Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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mea66 01/02/2015

I have been reading posts this evening and decided to ask for your help. This is my first post on Infidelity Support Group. My situation is a little bit different, my husband of nearly 27 years died on January 15, 2014 from a heart attack and on October 4, 2014 I found out by accident that he was having an online affair. While reading his emails/chats and viewing pictures/videos, I found that there were several online affairs. There was 1 bitch in particular that was sending him inappropriate pictures/videos. During one of their chats, he tells her about an affair he had with a married woman 10 years ago and how he gave her her first organism. Unfortunately, he never mentions a name so I will never know who she was and I have to wonder if there were others. I would love to do something with the pictures and videos, but I'm afraid of getting caught and/or get in trouble, but I want to hurt her as much as I'm hurting. I know that it would bring me immediate satisfaction, but it won't change the past.

Because love is blind and I never suspected in a million years he would be capable of doing this to me -- I missed every single red flag. I have 2 grown children and they are aware of his 1 online affair. Because we were dealing with his death and my grandmother's (in August), I couldn't bear telling them the whole story as I am still finding out more things.

I appreciate any advice and/or assistance you can provide.

arrabella 01/02/2015

I would advise that you find an individual counselor if it is at all possible. Your H has left you with so many unanswered questions and unresolved issues. You have to be able to freely discuss your situation with someone who can help you. You are dealing with massive grief and shock from his death, and then to have that multiplied by the discovery of his betrayal; it is a very heavy load to bear alone. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, you deserve much better than this. Your situation is particularly difficult because survivors often feel guilty when they have anger towards a departed loved one. You may be displacing it onto the AP because of that. I wanted to back a truck over my Hs AP because she was such a dishonest, noxious person. Had he been absent from the picture she probably would have been more of a focus for me. In any event, you need a good listener and support person. I am glad you found this site. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped many of us. HUGS.

HowCanThisBe 01/02/2015

I am so sorry for your many losses.

I agree that you need a counselor who does both grief counseling and infidelity counseling.

The anger at the OW(other woman) is misplaced. She did not betray you, your husband did. This is similar to those people on this site whose CS(cheating spouse) left them without any answers. Basically, your husband left you twice. Once emotionally and once physically.

Counselors can get you through these very hard times. If you try one and they don't fit....try another, but don't give up. You can come out of this a happy person moving on with your life.

mea66 01/02/2015

Thanks for responding! Unfortunately, these past couple of months have really been difficult. Even though the children are old enough, I can't really talk to them. I have been fortunate to speak with a therapist for 6 individual sessions at no cost to me (a program that's offered through work). The sessions were good, but clearly not enough. While searching the internet, I came across a local hospital that offers free group sessions (starts in 2 weeks...can't wait). I hope these sessions will help me find some peace so I can move on with my life.

I agree my husband is to blame; however, the OW knew about me and she said she couldn't stop even though she knew how it felt to be the OW...really if she had experienced it before in her own personal life then why would she do that to another woman. That's why I want her to pay for purposely hurting me.

I really appreciate your feedback and I'm glad that I found DS.

Cole50 01/03/2015

Ditto on the advice to seek help. You're already grieving over his death. Then to find out you unknowingly had another loss, his faithfulness and love, and with no chance to resolve/reconcile it, is tough to deal with.

It is natural to focus on the affair partner (AP) for many of us. How much so when you don't have the spouse around anymore to gain any "closure."

Just know that any focus on her will generally be counterproductive. She's not likely to be repentant, nor feel how you hurt. But it may take some time to get over your anger for her as well. No one should expect you to not feel anything overnight. Healing takes time.

On BSs ending up cheating, my wife's OM had been cheated on before. Yeah, you'd think, "if they know how it feels, how could they be so cold and heartless to do that to someone else?" But it is for the same reasons that any cheater can be cold and heartless to cheat on their spouse behind their back. The decision to cheat isn't made based on reason, but emotion at the expense of reason.

As a matter of fact, I believe a BS has a higher likelihood of cheating than they did before being cheated on, for several reasons. That's in general. Any one BS may not be that much more susceptible to one than before, but many are. So they happen.

Lstecker 01/03/2015

This is one of the most painful things I have read here in a while.

I agree with doing your best to be in individual counseling. This is just too much to take on by yourself. And, of course, DS is here for you.

This 'wanting to hurt the OW' thing...I understand that. It took me a long time to get past that and put the blame for my Ex's affair solely on him. Somehow, I still have some angst with her - and I think I always will, to some extent. For me, women shouldn't do that to women. I may never be totally alright with her, but I had to get it thru my head that my Ex had much going on that I had no clue about - because he made sure I had no clue. He worked hard at that.

For you, for everything that you are feeling with this? You have every right to be mad at your husband, even if he is gone. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed by him, even if he is gone. I think these are all crucial parts of the grieving process in dealing with infidelity.

Sending support, L~

HowCanThisBe 01/03/2015

Honestly, every one of us has had thoughts of the plague hitting the AP and all their friends and loved ones turning on them. Unfortunately, putting any energy into getting even keeps you in a bad place and saps energy from you healing. The best revenge is moving forward with self esteem and having a good life. Forget her she is less than nothing to you. Let her answer to a higher authority for her transgressions.

sarah2220 01/03/2015

I agree with HowCanThisBe on this. In my case the OW was mean and vicious to both me and my boyfriend WAY after the (very short with no intercourse) affair ended. I really did have a good reason to be angry toward has, because she said and did some very hurtful, mean things to me and even threatened me to the point that I filed a police report. Even so, any anger that I had toward her has morphed into me feeling that she is just an annoyance. She did contact my boyfriend again 9 6 months after DDay and they split), and she did this even after she had told him 3 months earlier that he would never hear from her again.

The OW in our case appears to be quite a nut case (we like to call her twisted), and we decided long ago that we were both above her type of behavior--so everything she is does or will do will be ignored. Time spent thinking about her or being emotional about her is just taking away from us living our lives, and she is definitely not worth that.

Once you get to the point that you feel that you can, try to just concentrate on moving forward. You were not at fault; you do not need to carry the burden of the pain you have been through. I know, however that this does take come time. Best wishes, you will get through this, though I am sure that sometimes it does not feel like it.

mea66 01/03/2015

I know that you are all right about it being counterproductive for me to focus my hatred towards the OW; however, she's all I have right since he's not around...trust me I have been yelling at him every time I talk to him. Before DD I was constantly telling him how much I loved him and missed him. I was even considering purchasing a widows ring to wear with my wedding bands on his anniversary. That's clearly not the case right now.

My goal/wish for 2015 is to heal and move on with my life.

Thanks for listening, Martha

refurb 01/03/2015

I can only imagine to imagine the deflation and sadness that you feel

for his sake, i hope he had a conscience - and remorse for the pain that he knew his deceit would cause

for your sake, i hope your accept that all of his betrayal falls on his shoulders , none of which you should bear

find a counselor that works for you, don't feel obligated to stay with any 1 counselor, talk to a trusted friend, talk to a reverend, rabbi, priest, find someone that can help you make sense of how to pull yourself together

don't put timetable on when you should be at a certain place, you may be boogered up for awhile, if so, then okay, feel good about that, it would mean that you are a normal person

i hope the best for you and your family

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