Hello. I have been happily married for 10 years and with my husband for a total of 13 years. I am 38, my husband is 42 and his affair partner was 28. Last year, while looking at my husband’s social media, I noticed that a younger female coworker was “liking” nearly every single pic of him- except the few ones with me in them. It triggered an uncomfortable feeling for me. Although as I stated above, we were “happily married”, I have had previous reasons not to trust him, which I will elaborate on later. As if driven by intuitive guidance, I instantly felt the need to check our phone bill. I noticed there was an unfamiliar phone number on the phone bill that he had been texting basically daily. Over 1,138 texts back and forth spanning 4 months and about another 600 more spanning the 6 months previous to that (so about 10 months total with 4 being very “active”. Through simple self-detective work, I was able to confirm this number belonged to that female coworker. I’ll call her The Whore. They would begin texting as early as 7:30am (I would leave for work at 7am) and the calls always ended by the end of his workday. No weekend or evening texts. Although I suspect they may have used WhatsApp but was never able to confirm this. To shorten a long story, I confronted him, he denied...then told me she had been “laid off” from their company and he was “helping her find a job”. Give me a fucking break. After WEEKS of agonizing trickle-truth, he admitted that they went to secret lunches “7 or 8 times”, flirted (he admitted to asking her if she wears thongs, why she didn’t have a boyfriend and sending her an almost naked selfie). He claimed he didn’t know what he was thinking “it was a distraction, she meant nothing and I just liked the attention”. Some of the other hurtful things include him paying for their lunches, falsifying our financial record keeping app to hide the money spent, he took her to the restaurant we had our wedding reception at and spent THE WHOLE DAY with her, secretly of course,4 days before Christmas. Including going to her condo. Again more lies and trickle-truth about that for months. He eventually claimed they had lunch and shopped (although he had not a single receipt for all of the alleged “shopping” they did) and that they didn’t have sex. But I don’t believe that for a second. He has maintained all along there was never sex, but flirting, lunches and the consideration/fantasy of having sex with her. When I confronted her via telephone I was pleasant and composed. She denies everything, claiming they were “just friends”...I asked her what kind of friendship is to be had between a 40 something year old husband and dad and a single 28 year old? Why then did all of the calls cease when she knew he was home with his wife and child? She became aloof and borderline rude and rushed me off of the phone. She never answered me again with the exception of one very rage filled email I sent to her telling her to “get off of my husband’s dick” as she continued to try to contact him after I forbade her to. Upon looking at his private emails post discovery, I also learned of 2 inappropriate conversations with ex girlfriends (VERY FLIRTY with sexual innuendos). He has also hurt me in the past by having flirty texts here and there (every few years) with coworkers, disgusting conversations about women with one of his scumbag womanizer friends and always checking other women out in front of me. A few years before his affair, I told him I had NO TOLERANCE for this kind of thing anymore and that if he wanted to stay married to me, he had to stop the excessive secretive flirting. He appeared remorseful and apologized profusely. But every 6-18 months, is always find something shady to disappoint me and remind me he wasn’t trustworthy. Back to last year post discovery- I also found hundreds of porn images that he “liked” on another social media account. This disgusted me because looking at porn is one thing, but publicly “liking” porn images on social media is not only gross, but puts a personal connection between those women and him by liking the pics. Not only does it enrage and kill me that he had this affair, but that he kept torturing me with very new discovey I would make for weeks after (trickle truth), kept trying to hide info and only admitted to things when there was no other logical option. He also texted The Whore selfies of him with my son in the pics which sickens me that my CHILD’S photos were shared with this skank. It feels very violating. He has been very financially controlling over me throughout the years, nickel-and-dining me as he spent money as he pleased. He makes a significantly higher income than me although we are both professionals. We began therapy about 2 weeks post discovery. Our therapist identified that I have been overly passive throughout this marriage and called him “an egomaniac with an inferiority complex”. In hindsight, I am so angry with myself for not seeing all of the red flags; but honestly his financial control and flirtatious ways were so insidious that I somehow was blind to it. Prior to marriage, I CLEARLY told him, many times, that due to my own childhood issues with parental infidelity, divorce and abandonment (by my father), an affair was my greatest fear and was not forgivable for me. But despite my background in psychology I went and recreated my family of origin and didn’t even see it (damn I feel stupid). But he had multiple flirtations and had an affair anyway. Not to brag, but I am very intelligent, I consider myself to be quite attractive and I have been a wonderful wife...of course no spouse is perfect but I played by the rules of how to be a great wife 101. I always met his sexual needs. Stayed in shape. Kept a clean (immaculate) home. We always shared common hobbies and lot style of laughs. I am a very involved, loving and attentive mom. So I was shocked that the woman he cheated with was so average and that he would risk the wonderful life we built for attention from some home-wrecking, ditzy whore. He said it was because of her age and he wanted to see if she’d be interested in him (ego boost). He ended the affair immediately, has made major changes in his behaviors, no more financial control, I have full access to his phone...he participates in weekly therapy...he’s now been consistently doing all of the things that he can possibly do to “fix” this. I appreciate and acknowledge his efforts- but, here I am a year later, and I feel no less forgiveness. No less hurt. No less rage. In fact I’m increasingly disgusted, feeling trapped and like he crossed a line for me that was the kiss of death for everything wonderful we once shared. I had to quit my job due to major depression and panic attacks. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (as this whole trauma has triggered childhood traumas). I can only manage to work part time now. I am on antidepressants but NOTHING is enough. I WANT to forgive...but I am finding that I just can’t seem to shake the feeling that I didn’t deserve this and he destroyed all trust and respect I had for him. He claims his need for attention and his own childhood emotional holes are what caused him to do all of these things- but don’t we all have holes and baggage? Yet not all of us feel entitled to cheat! I can’t get past the sense of entitlement he had, the disgust that he believed he could get away with this and especially since betrayal was already an issue in life for me...but he did it anyway. I have a very sensitive, amazing young son and truly, I do NOT want to put him through a divorce. I know some people might say “but you have to be happy”- but I think that as a parent, I also have a responsibility to at least try to forgive and not only give my son the life I dreamed of for him (two loving married parents) but I love the life we have built and I don’t feel that my husband thinking with his huge ego and his dick should mean that I lose half of my time with my son (who is my world), all we have worked for, my home...it’s not the life I WANTED. I’m so angry and sad. All of the time. I don’t know what to do and I try to take this one day at a time but it’s getting harder to even look at him. Advice? Opinions? Do I need to give the healing process more time? It’s been 14 months since discovering the affair. I just feel so trapped because I can’t seem to find it in me to forgive but I don’t want to throw my marriage away either. Some days I feel very much in love with him and other days I cannot imagine being near him for another moment.
Hello all. I'm 28, married and a mom of 2 young kids. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and together 6 in total. I met a guy online in October of 2018 and I flew out to meet him in November of 2018. Crazy, I know. He's also married with a young child. Long story short, we have both found that we have fallen for one another, but being together really isn't a forseeable option....
I asked my husband to stop his affair with the other woman He followed me but now he is treating me like a roommate. What should I do?