAC
RVMAC
Thank you. Sometimes it’s nice to hear some positive thoughts so I can drown out my own negativity. Although it’s early days by the looks of other posts I do feel we have regained the communication which may have dropped off in the past. I certainly am more honest and not afraid of telling the truth even if hurtful. It all has given me a new strength even though it destroyed other confidences. Thank you.
Coffemaker
Coffemaker
You seem to have many of the basic ingredients necessary to restore a marriage. You can take a step back and see the situation at a more positive angle. You said that you are being reasonable. That is good. Discussion, reason, forgiveness, humility, restoring trust, and willingness to work on it from each side is important. If you can get counseling, it will really help. You can also get help from a pastor at a local church. And try getting hold of this book, Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. Read and understand it first before you consider letting her read it. Putting safety nets to prevent this from happening again is critical in restoring a marriage.
RVMAC
RVMAC
Thank you for the positive thoughts. I have had an up and down week but know its a long road ahead. I had a bad dream the other night which has left me a bit negative. I keep dwelling on the past. I know it cannot be changed so I need to focus on the day and appreciate the good I have with my children, home, work and also the good my wife and I are now having. Has anybody got tips? I read a good article that said that basically the cheater and the AP were both in a desperate place to be open to a mainly emotional affair. So if anything its sad they had a fantasy affair in a fantasy world with no real life intimacy. It also said that It also said that in no way would the innocent party want be in that sort of predicament. Initially a hot of feeling loved but then a long drawn out spiral of guilt, negativity and fake life on both sides - almost an addiction. So basically I move from sadness that this has happened to pity for the two sad souls who have potentially messed up two worlds for no real gain.. I think this is my coping mechanism for my down moments. Is it normal to feel this way or is there simply no normal in life and we make it up as we go along?
Pri
Pri
There is normal in life. And there is unwell behavior. It seems you may be in the partial shock stage and being the reasonable one. I encourage you to keep talking and go to a counselor for you firstly. You have to take care of yourself. This is a traumatic incident. You can't take care of others and other things so we'll if you don't take care of you.
RVMAC
RVMAC
Hi Piri, I think I agree I am back in shock again. Been very good 99% of time but work has been stressful so I imagine defenses are down. I am making a point to have another more meaningful chat about how I feel at the moment. The ups and downs. Do you think its good to tell in detail how angry I am. I saw a guide to write down all the angers and let them read it. I dont want it to be a slagging off time however I feel it better to be in writing than getting actually physically angry which would be negative all round. Any thoughts?
Pri
Pri
No. Because your anger right now is even too much for you to handle much less the spouse who if she is in any way sane will already be struggling.

Write it all down and keep doing that. Journal for you. And go talk to a counselor, write your thoughts here, speak on a friendship line and or to as impartial a person who you can trust not to get directly involved.

You have to take some time to process. You need to be safe and guided better before you try to download your devastation, pain and anger.

Be angry, but do it constructively. Direct it to a safe place. That journal. That batting cage. That weed in the lawn. Update the walking shoes and go around the block by yourself and with her and whomever you can.

You are in a lot of shock, pain and confusion. Cognitive dissonance.

Take it easy on you. Work on your own physical wellness, intellect, emotions, spirit. P.I.E.S. as Dr. Joe Beam says.

Oh you will still have anger and she will know of it however it will be way more constructive and empathetically delivered.
RVMAC
RVMAC
Thank you for that Pri. I wrote it down to vent frustrations but then tore the letter up. Just putting in on paper released anger from my head. I had a constructive conversation and explained m thoughts. Ironically it was in car with wife and we drove past affair partner at cross roads in town while mid flow. To be honest the site of him pretending nothing was wrong with his wife beside him made me both angry but sorry for them. At least we know the truth and can perhaps repair fully. They are still in a fake world of sadness!!! My wife also said she saw him and just thought negative thoughts like god he is heavier and uglier than I remember. No thoughts of missing him. That was reassuring. Thanks again for very helpful comments.