Amen!!!!!!

A valued lesson from my therapist was to write angry letters but not to send them (at the time that would of put me back in danger) but I would burn them. It helps to get those raw emotions out and I still use this now 13 years later when angry or hurt. It helps believe me and you can write every threat and evil thing going through your mind and burn it no one ever sees it you feel so much better and start to heal you don't have to send it you just have to express it outwardly so you don't bottle it up

I walked around with a small note book... well he found it. Best thing that ever happened. He knew how I felt and I wasn’t rubbing his nose in it. I knew he read it so I wrote all kinds of crazy stuff in it. If he said something I would knew he was snooping in my book

Calirn - I think that is pretty funny! Good, I am glad he got to see the pain he caused you. I am sure you had a bit of fun too, at his expense!

Back to Merphurts - how you feel is exactly how I feel and we are not alone.

You would think our husbands would treasure us, but no. Instead they go after or respond to, the advances of a tramp. They put so much at risk: their health, their jobs, their reputations, their families, their finances . . . the list goes on.

It does take a while to process all this. It is difficult to not think about it. Just
focus on the reason they did this was to fill a void in them. They lack character and integrity which is why they have the void in the first place.

Stay focused on yourself and be thinking about what you want in your life.
Turn your thoughts into actions. A better life is just around the corner.

Say what you want to your H. The OW is older than my H and keep asking him why he wants moldly, old pussy. Nice reality check, I thought. A bit vulgar, maybe, but so what. You can't be afraid - of him or anything, or any one.

99% of affair partners are for the majority a huge step down from their spouse.

The fact that they would involves themselves with married person already shows the moral bankruptcy of the OM/OW.

Furthermore unless the cheating spouse incredibly rich/good looking they usually end up cheating with less attractive in every sense.

My wife for example cheated with a guy old enough to be her father, was unpopular, minimum wage job, and hung around homeless people,

The truth is that people of low self esteem often find someone beneath them in standing as it helps them feel secure and the one that is the superior in the relationship. Weird self-sabotage because deep down they know they don't deserve their good spouse who has great attributes that they see in themselves.

Exit affairs are a bit different where they simply hate their spouse and are too cowardly to end it or try to make it work.

Thank you everyone.
Stormpetrel & forward motion: I also don't understand why he would risk losing everything. I guess that possibility never entered his mind , because I'm the " good wife" After he said he ruined our marriage, I told him I hope she was worth it. I'm trying to do something that I like. Everything I do is connected with him because of the business. So I was thinking to try some volunteer work to get out of here from time to time.
My Husband's garbage is 21 years younger than him, and yes she is beneath me in schooling( if that's what you mean by step down). Not to mention that she has no moral values .He told me she's a very difficult person with many problems who would not make a good wife. Well I guess I don't have those attributes so that's why you can cheat on me.
Even though she is younger than me, I am 10 years younger than my husband. I'm not going to say that I look great because I am overweight,but many people think I'm his daughter. A few months ago a nurse got very embarrassed after she said " oh so you came here with your dad, that's nice" An old clerk at home Depot,a very funny man, Everytime he sees us together he says " it's so nice of you to take your dad out for a breath of fresh air" lol. I'm cracking up.
I know these stories are not important but it makes me feel better.
Forwardmotion, you might be right about self sabotage.
Last year for my birthday,he put on Facebook something like this:
Today is my wife's birthday. Good morning sweetie. Happy birthday. You spent the best years of your life with me, not an easy or pleasant task. Many would have bailed out long ago. I love you.
So he knows he's a difficult person, he's told me he has the best wife and I'm the most important person in his life, but he still cheats on me.

It’s so hard to handle affairs. I am not married, but together for 8 years with 2 small children. We are both guilty of engaging in relations with others... people often say.. you don’t hurt people you love.. we actually do.. maybe not in such devastating ways like affairs but other little things. Depends on how we handle and communicate with our partners to over come them.. some actions are unintentional, some intentional.. either way.. I’m a believer of change. Anyone can change at any given moment.. they just have to want to.. actions certainly speak louder than words in general...

I agree. We are all flawed to some degree and will hurt our spouses. Affairs are another matter which make you question if they love you or are capable of love at all.

You ask how can he do this? Answer: because he wants to. He wants what he wants when he wants it without regard to cost (relationships, emotional damage done to the trusting and faithful partner, STDs, financial loss). They all assume they will never be caught because a) the spouse is too stupid to catch on b) they are sooooo much smarter and better than everyone else c) the rules do not apply to them d) they have done a thorough job lying, blame shifting, and gaslighting you so even you are not sure which end is up and you find yourself questioning your own sanity e) they lack impulse control (and moral values and empathy etc). The only thing on his mind is "me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me". There is no *us* except where you can be of service to him. The dutiful wife appliance. Its how they roll.

I think that's true. My H thought a. he would never get caught. B:If I suspected he could talk me out of it.
C: if I found out I am not capable of leaving him
D. He does think he is smarter.
Here is an example:
He always wanted to move out of the country when he retires. I was always reluctant because this place is all I know and I didn't want to leave our daughter ( even though now she lives 4 hrs away).so last year when I suspected yet again I called him on the phone crying and told him. You can't be sitting in bed with me making plans while you have a girlfriend.if u have someone let's divorce but u can't just sit here planning things etc.i said more but I can't remember.
What do u think his answer was?
If I had a girlfriend would I want to leave the country? No. I would want to stay here. You are the one who doesn't want to leave.

He believes he is in complete control. That being said he does seem to have a certain power over you and your thoughts.

Forwardmotion, it is true that he thinks he is in control and i think he is in control but i always thought it was because i'm a weaker person than he is. He is strong, always knows everything better, is not shy and has an answer for everything.
It's difficult for me to make decisions because i might make the wrong one, even little things. Example: I went to home depot to get a bird feeder hook. There were 2 sizes 64" and 84" . I didn't know which one i should get so i messaged him to ask him. Now this should have been a very easy decision but i'm always afraid to mess up .

I think counseling should try to address your self esteem issues. Perhaps once you are confident and strong to stand on your own two feet you will no longer have to lean on him for support.

At this time you don't have the strength to leave him regardless of how he treats you and it stems from these issues.