Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My Story
I thought we were happily married. I was the happiest girl in the world. He was sweet, attentive and overall kind. At the end of January, the nightmare began. I got an email from a woman saying that he has been having an affair with her for the past 3 years. That night was hell. He came home, we fought, cried, fell asleep at 7 am. What he confessed was that he met a girl BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it was just a platonic friendship. He said nothing ever happened. I asked him how come he never told her he was married if it was just a friendship, and he said he doesnt know why...he even confessed he has only seen her twice after we got married and that on those days he took off the wedding ring...
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****
A low life
Sad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
I thought we were happily married. I was the happiest girl in the world. He was sweet, attentive and overall kind. At the end of January, the nightmare began. I got an email from a woman saying that he has been having an affair with her for the past 3 years. That night was hell. He came home, we fought, cried, fell asleep at 7 am. What he confessed was that he met a girl BUT NOTHING EVER HAPPENED, it was just a platonic friendship. He said nothing ever happened. I asked him how come he never told her he was married if it was just a friendship, and he said he doesnt know why...he even confessed he has only seen her twice after we got married and that on those days he took off the wedding ring...
Sounds crazy right?...
Soooo I forgave him, splitting up didnt cross my mind, i believed him and I knew he made a mistake.
Sadly I couldnt leave things alone, I cried myself to sleep just thinking about what they did together. It was hard for him, but in all honesty I only had a bout 1 month to deal with this sadness.
Sure enough he was tired of making me feel better and said that if i dont forgive him, to let him know so that he could leave. He didnt want to be with me if i was not willing to forgive him. I understood his point...but I was pressured to say..yes i forgive you. There was one night where i was crying, having some wine and he came into the room and laughed and said i was ridioulous. The anger took over me and i got up and slapped him. I know i shouldnt have but I felt like my feeling to him were a joke.
I became very insecure, I admit it...but he didnt care. He would go out till 5 or 6 in the morning and tell me that he doesnt need to tell me where he is. That he is tired of having to report to me. I was so hurt.
One night we got into a huge fight and he became so aggressive, verbally and started threatening me. He would follow me everywhere i went. I went to the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and told him "Leave me the **** alone" he walked away.
The next day he woke up and told me that i was an abuser, that he no longer knew if he wanted to be with me. he told me that from that point on, he would no longer focus on my feelings. He wanted to focus on himself. He was tired of worrying about my feelings.
This is where the nightmare began. He told me he needed his space. He didnt want any of us to moveout but just wanted space for himself. I wasnt sure what this meant. But i agreed. I would come home evryday, tell him i loved him, and he would tell me he didnt want to talk, he just wanted to be alone. He didnt even want me to ask him about his day.
I did this for 3 months. I was just another piece of furniture. I would come home and just hide in the room. The times that i did talk, i would cry and tell him that i loved him and that i was so sorry for what i had done. That i wanted to show him that i loved him. He said he didnt care, that i could show him i loved him by leaving him alone. Since april we did nothing together, no dinner, no movie, he just began to completely ignore me.
He began to tell me that he doesnt think he could forgive me, therefor he doesnt want to be with me. I begged and begged and told him I could change.
Around that time the girl emailed me again and told me that if i was still with him, and that if i was, I was a pitiful woman. You can imagine how much this hurt. I cried and told him and he told me that he was sorry but he didint care to make me feel better anymore. I sucked up my feelings forgot about my feelings and focused on him.
He began to treat me like garbage. Telling me i was a sad individual, how can i not see when someone doesnt want to be with me. He began to call me pitiful.
I know i was acting pitiful. He clearly told me he didnt want to be with me..but deep down i felt like he still cared, like he still loved me. I thought that with love and patience I would be able to fix things, but i was wrong.
Things began to get worse. His words get worse and worse.
Calling me a pitiful b****
A low life
Sad Person
He would constantly threaten to leave me. And i would do anything to keep him.
We even got to a point that he would tell me..."Ok, if you shut your mouth and go in the room, i wont leave.
I wasnt even allowed to cry in the room. If he would hear me cry he would tell me to shut up.
The day he left i kissed him and told him i loved him and that i hope to see him later. I had a feeling he would leave but i told him to wait so we could talk and just end things civilly. he swore he wouldnt.
I was at work and got a text that said "sorry"...and this is where the nightmare began.
I have lost all dignity of who I am with this man.
Now that he's gone you need some real help. You've been battered. It doesn't have to be physical to 'count'. I hope you will contact your local battered women's shelter and access their counseling services. You deserve to start healing and to have support in that.
and...you know, I have not met many women, or men for that matter, who handle infidelity swimmingly. I mean, there have not been many, or possibly any, who have handled this whole scenerio any better than you have. So, I have to ask...how long are you gonna kick yourself?
We all handled this badly. All of us. You say you 'have lost all dignity of who you are with this man.' When it comes to this, how it hits so close to home, so deep, so to your core and to your heart, we do tend to lose our good grace. It happens. Forgive yourself for this, and at this point, feel free to pick your dignity back up and restore yourself.
...and tell him to go to hell.
Cuz he should.
Sending support, L~
You wrote, "I begged and begged and told him I could change."
He really did a number on you. You had nothing to change! He lied and cheated and did the CLASSIC move of twisting it and blaming you. He manipulated and brainwashed you and now you're left with nothing because you wrapped your identity and self worth with this creep.
The same thing happened to me. Know what I did? Got him totally out of the picture, got into therapy and did NOTHING but concentrate on healing myself for a year. I finally came out of it and saw him for the sick man he was and got my self back.
I wish the same for you.
Just let the bitch he is with have him. Get into counseling, get yourself back. One day soon you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him!
Good luck!
Oh and ps,I punched my cheating h straight in the balls on dday brought him to his knees. And to this day he says he deserved it. I just remember seeing red through my tears and POW! And I had never hit anyone in my life. The feelings of betrayal are overwhelming,don't beat yourself en through far more than you should already
I believe at the point when he first told you "nothing ever happened" he was probably lying to you. That's why you became suspicious and clingy: your intuition, your soul... could tell he was lying; he'd been cheating just like the email woman said.
After that, he just twisted things around so you'd feel like you were in the wrong. That's what egocentric creeps do whenever things aren't going their own way.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice would be to see a therapist. He or she can help you sort through your feelings and plan out your next steps. You should also consult a lawyer ASAP so you can protect your assets. Remember to be kind to yourself, and remember that you aren't alone in your sadness. Many of us have been through that kind of pain, too, and were here for you whenever you need to share, vent, or ask for advice :)
This support group, all of you guys have truly been such a blessing,
Somethings to keep in mind:
-You are not the reason he cheated...no matter what he says or does to convince you. If someone is unhappy within a relationship, the choice to end it is there. Cheaters conveniently forget the idea of free will. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did wrong, how you can be better...by the time it was all said and done, I HATED myself. This is a calculated move on his part, he can't deal with what he has done and wants a way to justify his shit behavior.
I remember very clearly collapsing on the bathroom floor, crying so hard I couldn't breathe, begging my husband not to leave, He laughed at me and walked right out the door, freshly showered and shaved, for a night out with the other woman, You're reaction was completely normal :)
-Don't believe anything he says about the affair. NOT ONE WORD. You aren't getting the full story and either is the other woman. Trust me.
-Get into therapy/counseling immediately.
-Have self-compassion. I cannot stress this enough. It is very easy to have compassion for others, but not so much for ourselves. This is where you have to treat yourself like you would a daughter or mother or friend.
-Finally, and probably the best thing I did for myself...find my self-worth again. Set boundaries, learn about yourself and don't give him or any other future man like this the privilege of being part of your life.
You will never be enough for an abusive cheater...and neither will any other woman/man. It's not about you and you will never get a return on your "investment"...
((Hugs)) You aren't blind, you were trusting :) but now you will be wiser!
I wonder if they ever will man up and apologize...
In an ideal world, we would get the apology we need to move on. But you have to get to the place where you accept that you might never get it and that you are OKAY with that.
We think (or at least I did) that suddenly they will get it, that they will realize what the hell they are doing, that they will come to their senses and make every effort to be a better man. This was because I couldn't imagine ever treating my ex the way he treated me. I could never imagine betraying his trust or hurting him. And an apology appears to offer that chance. But the reality is that action is what is needed, not words :)
I did what you did in the beginning. I blamed myself to the point where I wanted to die. I went as far as to put a gun to my head one night and then I fealt bad because of my kids and what that would do to them. I then realized that NO woman is worth it, especially one that cheats on a husband that would do anything for them. I went into a phaze in the beginning. I cooked dinner, I cleaned the house, I did laundry, everything I could to make her happy. Did she appreciate it? Hell no. I caught her driving by his house one day shortly after.
If I check up on her now or question what she is doing, she gets angry with me. This is their defense mechanism. They try and reverse everything so we feel bad about ourselves and make them feel as if they are the ones that are hurting.
Shame on your husband for what is he is doing to you. YOU deserve better than him.
Count your blessings that he left. Please find a way to say strong and not allow this man to abuse you any further.